Edmonton Oilers make changes, change nothing.

The Oilers made a high profile move today, acquiring Derek Roy from the Nashville Predators in exchange for Mark Arcobello. I assume the main goal was to bring in some veteran leadership to help push those young kids along.

I understand Arcobello isn't a major prospect, and an undersized forward isn't something you build your team around, but it's not like he's a total slouch.  A defensively responsible forward, he can handle minutes on the power play and penalty kill.  Plus, he's only in his second season and he's shown some signs of success in the NHL so far. And his 28 points in 15 AHL games while the NHL was locked out show his potential could actually be pretty high. Small Sample Size, I know...minor league, I know. This isn't the basis of my argument. Still, two points per game over double digit games is impressive, and it's not like this was in junior hockey when stats like those are more common. He was playing against professional hockey players.

Edmonton is full of young players, but that's exactly what a rebuilding team needs.  Just because it hasn't worked so far doesn't mean the solution is to get rid of young, cost controlled players for aging veterans(who are also undersized).  Arcobello is an RFA after this season and I can't imagine he'll demand a high cap hit. When your team already has $22 million locked away for Taylor Hall, Jordan Eberle, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins and Benoit Pouliot(!!!) for the next four plus seasons, a guy like Arcobello is exactly what they need, especially considering they'll need to worry about a Draisaitl contract extension in a couple years(and the Yakupov contract that expires this season). That's not even including the David Perron, Teddy Purcell, and to a lesser extent, Boyd Gordon contracts all expiring after next season.  They're going to be in some trouble financially pretty soon. Because there's only so much money you can devote to a group of forwards, especially when it's obvious their main problem is defence.

Plus...plus...Roy just finished clearing waivers. Like...JUST finished clearing waivers. If Edmonton wanted him, they could've just...had him. Without giving up anyone in the process.


Josh Cooper from Puck Daddy has a different opinion. He thinks the move was good for both teams(he was half right).  Using an Oilers Nation quote, he writes this:

Wait … but if Roy was on waivers, why did Oilers GM Craig MacTavish trade for him?

There is actually solid reasoning behind this says Oilers Nation:

 Arcobello is on a cheap, one-year contract worth $600,000; Roy is on a cheap, one-year contract worth $1.0 million. Arcobello has 12 points in 36 games; Roy has 10 points in 26 games ...

 ... For one thing, this reduces the dollars the team is taking on significantly

The team SIGNIFICANTLY reduces the amount of dollars it's taking on? The difference between $600,000 prorated and $1,000,000 prorated is going to be like $200,000. How is that significant? I know I mentioned earlier that the Oilers might be in trouble financially, but not this season. And if the difference between $200,000 is make-or-break, that's some kind of financial trouble.

and for another it doesn't add a contract to the 50-man list.

Ok, well that part makes sense, I guess...

And ...

They get a player who has been a more effective scorer at even-strength this season.

They get a veteran with 692 games of NHL experience rather than a sophomore who has yet to reach 82 games

When you put it that way it sounds like Edmonton got what it needed in this case.

Ok. I get it. Right now, Derek Roy might be a little bit better than Mark Arcobello. But your team is 7-22-7. You're ten points behind Buffalo. The Buffalo Sabres that are last place in shots per game AND shots allowed per game. BUFFALO. Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.  The BUFFALO!!!! SABRES!!!!!!!! RIVET!!!!!!

 

This seems like the kind of move a contender would make to bolster their roster before their playoff run. It's not going to do anything for Edmonton. First of all, it's been five years since Roy has had any sort of legitimate success in the NHL, and now that he's on the wrong side of 30, I can't imagine this will help resurrect his career. But more importantly, he signed a one year contract in the summer. I doubt very highly he's going to re-sign with Edmonton if he could potentially spend his twilight years on a contending team.

So what does this move do? Marginally improve the team now while hurting their future? Cool. Nice job. I mean, at this point the season's a total wash, so what's the upside to a slight roster improvement? Best case scenario with this deal is they move from 30th in the league to 29th or 28th, and then their odds at McDavid/Eichel go down.

But acquiring Roy wasn't all Edmonton did. No, no, no. They also acquired Matt Fraser from Boston in a waiver deal. Wow! Matt Fraser!  You might remember him as the centerpiece of the deal that sent Tyler Seguin to Dallas. Or, maybe not. Anyway, here's a picture of Matt Fraser whiffing on a slap shot and breaking his stick.

Nice form.

Apparently this is the only thing he's ever done, otherwise I assume they would've found a better picture of him.

A quick recap of what out buddy Matt brings to the table:

51 NHL games. 6 goals, 2 assists, 8 points. 17PIM, 65 hits 10:27ATOI, 25 career seconds short-handed, 13:22 career powerplay. So, a 4th liner who doesn't contribute on special teams, doesn't provide offence, and isn't overly physical.  Nice. A good depth move, says Oilers Nation. Hey, at least he's not undersized!

The only problem I see with this is that he adds a contract to the 50-man list.......

and for another it doesn't add a contract to the 50-man list.

Oops.

Looking forward to watching some All-Stars? Montreal, Riga, Chicago, and Pittsburgh are.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2015 NHL all star team! The Chicago Blackhawks/Montreal Canadiens/Pittsburgh Penguins!

Now, your starting lineup, based on leading votes per position in each conference.

In the Western Conference:

Starting Goaltender, from the Chicago Blackhawks, Corey Crawford!
At Defence, from the Chicago Blackhawks, Duncan Keith! And from the Chicago Blackhawks, Brent Seabrook!
At Centre, from the Chicago Blackhawks, Jonathan Toews!
At Left Wing, from the Chicago Blackhawks, Patrick Sharp!
And starting at Right Wing, from the Chicago Blackhawks, Patrick Kane!

Now, for the Eastern Conference:

Starting goaltender, from the Montreal Canadiens, Carey Price!
On Defence, from the Montreal Canadiens, P.K. Subban! And from the Pittsburgh Penguins, Kris Letang!
At Centre, from the Pittsburgh Penguins, Sidney Crosby!
Starting Left Wing, best player in the NHL, most certainly better than Nicklas Backstrom...Zemgus Girgensons!
And starting Right Wing, from the Pittsburgh Penguins, Evgeni Malkin!

I wonder who's going to win the Phil Kessel award at this year's mid-winter classic?

Rick Nash, no longer a physical player.

Rick Nash is a changed man. Long forgotten are last season's woes, and he's moved on to greener pastures.  The former goal scoring guru is back to his old ways this year, with 16 goals so far through the first 22 games of the season, good for 2nd in the NHL. After a short-handed tally this afternoon, Mike Emrick asked Eddie Olczyk what surprised him more: his struggles last season, or his bounce back so far this year. Ed's response:

I was more surprised, Doc, with how physical he was last year. I thought he was an effective player, I mean he had chances, he didn't have as many chances, but I think he was just trying to do everything. He was trying to get in on the forecheck, he was trying to hit players ... I would say probably more last year, Doc with the way that he played, or he was trying to be a really physical player, which, you gotta be a physical player in this league, but the way he was playing, I think, was more surprising. 

Rick Nash, hit totals by season, since 2007-08:

2007-08: 80GP, 67 Hits
2008-09: 78GP, 71 Hits
2009-10: 76GP, 121 Hits
2010-11: 75GP, 91 Hits
2011-12: 82GP, 104 Hits
2012-13: 44GP, 46 Hits
2013-14: 65GP, 11 Hits
2014-15: 22GP, 21 Hits

Does anything stick out here? I'm noticing something about Nash's level of physical play last season.  Eddie might have have accidentally stumbled onto something. Sometimes you can properly address a problem, even with all the wrong information.  Another thing worth noting though might be his opportunity. After averaging around 19-20 minutes/game for his entire career, his level dropped to 17:01 last season.  The shot totals were there, and realistically, so were the goals. 26 goals in 65 games isn't so bad, it's just, ya know...expectations and stuff.  That, and the 13 assists last season.

The boring truth, though, is probably that he's just been lucky this year, after being unlucky last season. With a career 12.7 shot percentage, that number dropped to 10.1% last year, the second lowest mark of his career. So far this year, 20% of his shots are going in the net. Eventually this is going to regress, and Eddie will blame the slump on lack of discipline in the defensive zone, or something of that ilk.

Neither was this one.

Creative fellas over there in SW Canada. This, by the way, was immediately following Getzlaf's goal to put the Ducks ahead 2-0 midway through the first period.  Yeah, you show 'em! We don't need Kes! We can get our asses kicked by Anaheim without him!

This jersey definitely wasn't made in China.

Yah man. Cool jersey bro!

The (Original) Psycho Serial Killer Letter

Killing David Willard

by David Bozynski

Credit to Aaron

I brought him to the Riker Ave. dumps. There is a house that stands alone, not far from where I took him ... I took the David there. Stripped him naked and tied his hands and feet and gagged him with a piece of dirty rag I picked out of the dump. Then I burned his clothes. Threw his shoes in the dump. Then I walked back and took trolley to 59 St. at 2 A.M. and walked from there home. Next day about 2 P.M., I took tools, a good heavy cat-of-nine tails. Home made. Short handle. Cut one of my belts in half, slit these half in six strips about 8 in. long. I whipped his bare behind till the blood ran from his legs. I cut off his ears – nose – slit his mouth from ear to ear. Gouged out his eyes. He was dead then. I stuck the knife in his belly and held my mouth to his body and drank his blood. I picked up four old potato sacks and gathered a pile of stones. Then I cut him up. I had a grip with me. I put his nose, ears and a few slices of his belly in the grip. Then I cut him thru the middle of his body. Just below his belly button. Then thru his legs about 2 in. below his behind. I put this in my grip with a lot of paper. I cut off the head – feet – arms – hands and the legs below the knee. This I put in sacks weighed with stones, tied the ends and threw them into the pools of slimy water you will see all along the road going to North Beach. Water is 3 to 4 ft. deep. They sank at once. I came home with my meat. I had the front of his body I liked best. His monkey and pee wees and a nice little fat behind to roast in the oven and eat. I made a stew out of his ears – nose – pieces of his face and belly. I put onions, carrots, turnips, celery, salt and pepper. It was good. Then I split the cheeks of his behind open, cut off his monkey and pee wees and washed them first. I put strips of bacon on each cheek of his behind and put in the oven. Then I picked 4 onions and when meat had roasted about 1/4 hr., I poured about a pint of water over it for gravy and put in the onions. At frequent intervals I basted his behind with a wooden spoon. So the meat would be nice and juicy. In about 2 hr., it was nice and brown, cooked thru. I never ate any roast turkey that tasted half as good as his sweet fat little behind did. I ate every bit of the meat in about four days. His little monkey was as sweet as a nut, but his pee-wees I could not chew. Threw them in the toilet.

The (Original) Post

Fine. Since "I'm" airing all my dirty laundry for the world to see, I suppose I can elaborate a little on my thoughts. On April 8th 2011, the color commentator of the San Jose Sharks said something really stupid. This isn't uncommon, and it's barely even noteworthy because everything he says is stupid. But I'll fill you in anyway because I'm a judgmental asshole.

Joe Thornton scored a goal in the 3rd period against the Phoenix Coyotes, making it his 1000th career NHL regular season point. Afterwards, Drew Remenda got all excited about it and said this (paraphrased, because it happened three years ago and I don't remember exactly what he said):

There's a bunch of Joe Thornton stats out there today which are just absolutely incredible. He's the 78th player to reach 1000 points and he's 78th all-time in points. It's weird. It's the numerology man, it's crazy...

Well no shit, dude. He just recorded his 1000th point. Where the hell did you expect him to rank all-time? Do you understand how counting works, Drew? I mean, you just essentially said the same exact thing twice in one sentence. And then told us all how shocked you were that the result was the same.

I have something for you that'll just blow your mind. Did you know that Drew Remenda was the 4th person to ever be a Sharks color commentator, and he's in 4th place all-time for Sharks color commentators. THE NUMEROLOGY!!!! Man, it's a good thing I took care this today and not tomorrow, otherwise there's no way I'd be able to tackle ALL OF THESE MATH PROBLEMS.

P.S. Do I need to change my password?

The (Original) Lost Post

Drew Remenda

There's a bunch of Joe Thornton stats out there today which are just absolutely incredible he's the 78th player to reach 1000 points and he's the 78th all time in points. it's weird. it's the numerology man, it's crazy...

And now, back to our regularly-scheduled programming

I’m going to describe two articles to you. All you have to do is tell me what website published each. I’ll even give you hints because OMG I love u: you’ll find neither at Bleacher Report!

One is from Yahoo! The other? NHL.com

One is full of conjecture, anecdotal evidence, hyperbole, and contradictions. The other is well-written, backed by (somewhat) objective evidence, and isn’t full of tired clichés.

Did you guess correctly? Do you know which one I'm going to fisk?

Congratulations, Puck Daddy! Front-line winner!

As Logan Couture said after the San Jose Sharks pissed away a 3-0 lead to the Los Angeles Kings in the most epic choke in franchise history – and that’s saying something – this was the “type of series that will rip your heart out."

Of course, that assumes the team has heart in the first place, which is something it clearly doesn’t. It has panic, doubt, confusion, lack of confidence and delusion by the bushel, but nary a postseason atrium or ventricle.

Oops! You said something really stupid. Hopefully, you don’t write for a major internet publication where thousands of people will read it and then believe you.

Remember the 2010 Bruins? After their heartless, gutless, panic-stricken, ventricleless performance against the Flyers, their whole team demanded trades and they relocated to Puerto Rico like every team needing to relocate does. Man, Puerto Rico has a lot of teams.

“It’s just so disappointing that we were able to go up 3-0 and not find a way to have that killer instinct, to find a way to scrape and claw and win games like they did,” said Couture.

But they’re not the Kings. They’re not the Blackhawks. They’re not the Bruins. They can match their star power and point totals and postseason expectations, but much like the rest of the NHL they can’t match their structure, poise and reliance on players that continually come through when it counts most.

Once again, I’d like you to name these players. Name these “players that continually come through when it counts most.” Not going to bother because you can’t? Anze Kopitar? Patrice Bergeron? Jonathan Toews? Alex Ovechkin? Oh, I know! Patrick Marleau and Joe Thornton!

Was there really any doubt about which team was built to a win a Game 7?

Imagine what this roster looks like:

“Here’s the starting line-up of YOUR 2014 Monroe Built-for-Game-7s!”
At Center, number 69, Scott Walker!
At Left Wing, number 69, Andrew Desjardins!
At Right Wing, number 24, Max Talbot!
At Left Defense, number +2, Eric Palac!
At Right Defense, number 69, Brian ShevDRAMACLUBrovich!
At Goalie, number Vic, Vic!

That team is going to win a fucking Game 7 or two. Either of those. Either Game 2 or Game 7.

Might it have been the one with Drew Doughty, who constantly finds higher levels on championship stages?

It’s so easy and lazy to say someone is finding a “higher level” after they’ve won. How about that 2013 playoff for Brad Doty? I’m sure you think 18 games is enough sample size. Really upped his game there.

Or Anze Kopitar, everything Joe Thornton isn’t?

You’re right. Thornton is much taller.

Or Jonathan Quick, whose dogged mental focus and leadership took him from people making “shouldn’t have traded Bernier!” jokes to bowing at his skates?

The American squad took home the gold medal in the Mental Focus and a Silver in Leadership (stupid Brunei) at the 2014 Livonia Brain Olympics led by Jonathan Quick and Mike “Logs” Logsdon. But whoops on those Sochi Olympics! Maybe next year, Logs.

Or Justin Williams, who now has an obscene 10 points in five Game 7s?

samplesizesamplesizesamplesizesamplesizesamplesizesamplesizesamplesizesamplesize

Or Darryl Sutter, the steadiest of hands on the wheel?

He’s the Dale Earnhardt of coaching.

Or the one with Patrick Marleau and Joe Thornton?

You're right, they suck!

“It’s tough saying it, but I think the better team won the series. They were better than us. We lost four games,” said Couture. And that’s one of the reasons why, despite putting their names in the record books as one of the four biggest playoff chokes in history, the Sharks once again seem to have some wiggle room for excuses.

WIGGLE ROOM?!?! They lost to a team YOU HAVE OPENLY ADMITTED IS BETTER. Sure, you used stupid clichés and things that are impossible to prove, but still you admitted it. Lots of people are admitting it. It’s ok to admit it. It was projected to be a close series. It was a close series. Why does it matter how it got there? No one was calling the Sharks chokers last year.

Look, in all logical assessment, this team should be hit with a wrecking ball and then the pieces should be sledgehammered and then the whole mess should be shoveled into a furnace. Two quarterfinal losses sandwiching a semifinal loss. Never winning a Stanley Cup in 17 franchise playoff appearances, because they’ve never played for one.

And yet there’s something that keeps one from pushing all the way down on the red candy-like button that reads “DEMOLISH.”

Yes, do you know why the Sharks lost 4 straight to the Kings in 2014, because fuck Vlastimil Kroupa.

For the God-damned record:
Your Championship, poised, structured Boston Bruins: 32 playoff appearances between Cups.
Your death, taxes, Chicago Blackhawks: 38 playoff appearances between Cups
Your Game-7-shoo-in Los Angeles Kings: 25 playoff appearances before Cup #1

Congratulations, San Jose Sharks! Despite your youth, you’re one of the most successful franchises since your existence.

Maybe it’s that the Kings, at the end of the day, are simply the better team and the reason why the Sharks have hit the greens the last two postseasons.

It’s almost like this whole article is a colossal waste of time.

Maybe it was because they missed Marc-Edouard Vlasic, whom Todd McLellan called their Drew Doughty like Ken Hitchcock called David Backes his Jonathan Toews, in Games 6 and 7.

Uh oh, Greg. That sounds like actual evidence. Please return to ignoring sample size and that the Kings are a good team.

Maybe it’s because you look at this Sharks roster and wonder how and why they can’t win. It’s an annual rite.

Thank you.

Despite this playoff disaster, we’ll probably do it again next season. (Ed. Note: I’m out, however. This loss means I take a pie to the face from the LA Kings mascot thanks to a Twitter wager. The Sharks are dead to me. DEAD!)

Oh, so this article is written because you had a personal stake in the outcome. You picked San Jose because they are a good team. You should’ve saved yourself a lot of hassle and picked Columbus to win it all. Then you wouldn’t be so disappointed.

The problem is, how do you improve on psyche?

How do you erase the hard drives of these players who only know defeat, and whose brief tastes of victory lead to unjustified inflation of their egos?

This is so fucking overdramatic. We aren’t talking about the Washington Generals, here. The Sharks made the Conference Finals two years in a row recently. They know “how to win.” Only one team wins the Stanley Cup every year. San Jose was never lucky enough to do it.

A new coach, a new goalie – Alex Stalock should get his chance, but Niemi’s out of them – perhaps a significant upheaval on the back end with Dan Boyle moving on. These are the baseline changes for the Sharks in the offseason.

But…Niemi…Cup…you said…Blackhawks…Cup…Dan Boyle…Cup...I just..Cup

The beacon of hope here is that the 2010 Boston Bruins, victims of the same reverse sweep, went on to win the Stanley Cup the following season. They’ve become the model for teams looking to make excuses rather than significant changes: Adam Oates sang their praises after the Capitals were ousted from the playoffs last season.

ORR, they’ve become a model for teams that know the playoffs are a stupid 20 game tournament where anything can happen like good teams losing 4 in a row to teams that are just as good. And, then, hey, let’s try again next year.

He’s out of a job now.

Not relevant. The implication is that Oates made excuses instead of significant changes and that’s why he was fired. He was never the Capitals GM. He was not in a position to make any changes. Also, and maybe you don’t know this, the Bruins are really good. Everyone is singing their praises lately. Adam Oates, Randy Carlyle, William K. Mitchell, Joey Burek; A lot of people who got fired recently think the Bruins are good.

Sure, it can happen. Maybe losing Vlasic is akin to the Bruins losing David Krejci in Game 3 against the Flyers. Maybe this was the ultimate indignity before the ultimate reward.Maybe if they don’t play the Kings. Maybe if they aren’t 0-for-15 on the power play to end the series. Maybe if Niemi was better. Maybe, maybe, maybe maybe.

Maybe.

It can happen. Just like it can happen every season for the Sharks. They tease, they tantalize; they’re the ultimate “something’s gotta give” team.

Or maybe there are, and forever shall be, the Sharks. The Prometheus of hockey; but instead of its liver, it's the heart that gets ripped out every spring, only to grow back again to be ripped out once more.

Mind if I re-write this article so that it is full of logic and good writing? Don’t mind if I do!

As Logan Couture said after the San Jose Sharks pissed away a 3-0 lead to the Los Angeles Kings…this was the “type of series that will rip your heart out."

Maybe it’s that the Kings, at the end of the day, are simply the better team and the reason why the Sharks have hit the greens the last two postseasons.

Maybe it was because they missed Marc-Edouard Vlasic, whom Todd McLellan called their Drew Doughty like Ken Hitchcock called David Backes his Jonathan Toews, in Games 6 and 7.

“It’s tough saying it, but I think the better team won the series. They were better than us. We lost four games,” said Couture.

In theory, the problems start at the top, and that another set of eyes and opinions would be able to slice open this carcass and see where the cancer is. But Wilson’s going to be charged with that task, and likely with making significant upgrades to this roster for next season.

Not blowing it up. Improving it.

Sure, it can happen. Maybe losing Vlasic is akin to the Bruins losing David Krejci in Game 3 against the Flyers. Maybe this was the ultimate indignity before the ultimate reward.Maybe if they don’t play the Kings. Maybe if they aren’t 0-for-15 on the power play to end the series. Maybe if Niemi was better.

It can happen. Just like it can happen every season for the Sharks.

There we go. Much better. I even used your words. You were so close.

Updated Standings: Fantasy 2014 Playoffs

Check out how far behind me you all are below...until the last week, when Andrew passes me.

The race for 3rd place

For those that are new to this, the URL automatically updates when I make changes. I have a time/date of most recent update at the bottom of the first tab so you can see how current the standings are. Geez...who am I? Dave Willard?

Babe!

Just eating some BBQ Pork Mac, and checking out some BABES

Go Marty go!

America, NEWS!

I have some pretty awesome news. The Columbus Blue Jackets are in the playoffs. But really how could they not make it? With guys like, Sergei Bobrovski, Artem Anisimov, Cam Atkinsonov, Jared Bollov, Nikita Nikitinov, Ryan Johansenov, Fedor Tyutinov, Boone Jennerov,  you know, some of the coolest players around.

I have some pretty terrible news. The Detroit Red Wings made the playoffs. Also, Vokoun is calling it quits after this season.....way bummer, no bueno.

End News.

Keeping it short today, the pretty terrible news is pretty terrible. Guess I'll have to eat some BBQ Pork Mac and check out these babes.....

Thank You, Jebus.

If the playoffs were to start today, cool things would happen. Also, not cool things would happen. Cool things like Dallas, Columbus, Minnesota & Tampa all making it to the big dance.  Not cool things like Philadelphia and Detroit also making it to the no-pants party. One not cool thing in particular would happen however, Vancouver wouldn't make it. 

Now, lets talk about all the reason why Vancouver wouldn't make it. Or just list them, either way.

• Zac Dalpe has only 7 points in 54 games, c'mon Zac!
• Yanin Sauve only has 0 points in his three games, as some bands road manager said once when lead singer John Willard Monak quipped about the inauspicious-ness of Occam's Razor, "Get your shit together Yanin!"
• Goalie, Joacim Eriksson has a 10.00 GAA in 36 minutes of playing time. Spent some time at Puckgozynski's Goalie Camp this summer did we?
• Benn Ferriero doesn't have any short handed points in two appearances this season. The FUCK man!

And that's it. No other reason for them potentially not making it aside from these bums.

In other news, Toews is sitting for the rest of the season with, from what I've been told John, an upper penile injury. Now, my source didn't say whether or not by upper they meant closer to the base or tip so, mystery unsolved.

Also, Jake McCabe will forgo his senior season at Wisconsin after signing a deal with the Sabres. He's coming off a career best 25 point season, eight of those being goals! Move over Tyler Myers, this guy is ready to NEVER PLAY IN THE NHL, is what we would be saying if he was on any other team but Buffalo, HA!

Matt Duchene is out for 4 weeks after his face was stuck from chugging mega cock.

Till next time, stop sending me boob pics.

-Marbles

...

I was applying gynecomastia treatment to my abnormally large breasts and looking at about 50 photos of my friend’s balls the other day when I realized my life to this point hasn’t turned out how I expected.  In an attempt to improve short-term morale, I decided to watch YouTube videos of Sergei Fedorov, Alexander Frolov, Slava Voynov, Artem Anisimov, Valentin Zykov, Vyacheslav Kozlov, Nik Antropov, Sergei Kolosov, Anton Belov, Vladimir Denisov, Vladimir Zharkov, Denis Grebeshkov, Kirill Kabanov, Jed Ortmeyer, Leo Komarov, Nikita Kucherov, Andrei Loktionov, Maxim Goncharov, Igor Makarov, Maksim Mayorov, Dmitry Orlov, Mike Smith, Alexander Radulov, Andrei Markov, Anton Volchenkov, Sergei Zubov, Nail Yakupov, Dmitry Kulikov, Alexei Ponikarov, Brian Lashov, Sergei Bobrov, Grigor Dimitrov, Alex Dolgopolov, Alex Bogomolov, and Sara Errani. This, of course, didn’t help. At all. I don’t know why I thought it would. Those guys are all stupid. Except for Mike Smith. He’s pretty cool. But it did, for some reason or another, have me thinking about my blogging colleagues. Which is nice, I like those guys. But then I started thinking about my friend’s balls again...

FireDacque

Lend Me Your Ears

As I sit here and watch a commercial about gynecomastia, the growth of abnormally large breast in men, I can't help but think of my blogging colleagues. Dacque was right, we do need some leadership in this outfit. These rag-tag shenanigans must come to an end. So I, Marbles, will step up to the microphone and Karen Newman these sorry sons of bitches back to glory! Prepare to hockey and only hockey.

The New York Rangers confirmed on Wednesday that Chris Kreider’s hand injury, suffered three games ago against the Columbus Blue Jackets, is going to keep him shelved for at least the team’s next five games. J.T. Miller has been recalled from Hartford in the AHL.Steve Zipay of Newsday says "team doctors are still deciding whether..."

It's been just over a week since Pittsburgh Penguins defenseman Kris Letang rejoined his teammates at practice after suffering a stroke on Jan. 29. After finishing a blood-thinner treatment and being further evaluated by doctors, he's been cleared to play again; but the decision on when he returns to the lineup is now solely with him.

From the Tribune-Review:“It's going to be my call,” he said. “It's all about when I feel ready.”Letang, 26, said he will “still have to meet with the doctors” — as a precautionary checkup — before entering game action but said he will....

Being a Toronto Maple Leafs fan must be one of the life’s most confounding situations.

There you go, no fuss no muss no coconuts. No more fun, hell, not even my words, I copied these from Puck Daddy because Dacque wants to kill the very essence of what makes us the writers we are. You don't like reading about P-Kane's porno problem? You don't like reading notes I leave for you detailing how I want to murder you but were actually written by an early 1900's serial killer? Maybe you should choose a different blog to contribute to, because here, in this world, porno isn't only for pyros, it's for Patrick Kane...and pyros.

Tyutin in Staals: Where bad hockey writers come to die.

Ever see that one Values.com commercial featuring Stu Grimson? Ya know, the one where he's in the dressing room with his team during intermission getting bitched at by his coach about how he needs to be more physical? Then he gets a phone call from his useless wife because she can't get their brat daughter to go to fucking sleep, so he has to sing The Itsy Bitsy Spider to her? Yeah. That one. I'm sure you have, it's like ten years old. Have you ever actually taken a look at how bad it is? 

I mean, I understand there's a stereotype that hockey players are tough, and they lose their teeth because of fighting and hockey sticks and pucks and manliness. But they couldn't just hire some dude with no front teeth to laugh for a couple seconds while a camera pans past him? Or just...not...do that? After all, Stu has all of his teeth, and he's Exhibit A for toughness and hockeyness and manness. I'm sure the writers were pretty proud of themselves when they came up with the idea to have a dude with no teeth, but was that really the selling point? The "must have" portion of the commercial that they couldn't do without regardless of how horrible it looks?

Look at these guys...enforcers...tough guys...fighters...manmen.

Tahir Domi

David Koci

Brian ShevDRAMACLUBrovich

Darren McCarty

Ben Willard

Notice anything about these guys? With the exception of one, they all have their teeth.

Now, a note for our loyal fans, for our dedicated followers. I'm sorry. We've reached a new low. We critique commercials now. We quote letters serial killers leave for their attorneys. It's been a long, slow, painful fall from the standard we used to keep for ourselves. Remember the glory days? Remember how current and relevant we used to be? Remember "What Have We, Vanna?" and "Twas the night before Playoffs."? Remember "Hi" and "Soggy Depends® Sports News of the Hoary Type"? What happened to us? I think we need some more veteran leadership. Someone to lead by example. 

Vince Vaughn Shoots Brent Sopel

Now, let's get this over with. Under great pressure from our courageous editor and chef, I've been forced to retract my previous comments. PATRICK KANE IS NOT ADDICTED TO PORN. Something about tremendous amounts of libel and slander, whatever. As the 1966 hits song from the Easybeats goes, "sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry."

Jimmer Fredette has announced that once he clears waivers he will be signing with the Chicago Bulls. Also, Ryan Miller in his debut start for the Blues, wept. The sight of someone not named Tyler Myers in front of him brought the man to tears. Any goaltender would rejoice, and trust me, Miller needed the pick me up, he was seen hours earlier in a park. 

He also went 23 of 25 and shot 92% from behind the arch in a win against Phoenix.

In other news, Corey Crawford's mask was stolen, prime suspect, no one cares, he probably deserved it.

Stay patient readers, I have requested a slight make-over to the blog. Renovations to include, a new background, or just, a background. 

Oh! Let me save some of you the trouble, "This is a hockey blog!" "You write weird." "Stop calling my mom." "Turn the heat down, it makes the house smell." "Shevrovich, u mad bruh?" "Jessica Simpson, pick a shape and stay there."

"Sailor Venus' Past, Minako's Tragic Love" - Sailor Moon, 1993

Hey there, Skateboard checking in with some newsworthy news shit. The people in this blogging community deserve answers. I get hounded all day long from our compassionate readers with questions like, "Yo, Marbles, when is Byfuglien having his middle toe cut off due to diabetes?" or "9-iron, I could really use some help on my Roth IRA from Fidelity, should I sell my shares of Noodles and Co?" or my favorite, I get this one all the time, "What's the correct pronunciation of bukkake, my friends give me shit for saying "boo-cake?"

I have news folks, I'm not intelligent. I don't know things. I'm not qualified to answer such delicate questions. However, last night, last night something magical happened. Call it premonition, call it a hunch, call it one of my friends fell ass first into Lake Superior. Just like I'm positive that I made out with and proposed to a girl named Minnesota in a coney island, I am positive that PATRICK KANE IS ADDICTED TO PORN. This will subsequently lead him to being traded or signed by his hometown team of Buffalo. Don't believe me? Follow me down this rabbit hole for a minute. 

Last night, while eating taquitos and listening to Conway Twitty, I had a vision of Patrick Kane in a Sabres jersey. I thought to myself, this can't be. I had to reassure myself that this will never happen, but then I saw the numbers. After the 2014-15 season, Toews and Kane are slated to become free agents. It is very possible that, with the growth in their respective cap hits, the Hawks may not be able to keep both of them. With Toews having more compete and greater clutchness, Kane is the obvious choice to go. 

But why Buffalo? Obvious reasons include, "they suck" and "he's from there." This reasoning just doesn't do it for me, so I did some exploring. Given Kane's history of partying, "bro" behavior, and being a dude, one can assume he delves into some smut filmography. To prove this theory I visited Buffalo's own, XXXPlay Place, an adult film entertainment and novelty store. Thanks to an anonymous employee I found 948 rentals signed out under the names, Kaner, PaddyKane and 1 under the name Jamal David Mayers. As if 948 porn rentals wasn't enough to prove an addiction, they were all the same film! That film you ask? "Bimbo Bowlers from Buffalo!"

Okay, so the guy likes some late 80's smut, what's the correlation to him playing in Buffalo? Calm down baby birds, mama's gonna feed ya. As I was leaving XXXPlay Place with an oddly shaped lollipop and and weird itch, I ran into none other than Randy West, a New York native and star of such films as 1994's "The Butt Sisters Do Detroit", "Once Upon an Anal" and yes, "Bimbo Bowlers from Buffalo." I had a chance to talk to Mr. West over a Jamba Juice and he had some insider information. At an autograph signing in late 2013 Kane was a visitor of Mr. West's table. The two had a chance to chat, other than Kane showing his appreciation for Mr. West as an actor, he assured him that when his contract expires the only team he will sign with is the Buffalo Sabres. Kane went on to explain that he wanted to be closer to the adult film industry that he loved so much and that in order to get full use of his Play Place MVP card he needed to be closer to the establishment.

There it is, it comes full circle. Whether you believe in the outcome or not is up to you, but when Randy West puts his name to something, I believe it.

Marbles.

Updated Standings: Fantasy Sochi Olympics

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The race for 2nd place