Friday, May 9, 2014

The (Original) Post

Fine. Since "I'm" airing all my dirty laundry for the world to see, I suppose I can elaborate a little on my thoughts. On April 8th 2011, the color commentator of the San Jose Sharks said something really stupid. This isn't uncommon, and it's barely even noteworthy because everything he says is stupid. But I'll fill you in anyway because I'm a judgmental asshole.

Joe Thornton scored a goal in the 3rd period against the Phoenix Coyotes, making it his 1000th career NHL regular season point. Afterwards, Drew Remenda got all excited about it and said this (paraphrased, because it happened three years ago and I don't remember exactly what he said):

There's a bunch of Joe Thornton stats out there today which are just absolutely incredible. He's the 78th player to reach 1000 points and he's 78th all-time in points. It's weird. It's the numerology man, it's crazy...

Well no shit, dude. He just recorded his 1000th point. Where the hell did you expect him to rank all-time? Do you understand how counting works, Drew? I mean, you just essentially said the same exact thing twice in one sentence. And then told us all how shocked you were that the result was the same.

I have something for you that'll just blow your mind. Did you know that Drew Remenda was the 4th person to ever be a Sharks color commentator, and he's in 4th place all-time for Sharks color commentators. THE NUMEROLOGY!!!! Man, it's a good thing I took care this today and not tomorrow, otherwise there's no way I'd be able to tackle ALL OF THESE MATH PROBLEMS.

P.S. Do I need to change my password?

Thursday, May 8, 2014

The (Original) Lost Post

Drew Remenda

There's a bunch of Joe Thornton stats out there today which are just absolutely incredible he's the 78th player to reach 1000 points and he's the 78th all time in points. it's weird. it's the numerology man, it's crazy...

Monday, May 5, 2014

And now, back to our regularly-scheduled programming

I’m going to describe two articles to you. All you have to do is tell me what website published each. I’ll even give you hints because OMG I love u: you’ll find neither at Bleacher Report!

One is from Yahoo! The other? NHL.com

One is full of conjecture, anecdotal evidence, hyperbole, and contradictions. The other is well-written, backed by (somewhat) objective evidence, and isn’t full of tired clichés.

Did you guess correctly? Do you know which one I'm going to fisk?

Congratulations, Puck Daddy! Front-line winner!

As Logan Couture said after the San Jose Sharks pissed away a 3-0 lead to the Los Angeles Kings in the most epic choke in franchise history – and that’s saying something – this was the “type of series that will rip your heart out."

Of course, that assumes the team has heart in the first place, which is something it clearly doesn’t. It has panic, doubt, confusion, lack of confidence and delusion by the bushel, but nary a postseason atrium or ventricle.

Oops! You said something really stupid. Hopefully, you don’t write for a major internet publication where thousands of people will read it and then believe you.


Remember the 2010 Bruins? After their heartless, gutless, panic-stricken, ventricleless performance against the Flyers, their whole team demanded trades and they relocated to Puerto Rico like every team needing to relocate does. Man, Puerto Rico has a lot of teams.


“It’s just so disappointing that we were able to go up 3-0 and not find a way to have that killer instinct, to find a way to scrape and claw and win games like they did,” said Couture.


But they’re not the Kings. They’re not the Blackhawks. They’re not the Bruins. They can match their star power and point totals and postseason expectations, but much like the rest of the NHL they can’t match their structure, poise and reliance on players that continually come through when it counts most.

Once again, I’d like you to name these players. Name these “players that continually come through when it counts most.” Not going to bother because you can’t? Anze Kopitar? Patrice Bergeron? Jonathan Toews? Alex Ovechkin? Oh, I know! Patrick Marleau and Joe Thornton!

Was there really any doubt about which team was built to a win a Game 7?

Imagine what this roster looks like:

“Here’s the starting line-up of YOUR 2014 Monroe Built-for-Game-7s!”
At Center, number 69, Scott Walker!
At Left Wing, number 69, Andrew Desjardins!
At Right Wing, number 24, Max Talbot!
At Left Defense, number +2, Eric Palac!
At Right Defense, number 69, Brian ShevDRAMACLUBrovich!
At Goalie, number Vic, Vic!

That team is going to win a fucking Game 7 or two. Either of those. Either Game 2 or Game 7.

Might it have been the one with Drew Doughty, who constantly finds higher levels on championship stages?


It’s so easy and lazy to say someone is finding a “higher level” after they’ve won. How about that 2013 playoff for Brad Doty? I’m sure you think 18 games is enough sample size. Really upped his game there.

Or Anze Kopitar, everything Joe Thornton isn’t?

You’re right. Thornton is much taller.

Or Jonathan Quick, whose dogged mental focus and leadership took him from people making “shouldn’t have traded Bernier!” jokes to bowing at his skates?

The American squad took home the gold medal in the Mental Focus and a Silver in Leadership (stupid Brunei) at the 2014 Livonia Brain Olympics led by Jonathan Quick and Mike “Logs” Logsdon. But whoops on those Sochi Olympics! Maybe next year, Logs.

Or Justin Williams, who now has an obscene 10 points in five Game 7s?

samplesizesamplesizesamplesizesamplesizesamplesizesamplesizesamplesizesamplesize

Or Darryl Sutter, the steadiest of hands on the wheel?

He’s the Dale Earnhardt of coaching.

Or the one with Patrick Marleau and Joe Thornton?

You're right, they suck!

“It’s tough saying it, but I think the better team won the series. They were better than us. We lost four games,” said Couture. And that’s one of the reasons why, despite putting their names in the record books as one of the four biggest playoff chokes in history, the Sharks once again seem to have some wiggle room for excuses.

WIGGLE ROOM?!?! They lost to a team YOU HAVE OPENLY ADMITTED IS BETTER. Sure, you used stupid clichés and things that are impossible to prove, but still you admitted it. Lots of people are admitting it. It’s ok to admit it. It was projected to be a close series. It was a close series. Why does it matter how it got there? No one was calling the Sharks chokers last year.


Look, in all logical assessment, this team should be hit with a wrecking ball and then the pieces should be sledgehammered and then the whole mess should be shoveled into a furnace. Two quarterfinal losses sandwiching a semifinal loss. Never winning a Stanley Cup in 17 franchise playoff appearances, because they’ve never played for one.

And yet there’s something that keeps one from pushing all the way down on the red candy-like button that reads “DEMOLISH.”

Yes, do you know why the Sharks lost 4 straight to the Kings in 2014, because fuck Vlastimil Kroupa.

For the God-damned record:
Your Championship, poised, structured Boston Bruins: 32 playoff appearances between Cups.
Your death, taxes, Chicago Blackhawks: 38 playoff appearances between Cups
Your Game-7-shoo-in Los Angeles Kings: 25 playoff appearances before Cup #1

Congratulations, San Jose Sharks! Despite your youth, you’re one of the most successful franchises since your existence.

Maybe it’s that the Kings, at the end of the day, are simply the better team and the reason why the Sharks have hit the greens the last two postseasons.

It’s almost like this whole article is a colossal waste of time.

Maybe it was because they missed Marc-Edouard Vlasic, whom Todd McLellan called their Drew Doughty like Ken Hitchcock called David Backes his Jonathan Toews, in Games 6 and 7.

Uh oh, Greg. That sounds like actual evidence. Please return to ignoring sample size and that the Kings are a good team.

Maybe it’s because you look at this Sharks roster and wonder how and why they can’t win. It’s an annual rite.

Thank you.

Despite this playoff disaster, we’ll probably do it again next season. (Ed. Note: I’m out, however. This loss means I take a pie to the face from the LA Kings mascot thanks to a Twitter wager. The Sharks are dead to me. DEAD!)

Oh, so this article is written because you had a personal stake in the outcome. You picked San Jose because they are a good team. You should’ve saved yourself a lot of hassle and picked Columbus to win it all. Then you wouldn’t be so disappointed.

The problem is, how do you improve on psyche?

How do you erase the hard drives of these players who only know defeat, and whose brief tastes of victory lead to unjustified inflation of their egos?

This is so fucking overdramatic. We aren’t talking about the Washington Generals, here. The Sharks made the Conference Finals two years in a row recently. They know “how to win.” Only one team wins the Stanley Cup every year. San Jose was never lucky enough to do it.

A new coach, a new goalie – Alex Stalock should get his chance, but Niemi’s out of them – perhaps a significant upheaval on the back end with Dan Boyle moving on. These are the baseline changes for the Sharks in the offseason.

But…Niemi…Cup…you said…Blackhawks…Cup…Dan Boyle…Cup...I just..Cup

The beacon of hope here is that the 2010 Boston Bruins, victims of the same reverse sweep, went on to win the Stanley Cup the following season. They’ve become the model for teams looking to make excuses rather than significant changes: Adam Oates sang their praises after the Capitals were ousted from the playoffs last season.

ORR, they’ve become a model for teams that know the playoffs are a stupid 20 game tournament where anything can happen like good teams losing 4 in a row to teams that are just as good. And, then, hey, let’s try again next year.

He’s out of a job now.

Not relevant. The implication is that Oates made excuses instead of significant changes and that’s why he was fired. He was never the Capitals GM. He was not in a position to make any changes. Also, and maybe you don’t know this, the Bruins are really good. Everyone is singing their praises lately. Adam Oates, Randy Carlyle, William K. Mitchell, Joey Burek; A lot of people who got fired recently think the Bruins are good.

Sure, it can happen. Maybe losing Vlasic is akin to the Bruins losing David Krejci in Game 3 against the Flyers. Maybe this was the ultimate indignity before the ultimate reward.Maybe if they don’t play the Kings. Maybe if they aren’t 0-for-15 on the power play to end the series. Maybe if Niemi was better. Maybe, maybe, maybe maybe.

Maybe.

It can happen. Just like it can happen every season for the Sharks. They tease, they tantalize; they’re the ultimate “something’s gotta give” team.

Or maybe there are, and forever shall be, the Sharks. The Prometheus of hockey; but instead of its liver, it's the heart that gets ripped out every spring, only to grow back again to be ripped out once more.

Mind if I re-write this article so that it is full of logic and good writing? Don’t mind if I do!


As Logan Couture said after the San Jose Sharks pissed away a 3-0 lead to the Los Angeles Kings…this was the “type of series that will rip your heart out."

Maybe it’s that the Kings, at the end of the day, are simply the better team and the reason why the Sharks have hit the greens the last two postseasons.

Maybe it was because they missed Marc-Edouard Vlasic, whom Todd McLellan called their Drew Doughty like Ken Hitchcock called David Backes his Jonathan Toews, in Games 6 and 7.

“It’s tough saying it, but I think the better team won the series. They were better than us. We lost four games,” said Couture.

In theory, the problems start at the top, and that another set of eyes and opinions would be able to slice open this carcass and see where the cancer is. But Wilson’s going to be charged with that task, and likely with making significant upgrades to this roster for next season.

Not blowing it up. Improving it.

Sure, it can happen. Maybe losing Vlasic is akin to the Bruins losing David Krejci in Game 3 against the Flyers. Maybe this was the ultimate indignity before the ultimate reward.Maybe if they don’t play the Kings. Maybe if they aren’t 0-for-15 on the power play to end the series. Maybe if Niemi was better.

It can happen. Just like it can happen every season for the Sharks.

There we go. Much better. I even used your words. You were so close.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Updated Standings: Fantasy 2014 Playoffs

Check out how far behind me you all are below...until the last week, when Andrew passes me.

The race for 3rd place

For those that are new to this, the URL automatically updates when I make changes. I have a time/date of most recent update at the bottom of the first tab so you can see how current the standings are. Geez...who am I? Dave Willard?

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Babe!

Just eating some BBQ Pork Mac, and checking out some BABES


Go Marty go!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

America, NEWS!

I have some pretty awesome news. The Columbus Blue Jackets are in the playoffs. But really how could they not make it? With guys like, Sergei Bobrovski, Artem Anisimov, Cam Atkinsonov, Jared Bollov, Nikita Nikitinov, Ryan Johansenov, Fedor Tyutinov, Boone Jennerov,  you know, some of the coolest players around.

I have some pretty terrible news. The Detroit Red Wings made the playoffs. Also, Vokoun is calling it quits after this season.....way bummer, no bueno.

End News.

Keeping it short today, the pretty terrible news is pretty terrible. Guess I'll have to eat some BBQ Pork Mac and check out these babes.....

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Thank You, Jebus.

If the playoffs were to start today, cool things would happen. Also, not cool things would happen. Cool things like Dallas, Columbus, Minnesota & Tampa all making it to the big dance.  Not cool things like Philadelphia and Detroit also making it to the no-pants party. One not cool thing in particular would happen however, Vancouver wouldn't make it. 

Now, lets talk about all the reason why Vancouver wouldn't make it. Or just list them, either way.
  • Zac Dalpe has only 7 points in 54 games, c'mon Zac!
  • Yanin Sauve only has 0 points in his three games, as some bands road manager said once when lead singer John Willard Monak quipped about the inauspicious-ness of Occam's Razor, "Get your shit together Yanin!"
  • Goalie, Joacim Eriksson has a 10.00 GAA in 36 minutes of playing time. Spent some time at Puckgozynski's Goalie Camp this summer did we?
  • Benn Ferriero doesn't have any short handed points in two appearances this season. The FUCK man!
And that's it. No other reason for them potentially not making it aside from these bums.

In other news, Toews is sitting for the rest of the season with, from what I've been told John, an upper penile injury. Now, my source didn't say whether or not by upper they meant closer to the base or tip so, mystery unsolved.

Also, Jake McCabe will forgo his senior season at Wisconsin after signing a deal with the Sabres. He's coming off a career best 25 point season, eight of those being goals! Move over Tyler Myers, this guy is ready to NEVER PLAY IN THE NHL, is what we would be saying if he was on any other team but Buffalo, HA!

Matt Duchene is out for 4 weeks after his face was stuck from chugging mega cock.



Till next time, stop sending me boob pics.
-Marbles