Monday, April 14, 2014

Updated Standings: Fantasy 2014 Playoffs

Check out how far behind me you all are below...until the last week, when Andrew passes me.

The race for 3rd place

For those that are new to this, the URL automatically updates when I make changes. I have a time/date of most recent update at the bottom of the first tab so you can see how current the standings are. Geez...who am I? Dave Willard?

Saturday, April 12, 2014


Just eating some BBQ Pork Mac, and checking out some BABES

Go Marty go!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

America, NEWS!

I have some pretty awesome news. The Columbus Blue Jackets are in the playoffs. But really how could they not make it? With guys like, Sergei Bobrovski, Artem Anisimov, Cam Atkinsonov, Jared Bollov, Nikita Nikitinov, Ryan Johansenov, Fedor Tyutinov, Boone Jennerov,  you know, some of the coolest players around.

I have some pretty terrible news. The Detroit Red Wings made the playoffs. Also, Vokoun is calling it quits after this season.....way bummer, no bueno.

End News.

Keeping it short today, the pretty terrible news is pretty terrible. Guess I'll have to eat some BBQ Pork Mac and check out these babes.....

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Thank You, Jebus.

If the playoffs were to start today, cool things would happen. Also, not cool things would happen. Cool things like Dallas, Columbus, Minnesota & Tampa all making it to the big dance.  Not cool things like Philadelphia and Detroit also making it to the no-pants party. One not cool thing in particular would happen however, Vancouver wouldn't make it. 

Now, lets talk about all the reason why Vancouver wouldn't make it. Or just list them, either way.
  • Zac Dalpe has only 7 points in 54 games, c'mon Zac!
  • Yanin Sauve only has 0 points in his three games, as some bands road manager said once when lead singer John Willard Monak quipped about the inauspicious-ness of Occam's Razor, "Get your shit together Yanin!"
  • Goalie, Joacim Eriksson has a 10.00 GAA in 36 minutes of playing time. Spent some time at Puckgozynski's Goalie Camp this summer did we?
  • Benn Ferriero doesn't have any short handed points in two appearances this season. The FUCK man!
And that's it. No other reason for them potentially not making it aside from these bums.

In other news, Toews is sitting for the rest of the season with, from what I've been told John, an upper penile injury. Now, my source didn't say whether or not by upper they meant closer to the base or tip so, mystery unsolved.

Also, Jake McCabe will forgo his senior season at Wisconsin after signing a deal with the Sabres. He's coming off a career best 25 point season, eight of those being goals! Move over Tyler Myers, this guy is ready to NEVER PLAY IN THE NHL, is what we would be saying if he was on any other team but Buffalo, HA!

Matt Duchene is out for 4 weeks after his face was stuck from chugging mega cock.

Till next time, stop sending me boob pics.

Friday, March 28, 2014


I was applying gynecomastia treatment to my abnormally large breasts and looking at about 50 photos of my friend’s balls the other day when I realized my life to this point hasn’t turned out how I expected.  In an attempt to improve short-term morale, I decided to watch YouTube videos of Sergei Fedorov, Alexander Frolov, Slava Voynov, Artem Anisimov, Valentin Zykov, Vyacheslav Kozlov, Nik Antropov, Sergei Kolosov, Anton Belov, Vladimir Denisov, Vladimir Zharkov, Denis Grebeshkov, Kirill Kabanov, Jed Ortmeyer, Leo Komarov, Nikita Kucherov, Andrei Loktionov, Maxim Goncharov, Igor Makarov, Maksim Mayorov, Dmitry Orlov, Mike Smith, Alexander Radulov, Andrei Markov, Anton Volchenkov, Sergei Zubov, Nail Yakupov, Dmitry Kulikov, Alexei Ponikarov, Brian Lashov, Sergei Bobrov, Grigor Dimitrov, Alex Dolgopolov, Alex Bogomolov, and Sara Errani. This, of course, didn’t help. At all. I don’t know why I thought it would. Those guys are all stupid. Except for Mike Smith. He’s pretty cool. But it did, for some reason or another, have me thinking about my blogging colleagues. Which is nice, I like those guys. But then I started thinking about my friend’s balls again...


Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Lend Me Your Ears

As I sit here and watch a commercial about gynecomastia, the growth of abnormally large breast in men, I can't help but think of my blogging colleagues. Dacque was right, we do need some leadership in this outfit. These rag-tag shenanigans must come to an end. So I, Marbles, will step up to the microphone and Karen Newman these sorry sons of bitches back to glory! Prepare to hockey and only hockey.

The New York Rangers confirmed on Wednesday that Chris Kreider’s hand injury, suffered three games ago against the Columbus Blue Jackets, is going to keep him shelved for at least the team’s next five games. J.T. Miller has been recalled from Hartford in the AHL.Steve Zipay of Newsday says "team doctors are still deciding whether..."
It's been just over a week since Pittsburgh Penguins defenseman Kris Letang rejoined his teammates at practice after suffering a stroke on Jan. 29. After finishing a blood-thinner treatment and being further evaluated by doctors, he's been cleared to play again; but the decision on when he returns to the lineup is now solely with him.
From the Tribune-Review:“It's going to be my call,” he said. “It's all about when I feel ready.”Letang, 26, said he will “still have to meet with the doctors” — as a precautionary checkup — before entering game action but said he will....

Being a Toronto Maple Leafs fan must be one of the life’s most confounding situations.

There you go, no fuss no muss no coconuts. No more fun, hell, not even my words, I copied these from Puck Daddy because Dacque wants to kill the very essence of what makes us the writers we are. You don't like reading about P-Kane's porno problem? You don't like reading notes I leave for you detailing how I want to murder you but were actually written by an early 1900's serial killer? Maybe you should choose a different blog to contribute to, because here, in this world, porno isn't only for pyros, it's for Patrick Kane...and pyros.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Tyutin in Staals: Where bad hockey writers come to die.

Ever see that one commercial featuring Stu Grimson? Ya know, the one where he's in the dressing room with his team during intermission getting bitched at by his coach about how he needs to be more physical? Then he gets a phone call from his useless wife because she can't get their brat daughter to go to fucking sleep, so he has to sing The Itsy Bitsy Spider to her? Yeah. That one. I'm sure you have, it's like ten years old. Have you ever actually taken a look at how bad it is? 

I mean, I understand there's a stereotype that hockey players are tough, and they lose their teeth because of fighting and hockey sticks and pucks and manliness. But they couldn't just hire some dude with no front teeth to laugh for a couple seconds while a camera pans past him? Or that? After all, Stu has all of his teeth, and he's Exhibit A for toughness and hockeyness and manness. I'm sure the writers were pretty proud of themselves when they came up with the idea to have a dude with no teeth, but was that really the selling point? The "must have" portion of the commercial that they couldn't do without regardless of how horrible it looks?

Look at these guys...enforcers...tough guys...fighters...manmen.

Tahir Domi

David Koci

Brian ShevDRAMACLUBrovich

Darren McCarty
Ben Willard

Notice anything about these guys? With the exception of one, they all have their teeth.

Now, a note for our loyal fans, for our dedicated followers. I'm sorry. We've reached a new low. We critique commercials now. We quote letters serial killers leave for their attorneys. It's been a long, slow, painful fall from the standard we used to keep for ourselves. Remember the glory days? Remember how current and relevant we used to be? Remember "What Have We, Vanna?" and "Twas the night before Playoffs."? Remember "Hi" and "Soggy Depends® Sports News of the Hoary Type"? What happened to us? I think we need some more veteran leadership. Someone to lead by example.