Tuesday, January 15, 2013

50 Shades of Butthurt

With this shortened season (and our perpetual hockey boners) set to commence this coming weekend, the blogosphere is full of luscious new reading material to peruse and ridicule.  Within this vibrant garden of premium journalism is an ever-expanding patch of predictions, including varieties such as team standings, point leaders, and the oh-so-coveted Cup champion.  Since these written predictions are always wrong, this opens the gate for another gardener to water his or her blog until a dainty pansy of an article has blossomed.  Thanks for giving me some feed, Wysh!

Coming up, the TSN top 50 for 2013, and a few critiques …

So, this is TSN's top 50 for the 2013 season -- this particular season we're about to begin, that is.  This list appears to be providing who those at TSN believe will be the top 50 players for THIS COMING SEASON, likely based on players' current abilities (rather than career output... sorry, Hejduk), their potential for success with their respective teams, and perhaps a little bit of personal bias... GASP!

Since providing our lovely reader(s) with TSN's top 50 list was easier than anticipated (who knew copy-paste could actually work?  I'm genuinely marveled.), here it is, in all of its flawless and objective glory:



1. Sidney Crosby26. Ryan Suter
2. Evgeni Malkin27. Pekka Rinne
3. Claude Giroux28. Alex Pietrangelo
4. Steven Stamkos29. Kris Letang
5. Pavel Datsyuk30. Martin St. Louis
6. Jonathan Toews31. Tyler Seguin
7. Shea Weber32. Marian Hossa
8. Daniel Sedin33. Nicklas Backstrom
9. Henrik Sedin34. Ryan Getzlaf
10. Anze Kopitar35. Patrice Bergeron
11. Erik Karlsson36. James Neal
12. Zdeno Chara37. Jarome Iginla
13. Zach Parise38. Patrick Kane
14. Alex Ovechkin39. Jamie Benn
15. Henrik Lundqvist40. Joe Thornton
16. Jonathan Quick41. Logan Couture
17. Drew Doughty42. Brad Richards
18. Ilya Kovalchuk43. Dustin Brown
19. Corey Perry44. Mike Richards
20. John Tavares45. Marian Gaborik
21. Eric Staal46. Jordan Staal
22. Henrik Zetterberg47. Phil Kessel
23. Jason Spezza48. Ryan Nugent-Hopkins
24. Rick Nash49. Duncan Keith
25. Jordan Eberle50. Taylor Hall

That's a respectable list!  The only significant changes I would make would be to drop Richards and Keith off of this list (not far off, though), send Kessel a little higher ("half way down, guys"), and bring Brad Doty into the early-20s.  Other than that, the movement would be minimal.  What do you think, Daddy-G?

Bobby Ryan isn't better than any of these players?

Sure, he has better hands than Dustin Brown and a better shot than Pekka Rinne, but look at the roster surrounding him in Anaheim -- it shouldn't surprise (m)any that his assist totals were down last season.  Adding Souray, Allen, and Winnik to the roster isn't a guarantee for top-gear offense as one may believe.  Ryan certainly has the pedigree to make this list, but I agree with TSN's decision to keep him off of it this season. 

Can we go back to the days when Henrik Sedin was clearly seen as the better Sedin? In 2010-11, he was ranked sixth while Daniel was No. 18. Last year, the two were ranked sequentially, and it happened again this year.

No, you idiot.  Henrik was ranked higher heading into the '10-'11 season due to Daniel's injury the previous season.  Daniel finished ten points ahead of Henrik in '10-'11, while Henrik finished 14 points ahead of Daniel last season.  A sequential ranking seems appropriate right now, although they appear to be missing their less attractive, more productive triplet in these rankings... AGAIN.

There’s probably an alternate universe in which Erik Karlsson is a more complete, accomplished and consistent player than Zdeno Chara. We imagine it’s always raining Skittles and cars drive people there, too.

There (potentially) is!  It's called 2023!  Of course Chara is the more established and well-rounded defenseman of the two, and it's silly of Wysh to even give the impression that the alternative is possible (or that anyone outside of Ottawa or my basement thinks this is possible) at this point.  Zdeno is 35 this year, which means he will regress this season.  Or, it means that he'll put up 50 points in 48 games while throwing 100+ hits.  OR, it means that he's retiring tomorrow and becoming fully invested in his nude modeling passion.  We don't know!  That's the fun part!

What we do know, however, is that Karlsson had quite a breakout last season, worthy enough to surpass Chara for the Norris Trophy.  Is it THAT much of a stretch to think that Karlsson may be able to step his game up this season?  Perhaps, but the potential is there for him to do so, where it's more likely for Chara to maintain his current output or to begin trending downward.  Regardless, they're listed sequentially within the top 15, and Wysh wouldn't have said a damn thing if their positions were swapped on this list.  It's not as if TSN posted this as, "Erik Karlsson: NUMBA ONE GO CANADA FUK YEH! Zdeno Chara: DED LAST LOL U SUKK!"  Just unbunch those loins, man.

The Phoenix Coyotes do not exist, and if they do, then Shane Doan and Keith Yandle Mike Smith and Oliver Ekman-Larsson are all products of Dave Tippett’s system and not part of the top 50.

The Coyotes do, in fact, exist, but the rest of that statement is pretty accurate.  As good of players as these four may or may not be, Dave Tippett's defensive strategy is well-executed and has provided efficient results throughout his coaching history.  In fact, between the six years he coached in Dallas and the three he has spent in Phoenix, his teams have only finished below 7th in Goals Against Average twice.  Offensive declines from Doan and Yandle probably factored into their lesser rankings, as well.  Mike Smith's fantastic numbers could have earned him a spot on this list, but you just can't fit that many players into such a tight spot (unless you're from Brazzers or RedTube).

All due respect to the run Dustin Brown had on the Kings’ most productive offensive line, but where the [expletive] is David Backes on this list?

Uh... he's clearly not on this list.  Glad I was here to clarify that for you.

Sorry Dan Girardi, but being the best defensive defenseman in hockey isn’t good enough. NEEDZ MOAR POINTZ.

Just as being the best fighter in the league isn't good enough for Alex Semin.  TSN, I know you don't usually incorporate defensive defensemen into your yearly top 50, but It Would Be Cooler If You Did.  I'd probably place Ryan McDonagh higher up than Girardi, anyway (but not above Scott Gomez).

So we can reward Jordan Staal’s potential as a player who emerged from the Sid/Geno shadow and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins' potential as a sophomore player, but Gabe Landeskog has, what, hit his ceiling?

No, but Gabe is surrounded by players who underperformed last season and despite Colorado's offseason acquisition of Parenteau, they are still flying very low under the radar.  The Oilers are laden with prized prospects and top draft picks while Carolina has added two significant top six forwards to an already competitive squad.  Forgive them (and 80% of the other teams in the league) for keeping the spotlight off of Denver.

Finally, please put Loui Eriksson on these lists. Every time you don’t, the Underrated Monster grows stronger and more ravenous …

Actually, he'll probably just put up around 16 goals and 26 assists, which is about the same per-game pace he has kept over the past three seasons.  He would replace Mike Richards on my list, while I'd replace Duncan Keith with either Patrick Sharp or Mike Smith, but it's all trivial at this point. 

The point is: FOUR DAYS! HOCKEY'S BACK!


Tuesday, January 8, 2013

I'm Wide Awake, It's Boring

YAWWWN

I’m awake. And I’m happier than a Sheahan in a Teletubby costume store (or more accurately, a Sheahan who can’t complain because he played great), because HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK!

To be fair, the NHL is back; “hockey” never went away. Any Canadian man or woman or beast will remind you that the minor leagues is where the “real” players are, who play with “heart” and “hustle” and “aren’t” “spoiled” “by the” greed “of” whiny “players” and “Gary ‘Butt’man.” "I’M KEEPING MY HOCKEY RELATED REVENUE IN MY RECTUM."

Ok, good for you. I’m going to fill a barrel with dead fish and then fire a rocket launcher at it by going over to Bleacher Report to see if I can find somet - found it.

It’s TITLED:

5 Bold Predictions for the San Jose Sharks

With a title like that, I am ready for some bizarre-ass shit. Tommy Wingels for Art Ross. Ryane Clowe for “Girls Choice for Brother” in the team yearbook. Douglas Murray for handsome. I’m ready, SO BRING ON THE BOLD.

1. Antti Niemi Will Shine in Net.

OW! MY EYES! TOO BOLD!

Goalie Antti Niemi has already won a Stanley Cup, back in 2010 with the Chicago Blackhawks.

San Jose has a deep and talented defense with Dan Boyle, Douglas Murray, Brent Burns, Marc-Edouard Vlasic, Brad Stuart, Jason Demers and Justin Braun all available. They provide a good mix of youth and experience and play-makers and positional players.

I know not every goalie who was “won a Stanley Cup” is awesome, but it’s not like Niemi has been BAD or is unproven as far as goaltenders go. He went .915/2.42 last year in 68 games. Sure, he’ll “shine” or play pretty decent. Plus, he's got good defensemen, but that doesn't matter. Whatever, that’s one not-really-bold-at-all statement. A bold start, Brad Kurtzberg!

Boring 1, Anquan Boldin 0.

2. Logan Couture Will Take His Game to the Next Level

Logan Couture is 23 and has already enjoyed back-to-back 30-goal seasons for the Sharks.

During the lockout, the London, Ontario, native has stayed sharp by playing in Switzerland, where he is averaging a point per game.

Very impressive. Lots of recognizable point-per-game talent in that Swiss League. This guy is someone I think I didn’t forget. This guy sure has a bright future in the NHL. Maybe he will take his game to the next level. This guy is a Jew. So that's interest and relevant. Did I cherry-pick a bit? Never, but don’t go and check to see if I’m ruining it by looking at the others.

Look for the young Couture to have another stellar season and even to take his production to the next level. He is already in game shape, has immense talent and still hasn't reached his prime.

Oh, I’ll be looking. Logan Couture is a very good player. He was also taken 9th overall in his draft. To say he might even reach another level! isn’t ground-breaking. It’s not even ground-pushing-and-shoving. It’s just ground-walking in slippers on cement.

For those of you scoring at home, that’s Boldness 0, Boredom 2. Maybe he picks up the boldness with the next one.

3. Martin Havlat Will Not Stay Healthy All Season

HOLY FUCK BRAD KURTZBERG THIS SHIT IS SO BOLD. Blogger won’t let me put the text of the prediction in a bolded font in fear of the consequences. When I put this prediction on my spare ribs, THEY TASTE AWESOME. THAT IS HOW BOLD THIS IS. I have to stop reading this. You can’t keep up the break-neck pace on these insane predictions, Brad.

“Havlat gets bad hurts and stuff.” Ugh. Can you think of any one thing you could say about the Sharks that would be LESS bold? I'll try:

Things to say about the Sharks that are not as bold as predicting Martin Havlat will get hurt:
1. Joe Thornton will choke in the playoffs.
2. Patrick Marleau will choke in the playoffs.
3. Douglas Murray is hideous and barely human.
4. the cotton gin
5.....

So I could think of four. That's not enough to write for Bleacher Report. Guess I'm stuck blogging for free in my hockey coach's basement.

Martin Havlat only played in 39 games last season for the Sharks. When he did play, he was disappointing, producing only seven goals and 27 points, well below expectations.

WELL below? He obviously played hurt, too, and his pace put him on par with Joe Pavelski and 5th on the team. Not to mention, he averaged 3 minutes fewer per game than Pavelski, Thornton and Marleau. He also had the lowest shot percentage of his career by a mile. That will improve. He’s like, the unluckiest guy in the league.

I know we are all a bunch of Marty lackeys around here, but why do writers hate him so much? Did he kick their puppies? Did he fart without saying doorknob? Did he bone their wives? Actually, yeah, he probably boned their wives.

That’s 0fer 3 on the boldness. And man, this is the opposite of bold.

4. Either Patrick Marleau or Joe Thornton Will Not Be with the Sharks Next Year

Ok, sure. This is a bold prediction. It’s also stupid. The Sharks will have to clear some cap space because the salary cap is dropping thanks to how those silly owners just can't control them crazy selves. They’ll also have over $6 million in cap space cleared without having to move Thornton or Marleau since Ryane Clowe and Michal Handzus ($2.5 mil for him?! What?!) will be UFAs.

They could see how the team is doing at the deadline in 2014 and then move their expiring contracts. They’ll still be under 35. I know this is a BOLD prediction, but why would San Jose do this?

The Sharks have a lot of money invested in two players: Patrick Marleau and Joe Thornton. They are both 33. Both of them are considered leaders on this team, but many critics both inside and outside the organization question their leadership abilities.

Joe will be sitting tub-side with a fork and knife, waiting to eat a tub-full of leadership squat.

5. Larry Robinson Will Be the Head Coach of the Sharks by Next Season

One thing about Robinson: He knows how to win. As a player with Montreal and Los Angeles, he won six Stanley Cups and never failed to reach the postseason in 20 NHL seasons.

He has also won three Stanley Cups as a coach (head or assistant) or scout.

That is some expert scouting. Larry Robinson knows how to scout a Cup.



"Do you see that? In the distance? Hiding in the plains of the Serengeti?"

No, Larry, what is it?!

"That is it."

What is it!?

"That's the Stanley Cup."


And he’s never lost anything: chess, keys, chutes and ladders, BurgerTime, a coin flip. No pennies in between Larry Robinson’s couch cushions. And when he watches LOST, he can’t.

Also, check out that Cup team he head coached. They were sure crummy before he took over for 8 games. How about those 4 amazing, winnerized seasons in LA? Nothing about those eh?

Also also, since he’s such a winning winner who wins all the winning wins, shouldn’t having him as an assistant coach be enough? Or is San Jose just that big a sack of sad sack losers?

Also also also, this isn’t that bold either. The Sharks are a team that has high expectations. If they aren’t met, they will fire the coach because you can’t fire players and then hey why not hire the guy with the Cup win and stuff. That always works.

Anyway, hopefully I’m back for a while. I missed you, lover.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Like a locked out Bruin...

I'm out of my hibernation. Expect some more from us (well, me) real, real, real soon. Hockey's back, all-right!