I’m awake. And I’m happier than a Sheahan in a Teletubby costume store (or more accurately, a Sheahan who can’t complain because he played great), because HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK!
To be fair, the NHL is back; “hockey” never went away. Any Canadian man or woman or beast will remind you that the minor leagues is where the “real” players are, who play with “heart” and “hustle” and “aren’t” “spoiled” “by the” greed “of” whiny “players” and “Gary ‘Butt’man.” "I’M KEEPING MY HOCKEY RELATED REVENUE IN MY RECTUM."
Ok, good for you. I’m going to fill a barrel with dead fish and then fire a rocket launcher at it by going over to Bleacher Report to see if I can find somet - found it.
It’s TITLED:
5 Bold Predictions for the San Jose Sharks
With a title like that, I am ready for some bizarre-ass shit. Tommy Wingels for Art Ross. Ryane Clowe for “Girls Choice for Brother” in the team yearbook. Douglas Murray for handsome. I’m ready, SO BRING ON THE BOLD.
1. Antti Niemi Will Shine in Net.
OW! MY EYES! TOO BOLD!
Goalie Antti Niemi has already won a Stanley Cup, back in 2010 with the Chicago Blackhawks.
San Jose has a deep and talented defense with Dan Boyle, Douglas Murray, Brent Burns, Marc-Edouard Vlasic, Brad Stuart, Jason Demers and Justin Braun all available. They provide a good mix of youth and experience and play-makers and positional players.
I know not every goalie who was “won a Stanley Cup” is awesome, but it’s not like Niemi has been BAD or is unproven as far as goaltenders go. He went .915/2.42 last year in 68 games. Sure, he’ll “shine” or play pretty decent. Plus, he's got good defensemen, but that doesn't matter. Whatever, that’s one not-really-bold-at-all statement. A bold start, Brad Kurtzberg!
Boring 1, Anquan Boldin 0.
2. Logan Couture Will Take His Game to the Next Level
Logan Couture is 23 and has already enjoyed back-to-back 30-goal seasons for the Sharks.
During the lockout, the London, Ontario, native has stayed sharp by playing in Switzerland, where he is averaging a point per game.
Very impressive. Lots of recognizable point-per-game talent in that Swiss League. This guy is someone I think I didn’t forget. This guy sure has a bright future in the NHL. Maybe he will take his game to the next level. This guy is a Jew. So that's interest and relevant. Did I cherry-pick a bit? Never, but don’t go and check to see if I’m ruining it by looking at the others.
Look for the young Couture to have another stellar season and even to take his production to the next level. He is already in game shape, has immense talent and still hasn't reached his prime.
Oh, I’ll be looking. Logan Couture is a very good player. He was also taken 9th overall in his draft. To say he might even reach another level! isn’t ground-breaking. It’s not even ground-pushing-and-shoving. It’s just ground-walking in slippers on cement.
For those of you scoring at home, that’s Boldness 0, Boredom 2. Maybe he picks up the boldness with the next one.
3. Martin Havlat Will Not Stay Healthy All Season
HOLY FUCK BRAD KURTZBERG THIS SHIT IS SO BOLD. Blogger won’t let me put the text of the prediction in a bolded font in fear of the consequences. When I put this prediction on my spare ribs, THEY TASTE AWESOME. THAT IS HOW BOLD THIS IS. I have to stop reading this. You can’t keep up the break-neck pace on these insane predictions, Brad.
“Havlat gets bad hurts and stuff.” Ugh. Can you think of any one thing you could say about the Sharks that would be LESS bold? I'll try:
Things to say about the Sharks that are not as bold as predicting Martin Havlat will get hurt:
1. Joe Thornton will choke in the playoffs.
2. Patrick Marleau will choke in the playoffs.
3. Douglas Murray is hideous and barely human.
4. the cotton gin
5.....
So I could think of four. That's not enough to write for Bleacher Report. Guess I'm stuck blogging for free in my hockey coach's basement.
Martin Havlat only played in 39 games last season for the Sharks. When he did play, he was disappointing, producing only seven goals and 27 points, well below expectations.
WELL below? He obviously played hurt, too, and his pace put him on par with Joe Pavelski and 5th on the team. Not to mention, he averaged 3 minutes fewer per game than Pavelski, Thornton and Marleau. He also had the lowest shot percentage of his career by a mile. That will improve. He’s like, the unluckiest guy in the league.
I know we are all a bunch of Marty lackeys around here, but why do writers hate him so much? Did he kick their puppies? Did he fart without saying doorknob? Did he bone their wives? Actually, yeah, he probably boned their wives.
That’s 0fer 3 on the boldness. And man, this is the opposite of bold.
4. Either Patrick Marleau or Joe Thornton Will Not Be with the Sharks Next Year
Ok, sure. This is a bold prediction. It’s also stupid. The Sharks will have to clear some cap space because the salary cap is dropping thanks to how those silly owners just can't control them crazy selves. They’ll also have over $6 million in cap space cleared without having to move Thornton or Marleau since Ryane Clowe and Michal Handzus ($2.5 mil for him?! What?!) will be UFAs.
They could see how the team is doing at the deadline in 2014 and then move their expiring contracts. They’ll still be under 35. I know this is a BOLD prediction, but why would San Jose do this?
The Sharks have a lot of money invested in two players: Patrick Marleau and Joe Thornton. They are both 33. Both of them are considered leaders on this team, but many critics both inside and outside the organization question their leadership abilities.
Joe will be sitting tub-side with a fork and knife, waiting to eat a tub-full of leadership squat.
5. Larry Robinson Will Be the Head Coach of the Sharks by Next Season
One thing about Robinson: He knows how to win. As a player with Montreal and Los Angeles, he won six Stanley Cups and never failed to reach the postseason in 20 NHL seasons.
He has also won three Stanley Cups as a coach (head or assistant) or scout.
That is some expert scouting. Larry Robinson knows how to scout a Cup.
"Do you see that? In the distance? Hiding in the plains of the Serengeti?"
No, Larry, what is it?!
"That is it."
"That's the Stanley Cup."
And he’s never lost anything: chess, keys, chutes and ladders, BurgerTime, a coin flip. No pennies in between Larry Robinson’s couch cushions. And when he watches LOST, he can’t.
Also, check out that Cup team he head coached. They were sure crummy before he took over for 8 games. How about those 4 amazing, winnerized seasons in LA? Nothing about those eh?
Also also, since he’s such a winning winner who wins all the winning wins, shouldn’t having him as an assistant coach be enough? Or is San Jose just that big a sack of sad sack losers?
Also also also, this isn’t that bold either. The Sharks are a team that has high expectations. If they aren’t met, they will fire the coach because you can’t fire players and then hey why not hire the guy with the Cup win and stuff. That always works.
Anyway, hopefully I’m back for a while. I missed you, lover.
No comments:
Post a Comment