50 Shades of Butthurt

With this shortened season (and our perpetual hockey boners) set to commence this coming weekend, the blogosphere is full of luscious new reading material to peruse and ridicule.  Within this vibrant garden of premium journalism is an ever-expanding patch of predictions, including varieties such as team standings, point leaders, and the oh-so-coveted Cup champion.  Since these written predictions are always wrong, this opens the gate for another gardener to water his or her blog until a dainty pansy of an article has blossomed.  Thanks for giving me some feed, Wysh!

Coming up, the TSN top 50 for 2013, and a few critiques …

So, this is TSN's top 50 for the 2013 season -- this particular season we're about to begin, that is.  This list appears to be providing who those at TSN believe will be the top 50 players for THIS COMING SEASON, likely based on players' current abilities (rather than career output... sorry, Hejduk), their potential for success with their respective teams, and perhaps a little bit of personal bias... GASP!

Since providing our lovely reader(s) with TSN's top 50 list was easier than anticipated (who knew copy-paste could actually work?  I'm genuinely marveled.), here it is, in all of its flawless and objective glory:

1. Sidney Crosby	26. Ryan Suter
2. Evgeni Malkin	27. Pekka Rinne
3. Claude Giroux	28. Alex Pietrangelo
4. Steven Stamkos	29. Kris Letang
5. Pavel Datsyuk	30. Martin St. Louis
6. Jonathan Toews	31. Tyler Seguin
7. Shea Weber	32. Marian Hossa
8. Daniel Sedin	33. Nicklas Backstrom
9. Henrik Sedin	34. Ryan Getzlaf
10. Anze Kopitar	35. Patrice Bergeron
11. Erik Karlsson	36. James Neal
12. Zdeno Chara	37. Jarome Iginla
13. Zach Parise	38. Patrick Kane
14. Alex Ovechkin	39. Jamie Benn
15. Henrik Lundqvist	40. Joe Thornton
16. Jonathan Quick	41. Logan Couture
17. Drew Doughty	42. Brad Richards
18. Ilya Kovalchuk	43. Dustin Brown
19. Corey Perry	44. Mike Richards
20. John Tavares	45. Marian Gaborik
21. Eric Staal	46. Jordan Staal
22. Henrik Zetterberg	47. Phil Kessel
23. Jason Spezza	48. Ryan Nugent-Hopkins
24. Rick Nash	49. Duncan Keith
25. Jordan Eberle	50. Taylor Hall

That's a respectable list!  The only significant changes I would make would be to drop Richards and Keith off of this list (not far off, though), send Kessel a little higher ("half way down, guys"), and bring Brad Doty into the early-20s.  Other than that, the movement would be minimal.  What do you think, Daddy-G?

Bobby Ryan isn't better than any of these players?

Sure, he has better hands than Dustin Brown and a better shot than Pekka Rinne, but look at the roster surrounding him in Anaheim -- it shouldn't surprise (m)any that his assist totals were down last season.  Adding Souray, Allen, and Winnik to the roster isn't a guarantee for top-gear offense as one may believe.  Ryan certainly has the pedigree to make this list, but I agree with TSN's decision to keep him off of it this season. 

Can we go back to the days when Henrik Sedin was clearly seen as the better Sedin? In 2010-11, he was ranked sixth while Daniel was No. 18. Last year, the two were ranked sequentially, and it happened again this year.

No, you idiot.  Henrik was ranked higher heading into the '10-'11 season due to Daniel's injury the previous season.  Daniel finished ten points ahead of Henrik in '10-'11, while Henrik finished 14 points ahead of Daniel last season.  A sequential ranking seems appropriate right now, although they appear to be missing their less attractive, more productive triplet in these rankings... AGAIN.

There’s probably an alternate universe in which Erik Karlsson is a more complete, accomplished and consistent player than Zdeno Chara. We imagine it’s always raining Skittles and cars drive people there, too.

There (potentially) is!  It's called 2023!  Of course Chara is the more established and well-rounded defenseman of the two, and it's silly of Wysh to even give the impression that the alternative is possible (or that anyone outside of Ottawa or my basement thinks this is possible) at this point.  Zdeno is 35 this year, which means he will regress this season.  Or, it means that he'll put up 50 points in 48 games while throwing 100+ hits.  OR, it means that he's retiring tomorrow and becoming fully invested in his nude modeling passion.  We don't know!  That's the fun part!

What we do know, however, is that Karlsson had quite a breakout last season, worthy enough to surpass Chara for the Norris Trophy.  Is it THAT much of a stretch to think that Karlsson may be able to step his game up this season?  Perhaps, but the potential is there for him to do so, where it's more likely for Chara to maintain his current output or to begin trending downward.  Regardless, they're listed sequentially within the top 15, and Wysh wouldn't have said a damn thing if their positions were swapped on this list.  It's not as if TSN posted this as, "Erik Karlsson: NUMBA ONE GO CANADA FUK YEH! Zdeno Chara: DED LAST LOL U SUKK!"  Just unbunch those loins, man.

The Phoenix Coyotes do not exist, and if they do, then Shane Doan and Keith Yandle Mike Smith and Oliver Ekman-Larsson are all products of Dave Tippett’s system and not part of the top 50.

The Coyotes do, in fact, exist, but the rest of that statement is pretty accurate.  As good of players as these four may or may not be, Dave Tippett's defensive strategy is well-executed and has provided efficient results throughout his coaching history.  In fact, between the six years he coached in Dallas and the three he has spent in Phoenix, his teams have only finished below 7th in Goals Against Average twice.  Offensive declines from Doan and Yandle probably factored into their lesser rankings, as well.  Mike Smith's fantastic numbers could have earned him a spot on this list, but you just can't fit that many players into such a tight spot (unless you're from Brazzers or RedTube).

All due respect to the run Dustin Brown had on the Kings’ most productive offensive line, but where the [expletive] is David Backes on this list?

Uh... he's clearly not on this list.  Glad I was here to clarify that for you.

Sorry Dan Girardi, but being the best defensive defenseman in hockey isn’t good enough. NEEDZ MOAR POINTZ.

Just as being the best fighter in the league isn't good enough for Alex Semin.  TSN, I know you don't usually incorporate defensive defensemen into your yearly top 50, but It Would Be Cooler If You Did.  I'd probably place Ryan McDonagh higher up than Girardi, anyway (but not above Scott Gomez).

So we can reward Jordan Staal’s potential as a player who emerged from the Sid/Geno shadow and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins' potential as a sophomore player, but Gabe Landeskog has, what, hit his ceiling?

No, but Gabe is surrounded by players who underperformed last season and despite Colorado's offseason acquisition of Parenteau, they are still flying very low under the radar.  The Oilers are laden with prized prospects and top draft picks while Carolina has added two significant top six forwards to an already competitive squad.  Forgive them (and 80% of the other teams in the league) for keeping the spotlight off of Denver.

Finally, please put Loui Eriksson on these lists. Every time you don’t, the Underrated Monster grows stronger and more ravenous …

Actually, he'll probably just put up around 16 goals and 26 assists, which is about the same per-game pace he has kept over the past three seasons.  He would replace Mike Richards on my list, while I'd replace Duncan Keith with either Patrick Sharp or Mike Smith, but it's all trivial at this point. 

The point is: FOUR DAYS! HOCKEY'S BACK!