Moves Like Malkin, part 4?

I don't think I saw Cikiradi in the league's realignment plans for next season. It's a shame, really, since Edler won't be able to rack up those easy points against 'em.

Moves Like Malkin, part 3.

What?!
The George Parros Honda Civic NGV Trivia question?
I didn't stick around for the answer, but I think I can make an assumption based on the sponsor...

Moves Like Malkin, part 2.

Eric Stall with a beauty!!!!!

Moves Like Malkin

Way to go Evgeny!!!!!

This is our post for 2011.

Hi.

During today's Rangers/Senators game, the commentators were talking about how lucky the Rangers have been to be .500 considering how bad their offense has been. They noted how rare it is for a team to be in that position when they're 29th in the league offensively. There are two problems with that.

First of all, they're not .500. They're 3-3-2. That's .375. If a team went ".500" throughout the year they'd finish with 82 points and miss the playoffs. Minnesota went 4 games over ".500" last year and finished 12th in the western conference.

Second, it's not a terrible thing for a team to be bad offensively. Some teams are built to focus on defense. I compiled a list of teams who have struggled offensively the past few years and finished with a ".500" record.

Season, Team, Goals/Gm, Rank, Record, Made Playoffs?

2009-10, Boston, 2.39, 30th, 39-30-13, Yes
2009-10, Calgary, 2.45, 29th, 40-32-10, No
2008-09, NY Rangers, 2.44, 28th, 43-30-9, Yes
2007-08, Anaheim, 2.40, 28th, 47-27-8, Yes
2007-08, New Jersey, 2.42, 27th, 46-29-7, Yes
2007-08, NY Rangers, 2.50, 25th, 42-27-13, Yes
2007-08, Boston, 2.51, 24th, 41-29-12, Yes
2006-07, New Jersey, 2.51, 27th, 49-24-9, Yes
2005-06, Calgary, 2.63, 27th, 46-25-11, Yes

You'll notice some repeat offenders on this list(Calgary, New Jersey, Boston, NEW YORK RANGERS). This is clearly an indication that a defensively minded team can succeed in the league.

Cheer up, the Rangers will be fine.

Just to make it clear that we ha... ah, fuck it.

September in October. Wins are dumb, Phil Kessel, Darren Helm... you get the picture.

Just to make it clear that we haven't forgotten about our little blog...

This is our post for August. Yes, it was indeed posted during September.

Just to make it clear that we haven't forgotten about our little blog...

This is our post for July. Yes, it was indeed posted during September.

Senior: Tim Baines should target mental institution

Are you ready, sweetie? It's been a little while; I'm not sure how good I'll be at this. I just hope that you enjoy it, and that you won't be disappointed if I finish earlier than you'd hope. Either way, I'll feel a lot better afterward, so regardless if this satisfies you or not, here I go! Fuck yeah, bro!

Tim Baines is one of a group of writers for the Ottawa Sun that I just cannot stand. During what I'd consider one of the more intriguing weeks of summer for the NHL, Baines and his Caribbean Jerk colleagues find a way to irritate me year after year with articles that just don't make sense. Based on the title of this one, I'm in for more of the same. Great.

Before Bryan Murray decides to go on a Canada Day spending spree, he’d better pull out a shortlist of recent Senators free-agent signings and wash down a couple of Tylenols with water.

Alex Kovalev. Sergei Gonchar.

Let's not forget about a slew of other fantastic moves that have put the Senators on the cusp of greatness; resigning Kuba for three years in 2009, trading Antoine Vermette for Pascal Leclaire, giving Chris Neil anything more than $13.33 per season, and, more recently, giving Chris Phillips a three year deal with a NO TRADE CLAUSE(!!^?!#^?).

But yes, these deals aren't the greatest. I'm glad that Baines actually made a solid introduction. Does he keep the knowledge flowing? More, at eleven.

Ouch! Painful to Eugene Melnyk’s wallet. And painful to Senators’ fans, who may have to take the patient approach rather than putting a Band-aid on a team that likely needs a couple of years to recharge and rebuild.

Shit, rebuild!? I had no idea! Trading away top nine forwards for draft picks, hope of winning the draft lottery, or the countless articles that feature the Senators rebuild gave me no indication that Ottawa wasn't a Band-aid away from being a cup contender right now.

There certainly doesn’t appear to be a quick free-agent fix. Mediocrity will be made into millionaires as some NHL owners seek a missing piece of the puzzle and others look to get to the $48-million salary-cap basement level come July 1.

Well, hey, any team looking to reach the cap floor could always pick up Filip Kuba or Sergei Gonchar!... no one? Fuck.

The Senators have $20 million or so to spare under the $64-million cap, but Melnyk won’t be looking to give a big chunk of that out to a guy like Brad Richards, who some team will give $50-55 million or so for seven or eight years.

I'd like Brad Richards in a Senators uniform, but this is another valid point. With plenty of prospects to develop and a new contract due for Erik Karlsson after next season, it makes more sense to have the cap space available. Not awful so far, Baines.

Nor are the Senators likely to crack the piggybank for a stud defenceman like Kevin Bieksa or a proven veteran goalie like Dwayne Roloson.

I get my Ts and Ps mixed up all of the time. Bieksa is the latest example of players that score a couple of goals in the playoffs and earn a big, unnecessary raise from it. Serviceable at best, he is, but stud, he is not.

And isn't Dwayne Roloson dead or something? He played really well for Tampa this year, but they also executed that effective, yet DREADFULLY BORING defensive system during the playoffs. I expect Phoenix to sign him, only to be disappointed that he can only start 25 games since the season schedule interferes with Bingo nights and new episodes of Curb Appeal. Regardless, after locking up Craig Gander(at ice girls)son for four years, I'm sure the Senators won't be tempted. Alex Bauld might not be a bad option to bring back for the backup role, though.

While the Senators need scoring support everywhere, there is a guy available,

Brad Richards? Simon Gagne? Chris Drury (LOL)? TOMAS FLEISCHMANN?

a former Ottawa 67’s star, who would provide a big boost.

Logan Couture? Bryan Bickell? Andrew Cassels? The 67's NHL alumni pool isn't too deep, unless I'm missing someone awesome.

Zenon Konopka.

Where did I put my shotgun?

The guy can fight. He can hit. He can win faceoffs. He’s a leader. He’s a good guy on and off the ice.

The guy can fight. He can fight. He can win fights. He's a fighter. He's a fighter on and off the ice.

I don't get it. How does Konopka fill a need on the Senators roster? We already have two idiots in Chris Neil and Terry Carkner (WAKKA WAKKA), and we saw how unnecessary it was to have three idiots on the roster when Francis Lessard saw ice time (and blood) for a few games late last season. The only reason I notice at this point is because he's familiar with the Ottawa area. What a boost!

He’d be a third- or fourth-line centre here. It seems like a no-brainer, assuming the price is right.

Behind Spezza, we have Peter Regin, Zack Smith, Jesse Winchester, and potentially this year's 6th overall pick, Mika Zibanineleven (insert lawsuit here). The Senators will have about four skaters jockeying for the third and fourth line center jobs, since none of them appear capable of running the second line just yet (or ever). It seems like a no-brainer that Ottawa shouldn't pursue Konopka, but attempt to bring in a second line center, even if just for this season. If this team is as serious about the rebuild as one could imagine, they could plug the second line with one (or more) of the aforementioned skaters. On second thought, putting Konopka on the second line would all but insure that Ottawa won't finish above 29th next season, giving the Sens a chance at some phenom named Nail. Sign him now!

Long-ago Senator Brooks Laich (dealt away for Peter Bondra) would be a good fit. But if he's fetching four or five years at $3.5 million per season, it's too pricey.

Since this article was posted, Laich resigned for six years at $4.5 million per season. Baines must have cooked a goose over that deal. It is a tad pricey, but he's a reliable two-way player that can center the second line, chip in 20 goals and manage the PK. Perhaps we could trade Bondra for him and Washington's first rounder next season.

Does Ottawa take a chance on injury-prone Tim Connolly? Or maybe a once-good Simon Gagne? Or inconsistent Michael Ryder? Maybe Ville Leino or Tomas Kopecky?

No. Probably not. No. That would be cool, and no. Why does everyone think that Kopecky is so talented? Anyway, it's obvious that this year's UFA selection is limited. It's always fun to see a favourite team sign a big name player (Kovalev notwithstanding), but this isn't the year for Ottawa to do that. With players like Tuomo Ruutu, Patrick Sharp, Ales Hemsky, Dustin Penner, Chris Kunitz, Mikhail Grabovski, and Alex Semin as UFAs-to-be in 2012, that might be a better opportunity to make a big signing. In other words, shut up, Tim Baines.

I love the deal for Nikita Filatov, one of those unfulfilled potential guys, who could fit into a top-six forward spot. Don't expect much from the Senators on July 1. Just sit back and watch other NHL teams get stupid. It's good entertainment anyway.

Grammatically awkward and unrelated to the point of the article. Time for more mockery.

Stupid would be signing Zenon Konopka, one of those fulfilled punching guys, who could fit into the ECHL or JAIL. I'm definitely not expecting much from the Senators on July 1, but I'm sure they'll make a couple of signings. Either way, I'll just sit back and watch Tim Baines get stupid. It's a good reason to keep me on this website, anyway.

Sorry, sweet cheeks. I'll be better next time. I still love you, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you mean I write for a blog?

Alex Ovechriguez.

Not never contrived.

I know this article is old, but I’m a really super busy doing all kinds of other things that are too countless to name. Plus a month later, it’s still ridiculous.

Enter any comment thread on a Washington Capitals playoff loss, and the barbs are frequent: "Ovech-Choke" … "Well, we know what the 'C' stands for" … and the rest of it.

Oh! I know! It stands for “Captain”, I think. Or maybe Capitals or “CHKIN.”

There are three “Cs” on his jersey. You gotta be more specific, man.

They're not necessarily fair to Alex Ovechkin as a playoff performer, given his 47 points in 35 games and 24 goals — four of them coming in this postseason.

Correct. End of article. Have a nice summer everyone!

But it's also not fair to let Ovechkin off the hook simply because he's been more competent than many of his under-producing teammates in the playoffs — Alex Semin in 2010, Nicklas Backstrom in 2011 — because Alex Ovechkin needs to be something more than that.

Why? Why is that not fair? What more do you want from the guy? 24 playoff goals in 35 games. Should he play goal? Maybe ref a few periods? Juggle line combos? Rip tickets at the door? WHY IS THAT UNFAIR?

He needs to be the guy who ties the game and then wins it. He needs to be the guy who gets the goal that captures momentum at a critical moment in a game, or in a series, for his team.

No one has been, is ever, or will ever be that guy. No one. No one skates down and just scores. If they could, they’d do it every time. I defy you to tell me who this player is in the NHLs history. And why does it have to be Great 8? Other players are also on the team. Just because he's the captain? Makes sense now. You know why the Islanders didn't make it to the Conference Finals? Doug Weight didn't tie and win every game with a breath-taking goal.

It used to be that Ovechkin wasn’t using his teammates enough. Remember those halcyon days? Now, he’s not automatic enough or something.

He needs to be the guy who said "we're going there, and we're going to win two games" after Game 2 (no matter what the official transcript indicated he said) and backs it up by leading his team to a pair of victories.

For the record, in Games 3 AND 4 Ovechkin gave Washington a 3-2 lead. They blew them of course. Ovech-loss.

The question for Alex Ovechkin, his fans and the Capitals as they face back-to-back games at the Tampa Bay Lightning: Is he that guy?

No. See above.

In Game 3 on Tuesday night against the Tampa Bay Lightning, with the Capitals down 2-0 to the Bolts and facing back-to-back games, Ovechkin's team faces

Facing the face of the faceless face off. Faces of facing faces face facing faces.

what John Keeley of On Frozen Blog feels is nothing short of a referendum on the franchise — and its captain:

This hockey club has the requisite skill and experience to rise to the challenge.

But will they be lucky enough!? That is all that stands in their way, right?

What we don't yet know is if it has adequate leadership. It's a point that's been debated with some robustness for more than a year now: Did the Caps get it right in stitching the 'C' to Ovi's sweater?

No. Unless they started wearing Phoenix thirds, they got it left.

Failure this week in Tampa will bring fresh and heated scrutiny to that question. 2010-11 has not been a year to remember for our captain; its premature conclusion would intensify the evidence against his leadership. And the late-season arrival of Jason Arnott only adds fuel to that fire.

What does Jason Arnott have to do with Ovech-disappointment’s ‘lack of leadership’? If anything, Jason Arnott, a former captain and Stanley Cup winner, should be partially held RESPONSIBLE for Washington’s ouster. 3 assists, no goals against Tampa. NICE JOB OVECH-NOTJASONARNOTT.

This is a postseason tailor-made for Ovi to ascend, but to date, we don't have that breakthrough performance suggestive that he's ready to seize that moment and lead his club. Tonight is one such opportunity.

Please, explain to me why this year was tailor-made for Ovechkin over any other. He had a down year. His centerman was awful in the post-season and had the lowest point total of his career. Their star defenseman played half the season because he was counting ducks in a circle all year. Sounds to me like the odds were stacked against him as an individual in a team sport.

Japers' Rink echoes the sentiments, adding that the Capitals are in danger of being "your father's Capitals" with another playoff disappointment.

I see. They want Ovech-Neverinventedshitever to invent a time machine, go back to the 1987 and score in the Easter Epic. That somehow makes more sense to me than “He’s not a leader and needs to score 9 goals in a 9-8 game 7 win.”

No one expects No. 8 to post an Ovechtrick in Game 3

You sure?

… although his first three-point night since Game 4 against Montreal last postseason would be welcome.

The team changed styles. It’s not about 3 point nights any more. In 9 2011 playoff games, he had at least a point in 7 of them, including 3 2-point games. I don’t even like the guy that much. Why am I doing this?

Where he needs to lead, where he needs to be a difference-maker, is on one five-man unit: The Capitals' terrible, momentum sapping power play.

I know this is going to sound crazy. Maybe teams are focusing on shutting down Washington’s power play? Tampa was 8th this year in PK%. Washington was 15th in PP%. Yes, these are regular season numbers. I refuse to look at the playoff numbers. Using 6 or 7 games to come to conclusions about a team’s ability makes you really dumb.

It's 0 for 11 in this series, and it's 3 for 27 in the playoffs, killing them as softly as it did vs. Jaroslav Halak last year.

You’re really dumb.

The Capitals are 2-2 in one-goal games, and lost Game 1 of this series with an empty-netter being scored. The margin for error is so slim, yet the power play has erred with frequency.

The margin for error is always slim. They are not the Washington Generals. Close, but no. And, also how about that? 2-2 record in what is essentially a primo luck stat. Huh.

Ovechkin has assists on all three Capitals goals in this postseason, but hasn't scored one.

Unbelievable.

In his last 19 playoff games, Ovechkin has one goal and six assists on the man advantage … which can also be read as one power-play goal in his last 19 playoff games.

Fish? Meet barrel.

You can talk all you want about intangibles as a captain, but there's something significant about the kind of kinetic kick-in-the-ass an Ovechkin goal provides his team. It's better than any barking broken English speech he could shout in the locker room between periods.

I want to talk none I want about intangibles as a captain.

Which is to say they need one Tuesday night. A goal that gives them a lead. A moment. Something from their captain, at an important juncture of the game, that brings focus to the task at hand rather than concern about the next bad line change or fluky goal that'll crush their spirit.

You mean like a big power play goal to give them the lead? Something like that?


As Keeley said, it's been a challenging year for Ovechkin. No love for the Hart Trophy. An 18-goal decrease from last season. Injuries that have nagged him and kept the cortisone flowing.

Ovech-hurt. Plus, remember like 2 minutes ago when you said, AND I QUOTE, "This is a postseason tailor-made for Ovi to ascend." Which is it? A challenge? A cakewalk? A walk in the cake?

There's always going to be a section of Ovechkin's fan base, in and out of Washington, that'll say it's not about him — it's about a supporting cast that doesn't step up in the postseason.

I like the undertone that these people are complete idiots. "There's always going to be a section of historians that'll say the Holocaust was not a hoax."

In a seven-game series, based on the history of the player and his team, that's accurate.

Cool. Great article.

In a Game 3, facing a dire second-round predicament against a Tampa team not giving them an inch, it's an excuse. The next 48 hours are Ovechkin's time. There's no other way to measure it.

Measure what? Ovech-time? The next 48 hours? Are you saying there is no other way to judge his 'playoff legacy' than what his team does in TWO games?! He's 25 years old. He MIGHT get another shot at it if he gets traded at the deadline next year.

The thing that bugs me the most is that Washington gets it. GMGM said there is no such thing as a playoff coach, just good coach or bad coach. He got ripped for it, but Goddamn he’s so right. McPhee even added that they’ll keep the roster largely the same and give a try again next year because that is really all you can do. Look for part 2 soon. (Really)

Hi

Happy 31st of May.

Well, there is still technically a chance...

Here's the scenario:

Caps/Rangers, game five. Washington leads three games to one in their best of seven series. There are 31 seconds left in the 3rd period and the Rangers trail 3-1. Pierre McGuire has this to say, paraphrased:

Whether or not the Rangers lose this series you guys, I think the future looks so bright...they're doing it the right way.

Whether or not, huh?

Oddly Specific

Comparing player statistics can be fun. If it's not fun, then it sure is a decent way to pass the time. While on a long drive to the Gay Shitpee Ford dealership in Saginaw, I came across this statistic in the Senators-Lightning game summary:

Lightning forward Martin St. Louis is the only player in the league to register at least 85 points and 55 blocked shots this season.

It would be something if he had some competition in this situation. Only the Willards and Stamkoast have more points than St. Louis, and 14 more forwards have more blocked shots, with the most relevant player in comparison being Ryan Kesler (64 points, 71 blocks). Stop grouping these statistics together! Actually, let me give it a try, instead.

Coyotes forward Radim Vrbata is the only player in the league to register exactly 10 power play goals and 35 hits.

Penguins forward Matt Cooke is the only player in the league to register 6 short handed points and 5 whatever-nine-times-murder-would-bes.

Red Wings defenseman Jonathan Ericsson is the only player in the league to wear the number 52, so clearly that makes him the best player to wear the number 52 this year, right?

Bar forward Wally Krzemien is the only player in the league to

register a .25 BAC while posting 204 Facebook statuses in one game.

Red Wings foward Johan Franzen is the only player in the league that has been kicked in the mouth by Oiler thoroughbred Taylor Horse.

Blades of Steel forward Dave Willard is the only player at Monroe Skateway to register 37 post shots, 15 awkward falls, and 66 forfeited passes to Andrew Kupski.

Light Beer accessory Skinny Jean is the only clothing item to be kind of in... right now. HEAAAAAAAH!

Wild forward Martin Havlat is the only player in the league to register 21 garbage goals and to give Sven boners on a daily basis.

I'm getting carried away.

But during first intermission, his shot percentage is only 0%.

During the Lightning/Senators game tonight, play-by-play announcer Dean Brown proved his ability to tackle complex problem-solving scenarios with this bit:

Steven Stamkos is 12th in the league in shots, with 232 coming into this game. The irony is, and this is probably why he is the leading goal scorer in the league, of the top 12 guys in the league, guess who has the highest shooting percentage? And it's Steven Stamkos.

First of all, there's no irony in that statement. None. Look up the definition of the word irony. Why is that word so hard for people to understand? Second of all, no fucking shit. You've grouped him with 11 other people who have taken more shots than him. He has more goals than anybody else in the league. More goals, fewer shots.

Check it out. I'll make a list of my own. Below is a list of players and their shot/goal totals thus far:

Barret Jackman: 61 shots, 0 goals.
Anton Volchenkov: 58 shots, 0 goals.
Liam Reddox: 53 shots, 0 goals.
Filip Kuba: 52 shots, 0 goals.
Marc Methot: 43 shots, 0 goals.
Steven Stamkos: 232 shots, 42 goals.
Colin White: 42 shots, 0 goals.
Bruno Gervais: 39 shots, 0 goals.
Kyle Quincey: 39 shots, 0 goals.
Aaron Rome: 39 shots, 0 goals.

Ironically, out of this list of players, Stamkos has the highest shooting percentage. Go figure.

Quickie, part 2.

Ok. Five minutes later in the same Colorado/Calgary game they showed a graphic for the current leaders in consecutive 20+ goal seasons, a list topped by Jarome Iginla and Milan Hejduk. Here's what Peter McNab had to say, slightly paraphrased:

"Very different personalities, you can't be more outgoing than Jarome Iginla, or more just that quiet, classic gentleman that Milan Hejduk is but that's one of the beauties of hockey. There's no one type of player that is going to succeed in this game."

That's one of the beauties of hockey? That two people with different personalities can both be successful at what they do? This concept is specific to goal scorers in hockey leagues, and nothing else? Is that what you're telling me?

Yikes.

Quickie.

I was watching the Colorado feed of the Flames/Avalanche game tonight, and Iginla had just scored his second goal of the game, putting the Flames ahead 8-1. The announcer, who I think was Mike Haynes, had this to say about the situation:

"If they can stay healthy, keep playing like this...they'll be in the hunt for a playoff spot."

Oh really Mikey? All they have to do is keep scoring 8 goals per game? And they'll be "in the hunt" for a playoff spot? How about this...even if they lose half of their team to injury and they don't score a goal for 13 consecutive games, they'll still be "in the hunt" for a playoff spot. Why? Because every team is in the hunt for a playoff spot. That's kind of the whole point of the regular season, to make the playoffs. So until you clinch a playoff spot, you're still "in the hunt" for one. But yeah, I'd say if they keep scoring 8 goals per game(the final was actually 9-1), their chances of making the playoffs are pretty good. Thanks a lot for unleashing such a bold prediction.

Idiots, and the people who listen to them

It only took four days for the new TV contract between the NHL and Lifetime to spark the drama that this season had lacked for so long. Not only does Nick Kypreos hit the nail on the head, but he's an idiot, a moron, and outspoken and I hate him and he's a guy and he did not hit the nail on the head, shut up. This is garbage.


Oh, right.


Hi.


Happy February.


Back to business. Yay!

Nick Kypreos is a Stanley Cup champion and Hockeycentral analyst

For the record, I believe that the requirements to have your name etched on the Stanley Cup (at least during the 90s) called for at least forty regular season games played or one Cup-Final game played. Kypreos played fifty-six games that season, tallying an unheard of three goals and eight points between the Whalers and Rangers. He also suited up for game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals in '94, as well as two other playoff games that year. It can be inferred that New York reached the summit of greatness that year only as a result of the electric, graceful, no-shots-on-goal-with-zeroes-across-the-board effort from Kypreos in that game seven. Credit well deserved. Now I see why Alfredsson, Iginla, Richards, Havlat, and Ryan Smyth haven't reached that level. Just sit back, do nothing, and you're a winner. Thanks, Nick!

Sorry for getting carried away. The show must go on.

The interest in this year's NHL all-star weekend was for all the wrong reasons. Drafts are supposed to be about who is picked first -- not last, yet that was the focus Friday night in the televised proceedings ahead of Sunday's game. I give the league and the players credit for trying something different, but not at the expense of someone's pride and reputation.

"Welcome to the 2011 NHL Fantasy-fuck-everyone-else-and-let's-make-fun-of-who-gets-picked-last-Draft, provided by Versus! I'm Mike Emrick, and I hate Phil Kessel! For the next hour, as well as the next three days, we will be providing exclusive and unprecedented coverage of Mr. Irrelevant, Phil Kessel! To follow the theme of this new All-Star Game format, we won't just focus on how terrible Phil Kessel is as a hockey player and how awful his team has been this season, but we will also address how terrible MLSE management has been, how unprofessional it is that Phil Kessel isn't wearing a tie, how stupid his hair looks, how feminine he is after losing that testicle, how he--like every girlfriend (boyfriend) he's ever had--never finishes (OHHH BURNZ!), and how appropriately girly his new Honda will be! I hate Phil Kessel!"

Make no mistake about it, Phil Kessel and the Toronto Maple Leafs organization took a very big one for the league Friday night. I really felt for Kessel and the rest of the guys who sat there in the final few chairs, squirming to avoid being last. The $20,000 charity donation is always a great thing, but giving him a car is like giving a prize for most honest score at a golf scramble event.

Based on his contract, Phil Kessel earns $14,794.52 a day, everyday (offseason included), until June 30, 2014. I make just over half of that in an entire year. AN ENTIRE YEAR. To think that sitting in a chair for an extended period of time is too much to bear for a guy with that sort of income is just ridiculous. Income aside, it was anticipated that he would be picked last before the damn thing even started! Every Leaf fan this side of Venus is making their claim of which players they would have looked over in order to select Kessel. Short list includes Paul Stastny, Loui Eriksson, David Backes, Matt Duchene, Patrick Elias, Anze Kopitar, Corey Perry, Martin Havlat, Erik Karlsson, Brent Burns, Claude Giroux, Keith Yandle, Kris Letang, Brad Richards, Jeff Skinner, Dan Boyle, Jonathan Toews, Patrick Sharp, Dustin Byfuglien, Marc Staal, Danny Briere, Rick Nash, Zdeno Chara, Shea Weber, Henrik and Daniel Sedin, Duncan Keith, Steven Stamkos, and Alex Ovechkin.

It is obvious that this new format was invented with the sole intent of embarrassing Phil Kessel and the Toronto Maple Leafs. And to be honest, I'm sure he was quite humbled at winning a car/charity donation for being selected last. Almost $15,000 in daily salary would keep me from getting upset, alone. Throw in a donation toward "the battle" against testicular cancer and a car, and I'm sure he was quite pleased with his weekend. He can confirm this for me:

"I get to go out there and play, just go out there and play the game," Kessel said. "Honestly, (being picked last) doesn't matter. ... We're just happy to be here. It means you're doing pretty well, I guess."

Such is the case. I would assume that this is a better situation for the Maple Leafs rather than having no representative at all. If the Toronto Maple Leafs are that concerned with their presence in the All-Star Weekend, give Nazem Kadri a call up in December; he'd have a strong chance of cracking the rookie squad. There were a few players that deserved the last spot over Kessel (Backstrom, Mike Richards, Mike Ribeiro... ouch, Teemu Selanne, Mikko Koivu, and perhaps a couple others). It's my belief that most of those players would not get picked last in that situation, though. So what does this tell me? Phil Kessel is not an All-Star.

Back to the original article, unfortunately.

I don't think any player should have to go through that again. The label of "last player picked" is now something he will have to carry through his career. And when it comes to Kessel and the continuing debate about the trade that brought him to Toronto, the Leafs' organization needed that like a hole in the head. As if the Leafs' year wasn't bad enough, add this cherry on top of the sundae.

Hahaha, his whole career~!? Amazing. This isn't an amputated leg, diabetes, or herpes. He was the last selection of the 2011 National Hockey League All-Star Game. Such a distinction can only fuck you over for the rest of your life. Perhaps the Kessel trade wasn't the best move that Burke has made, but it definitely isn't the worst. Kessel goes from playing alonside Marc Savard and Milan Lucic 2008-09, to being lined up with either Tyler Bozak and Nikolai Kulemin or Matt Stajan and Alexei Ponikarovsky in 2009-10. Now he's most frequently lined up with Tyler Bozak and JOEY CRABB. I'm sorry if he isn't putting up the numbers you expect from a guy with his salary. That he even has 19 goals and 34 points this season is an accomplishment in itself. Bring in a true number one center, and the 70-point range is a strong possibility. From there, it would be possible that he and the aforementioned number one center are selected for the 2012 All-Star Game, and both are unlikely to be selected last. Problem solved. If the title of "Mr. Irrelevant" in the 2011 All-Star Game is too much for the organization, the pundits, and the fans to bear, then take the proper steps in order to avoid that situation the following season. The Maple Leafs all but set themselves up for this scenario.

I know some say no big deal, and to that I say you're right if the last player was Jeff Skinner from the Carolina Hurricanes or Paul Stastny from the Colorado Avalanche, but because it was a Leaf I say you're wrong.

Selecting Skinner for the All-Star Game may have been a bit of a reach, but playing this well as an eighteen year-old should not be looked over. Also, with Eric Staal as a team captain, and Raleigh playing the role of host to this year's festivities, Skinner was a lock to be an earlier selection. Unless Cam Ward is actually the best goalie in the league this year...

And, to be frank, Paul Stastny is a better hockey player than Phil Kessel. I'll go as far as to say that Stastny is one of the more underrated players in the league at this point, and a complete player in my eyes. I'm sorry that the better player was picked in this situation.

Toronto's market can ill afford to take any more hits. Leaf fans already know where they stand on the scale of respectability, and a Leaf being picked last is another shot at a once-storied franchise. Watching Alex Ovechkin taking a cell phone picture as Patrick Kane announced "with the last pick," you start to wonder how many around the league quietly enjoyed Kessel's humiliation.

While I can't be 100% certain in this regard, but if Kessel is picked before Stastny, I bet Ovechkin still whips out his Blackberry camera with the same childish delight. Phil Kessel isn't the fat kid in overalls getting kicked at recess, nor is he Smalls in the beginning of The Sandlot. He was simply the least-successful player of this year's All-Star bunch. Technically, this makes him the 36th best skater in the NHL this season. In a league with over 900 players, that's quite the accomplishment. Any respectability that Toronto possesses will not be lost as a result of the events that took place last weekend. It's how the Toronto players, staff, and media respond to these events that could and likely will have negative results. Keep on keepin' on, Nick!

All may not be lost though. If the league's motivation was for guys to actually push harder during the game, no one will have more to prove than No. 81 from the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Zero points and three shots in over fifteen minutes of ice time. Keith Yandle was the only other player not to register a point for Team Lidstrom. Atta boy, Phil!

Nick Kypreos, all you did was make this situation worse by providing your grudge-holding, teenage-minded opinion on this matter to the open world. Save it for your diary next time.

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Happy New Year.