Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Senior: Tim Baines should target mental institution

Are you ready, sweetie? It's been a little while; I'm not sure how good I'll be at this. I just hope that you enjoy it, and that you won't be disappointed if I finish earlier than you'd hope. Either way, I'll feel a lot better afterward, so regardless if this satisfies you or not, here I go! Fuck yeah, bro!

Tim Baines is one of a group of writers for the Ottawa Sun that I just cannot stand. During what I'd consider one of the more intriguing weeks of summer for the NHL, Baines and his Caribbean Jerk colleagues find a way to irritate me year after year with articles that just don't make sense. Based on the title of this one, I'm in for more of the same. Great.

Before Bryan Murray decides to go on a Canada Day spending spree, he’d better pull out a shortlist of recent Senators free-agent signings and wash down a couple of Tylenols with water.

Alex Kovalev. Sergei Gonchar.

Let's not forget about a slew of other fantastic moves that have put the Senators on the cusp of greatness; resigning Kuba for three years in 2009, trading Antoine Vermette for Pascal Leclaire, giving Chris Neil anything more than $13.33 per season, and, more recently, giving Chris Phillips a three year deal with a NO TRADE CLAUSE(!!^?!#^?).

But yes, these deals aren't the greatest. I'm glad that Baines actually made a solid introduction. Does he keep the knowledge flowing? More, at eleven.

Ouch! Painful to Eugene Melnyk’s wallet. And painful to Senators’ fans, who may have to take the patient approach rather than putting a Band-aid on a team that likely needs a couple of years to recharge and rebuild.

Shit, rebuild!? I had no idea! Trading away top nine forwards for draft picks, hope of winning the draft lottery, or the countless articles that feature the Senators rebuild gave me no indication that Ottawa wasn't a Band-aid away from being a cup contender right now.

There certainly doesn’t appear to be a quick free-agent fix. Mediocrity will be made into millionaires as some NHL owners seek a missing piece of the puzzle and others look to get to the $48-million salary-cap basement level come July 1.

Well, hey, any team looking to reach the cap floor could always pick up Filip Kuba or Sergei Gonchar!... no one? Fuck.

The Senators have $20 million or so to spare under the $64-million cap, but Melnyk won’t be looking to give a big chunk of that out to a guy like Brad Richards, who some team will give $50-55 million or so for seven or eight years.

I'd like Brad Richards in a Senators uniform, but this is another valid point. With plenty of prospects to develop and a new contract due for Erik Karlsson after next season, it makes more sense to have the cap space available. Not awful so far, Baines.

Nor are the Senators likely to crack the piggybank for a stud defenceman like Kevin Bieksa or a proven veteran goalie like Dwayne Roloson.

I get my Ts and Ps mixed up all of the time. Bieksa is the latest example of players that score a couple of goals in the playoffs and earn a big, unnecessary raise from it. Serviceable at best, he is, but stud, he is not.

And isn't Dwayne Roloson dead or something? He played really well for Tampa this year, but they also executed that effective, yet DREADFULLY BORING defensive system during the playoffs. I expect Phoenix to sign him, only to be disappointed that he can only start 25 games since the season schedule interferes with Bingo nights and new episodes of Curb Appeal. Regardless, after locking up Craig Gander(at ice girls)son for four years, I'm sure the Senators won't be tempted. Alex Bauld might not be a bad option to bring back for the backup role, though.

While the Senators need scoring support everywhere, there is a guy available,

Brad Richards? Simon Gagne? Chris Drury (LOL)? TOMAS FLEISCHMANN?

a former Ottawa 67’s star, who would provide a big boost.

Logan Couture? Bryan Bickell? Andrew Cassels? The 67's NHL alumni pool isn't too deep, unless I'm missing someone awesome.

Zenon Konopka.

Where did I put my shotgun?

The guy can fight. He can hit. He can win faceoffs. He’s a leader. He’s a good guy on and off the ice.

The guy can fight. He can fight. He can win fights. He's a fighter. He's a fighter on and off the ice.

I don't get it. How does Konopka fill a need on the Senators roster? We already have two idiots in Chris Neil and Terry Carkner (WAKKA WAKKA), and we saw how unnecessary it was to have three idiots on the roster when Francis Lessard saw ice time (and blood) for a few games late last season. The only reason I notice at this point is because he's familiar with the Ottawa area. What a boost!

He’d be a third- or fourth-line centre here. It seems like a no-brainer, assuming the price is right.

Behind Spezza, we have Peter Regin, Zack Smith, Jesse Winchester, and potentially this year's 6th overall pick, Mika Zibanineleven (insert lawsuit here). The Senators will have about four skaters jockeying for the third and fourth line center jobs, since none of them appear capable of running the second line just yet (or ever). It seems like a no-brainer that Ottawa shouldn't pursue Konopka, but attempt to bring in a second line center, even if just for this season. If this team is as serious about the rebuild as one could imagine, they could plug the second line with one (or more) of the aforementioned skaters. On second thought, putting Konopka on the second line would all but insure that Ottawa won't finish above 29th next season, giving the Sens a chance at some phenom named Nail. Sign him now!

Long-ago Senator Brooks Laich (dealt away for Peter Bondra) would be a good fit. But if he's fetching four or five years at $3.5 million per season, it's too pricey.

Since this article was posted, Laich resigned for six years at $4.5 million per season. Baines must have cooked a goose over that deal. It is a tad pricey, but he's a reliable two-way player that can center the second line, chip in 20 goals and manage the PK. Perhaps we could trade Bondra for him and Washington's first rounder next season.

Does Ottawa take a chance on injury-prone Tim Connolly? Or maybe a once-good Simon Gagne? Or inconsistent Michael Ryder? Maybe Ville Leino or Tomas Kopecky?

No. Probably not. No. That would be cool, and no. Why does everyone think that Kopecky is so talented? Anyway, it's obvious that this year's UFA selection is limited. It's always fun to see a favourite team sign a big name player (Kovalev notwithstanding), but this isn't the year for Ottawa to do that. With players like Tuomo Ruutu, Patrick Sharp, Ales Hemsky, Dustin Penner, Chris Kunitz, Mikhail Grabovski, and Alex Semin as UFAs-to-be in 2012, that might be a better opportunity to make a big signing. In other words, shut up, Tim Baines.

I love the deal for Nikita Filatov, one of those unfulfilled potential guys, who could fit into a top-six forward spot. Don't expect much from the Senators on July 1. Just sit back and watch other NHL teams get stupid. It's good entertainment anyway.

Grammatically awkward and unrelated to the point of the article. Time for more mockery.

Stupid would be signing Zenon Konopka, one of those fulfilled punching guys, who could fit into the ECHL or JAIL. I'm definitely not expecting much from the Senators on July 1, but I'm sure they'll make a couple of signings. Either way, I'll just sit back and watch Tim Baines get stupid. It's a good reason to keep me on this website, anyway.

Sorry, sweet cheeks. I'll be better next time. I still love you, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1 comment:

  1. It's a good time to reflect back to this article and remind myself how much I hate being a Senators fan.