Here's the Feastern half of my incredibly accurate, absolutely plausible 53/82nds season predictions.
WASHINGTON Currently 1st Will finish2nd and 4th
Officials become confused after seeing Washington play Pittsburgh for the 16th time on NBC or Vs. and start placing Washington in the Atlantic division. After realizing 8 eastern teams don't deserve to make the playoffs, Washington is awarded the Atlantic division and the 4 seed for placing 2nd in their own division (SEE: ATLANTA). Also, Nicklas Backstrom looks like a woman.
NEW JERSEY Currently 2nd Will finish11th
Martin Brodeur is the greatest goaltender of all time. His career in no way reflects the style or strength of teams past. It was all him. New Jersey will lose the rest of their games 0 to (-1) because Brodeur has never let in a goal in his NHL career he is the best of all time he's a winner he is the all time winner of all time forever.
BUFFALO! Currently 3rd Will finishSABRES!
Thanks to a BUFFALO! Hall-of-Fame 2nd half BUFFALO! from leading SABRES! scorer LaFountain and best-defenseman-BUFFALO!-in-league efforts SABRES! from Craig "The Frog" Rivit, SABRES! BUFFALO! BUFFALO! SABRES! SABRES!......SABRES!
PITTSBURGH Currently 4th Will finish10th
Incredibly loud 5 am sirens from nearby Monroeville will make Sidney Crosby's face retarded after the game. Malkin is a suckasaurus. I hope Guerin's face explodes. Now under the pressure of being a big-time-mega-awesome-playoff goaltender SABRES! Marc-Andre Fleury will fold and suck for once, twice, three times a lady.
OTTAWA Currently (some-fucking-how) 5th Will finish 14th
With a roster chock full of perennial all-star talent such as Jonathan Cheechoo, Chris Neil, Chris Kelly, Ryan Shannon, Chris Campoli, Mike Fisher, Terry Carkner, Shean Donovan, Nick Foligno, Filip Kuba, Peter Regin, and Anton Volchenkov the hockey world will be turned upside down as Ottawa somehow tumbles to the 14 seed. Despite M.SABRES!Brodeur, the best all-time goalie, Ottawa's descent will shock and surprise the hockey world. The media will blame Ray Emery.
PHILDELPHIA Currently 6th Will finish9th
Philadelphia will have a great run going up until the last week of the season, when their gentlemanly play costs them a few wins. After Dan "Frolick Through the Tulips" Carcillo and Ian "Save the Whales" Laperriere are humming a sonnet during a team timeout, they miss Peter "It's pronounced Kovalchook" Laviolette's play call, leading to a key goal in a tough loss. When Arron Asham, Chris Pronger, and Riley Cote hold hands and play ring-around-the-goal-mouth during an opposing power play, (the penalty of course was on Scott Hartnell for delay of game when he tried to free a hockey puck back into the wild) it leads to a crushing OT loss to the Rangers on the last play of the season.
FLORIDA Currently 7th Will finish 7th
During a game in April against SABRES! Boston, with a potential playoff spot on the line, defenseman Keith Ballard gets really pissed off and and starts helicoptering down the middle of the ice. As Bruins clear the way, Cory Stillman tosses a beautiful saucer pass to the front of the net that Ballard chops in for a goal. Bruins goaltender Tim Thomas gets surprisingly angered that he let in a goal and starts grabbing things and breaking them over his knee including (but not limited to): his goal stick, the goal posts, the blue line, David Booth's brains, SABRES!, and Tuukka Rask.
ATLANTA Currently 8th Will finish 1st
When I wake up tomorrow morning, Ilya Kovalchuk will've signed a multi-year deal to stay in Atlanta. Rich Peverley will continue to be amazing and Maxim Afinogenov will hang out with me and play some tennis. Bored with how much better they are than everyone else, Enstrom will start trying back hand one timers from the point on power plays and Todd White will start blindfolding himself during the shootout, just to make it a challenge.
NY RANGERS Currently 9th Will finish 12th
With Lundqvist, Gaborik and Avery posing for mens magazines, it's up to young Chad Deuxneuf to lead the team to the playoffs. His post-save celebrations will lead to several league-sanctioned fines, unsportsmanlike conducts, and delay-of-game penalties causing many short-handed situations. John Tortorella will take up swimming due to his budding business and his love of water.
MONTREAL Currently 10th Will finish 13th
Ending the 100th year anniversary of Lecavalier-to-Montreal trade rumo(u)rs, the Habs finally land him in a trade in exchange for the Russian Mob and a few scandalous party photos. With these potential distractions out of the way, it would appear clear that the door is wide open for a trip back to the post season. However, as the Habs climb into the 8th spot with a month left, fans riot in celebration of another potential trip to the postseason; something incredibly rare in Montreal's long, losing history. The riots eventually end when the Centre Bell is set on fire and implodes before the season is over.
BOSTON Currently 11th Will finish 8th
Despite the path of destruction left by Tim Thomas in an April 1st game against Florida, the team makes good ol' Irish boy and regularly sized person Zden O'Chara stand in front of the net and act as a goalie. As the season ends, the team is the 9 seed, however Satan threatens to make all the SABRES! teams from the US (or its affiliated territories such as but not limited to Puerto Rico.) move to Canada. The power of Satan compels him, and Bettman grants Boston the 8 seed.
TAMPA BAY Currently 12th Will finish 6th
With perennial #1 fantasy pick Alex Tanguay, this team can do no SABRES! wrong. The properly named Mike Goalie (he plays goalie) will be strong enough down the stretch against the absolutely stiffest competition in the league (Southeast Division). And of course, Ohlund is english for Ohlund, but Mattias is english for 0 goals this year.
NY ISLANDERS Currently 13th Will finish 15th
Upon reading the newest issue of USA Today, affluent gambler (he's great at Roulette) David Williard thinks he has won a small wager with cross-casino rival (breeds and trains electronic horses) Rjntk Rjnsky when he sees the Islanders in the 15 seed, surely that must be last in the conference, mus'n't?
CAROLINA Currently 14th Will finish 5th
Despite being in the world's toughest division, the great team that is Carolina will find a way into the playoffs again. With such a star-studded roster, it's a wonder this team ever misses. The White Sox of the NHL only miss due to piss-poor luck and terrible calls from referees. This year they might just go all the way. They've always got the talent.
TORONTO Currently 15th Will finish: not Phil Kessel
Phil Kessel always turned in his math homework incompleted. Phil Kessel can never tell you how the movie ends. Phil Kessel has never had an orgasm. Phil Kessel, when invited over for Thanksgiving dinner, unbuckled his belt, leaned back and released a long sigh with a plate half full of food. When asked which country do you wish you were from, Phil replied, "Not Finland." Phil has 11 songs half written and half recorded. The Leaves will only play 81 games this season, voiding their season and making them the SABRES! 16 seed. PAY UP, BITCH.