Here's a 53/82nds-of-the-way prediction for the other 29/82nds of the season. Previously, I had *promised* to do a halfway (p)review but instead am doing one now. Remember *promised* is english for 53/82nds-of-the-way.
MESTERN CON4ENCE:
SAN JOSE: Currently 1st - Will Finish 9th.
Joe Thornton, after eating his weight in squat, will purposely start to throw games. He'll use the Olympics and a lack of linemate scoring power (Xspecially compared to previous seasons) as the crutch to lean on. This way no one can say he isn't clutch in the post season. Nabokov will be in on the fix as Drew Remenda will throw on a Nabokov jersey and stand in the crease. The on-ice product will remain the same and Sharks fans who regularly tune in to home TV broadcasts will wonder why they suddenly stop hemorrahging useful hockey information.
CHICAGO: Currently 2nd - Will Finish CHICAGO A-7th CHICAGO b-8th
After trading future draft picks for Ilya Kovalchuk, Marty Turco, Dion Phaneuf, Scott Gomez, Chris Drury, Ted Drury, Daniel Cleary, Danny Cleary, Dan Cleary, Dany Cleary, and Danielle Steel, the Blackhawks become 40 million dollars over the salary cap and are forced to split into two teams, splitting the points earned thus far and placed in the Norris Division. Of course, each team will still be good enough to make the playoffs.
VANCOUVER Currently 3rd - Will Finish 2nd
With the glowing support of the Federation for the Americas Icehockey Referees (FAIR) and the constant replaying of events from 3-7 years ago by CBC leads to the belief that the Canucks enter the playoffs on a hot streak thanks to running highlight reels of goals by Markus Naslund and Harold Druken. Cleverly, the Canucks stop actually showing up for their games and are rested for the playoffs.
COLORADO Currently 4th - Will Finish 4th
Mega stud and excellent fantasy-league-with-hits-and-blocked-shots-as-a-stat-draft-selection Kyle Quincey carries the team on his broad shoulders and into the post season again. Speaking of broads, Craig Anderson stares and the ice girls and so do I.
PHOENIX Currently 5th - Will Finish in Puerto Rico
Soon after the Olympic break, Dave Tippet will peel back a mask to reveal himself as Wayne Gretzky. Immediately, the team will start sucking like it always does. Eventually, the team will move to Puerto Rico, the site of the 2011 Winter Classic, and play a handfull of games in the Yukon.
LOS ANGELES Currently 6th - Will Finish 11th
Despite the strong start, Ryan Smyth's river of tears in anticipation that the team might actually make a Cup run, will melt the Staples Center ice. Upset that they never play an actual "home" game against another LA team, the Clippers will take on the Kings and win 3-2 in a shootout, mathematically eliminating the Kings from the post-season.
NASHVILLE Currently 7th - Will Finish.
There is no doubt that Nashville will finish the season, as they will play 82 games this season.
CALGARY Currently 8th - Will Finish 6th
Thanks to the newly implemented 3-minorities-and-you-make-the-playoffs-rule, Iginla (black), Dawes (black), and Regehr (moron), the Flames are granted the division title. However, Kiprusoff starts spelling his name MiiKKKa Kkkiprusoff in protest. Despite MiiKKKa's typical .754 SV% and 9.32 GAA down the stretch, the Flames are compromised the 6 seed.
DETROIT Currently 9th - Will Finish 15th
Detroit will jump into the 8th seed in mid-February. Up a goal on Phoenix/Puerto Rico with 19:59 left in the first, fans will get up to leave the building and buy their playoff tickets. The cattle-like mob will stampede the locker room and injure every one from Abdelkader to Zombo. With Daniel Larsson in net and Larry "I think January 26th might be dollar hot dog day but I'm not sure" Murphy appointed team captain, the team will slip to 15th. Fans will show up to Game 1 surprised to see Sesame Street on Ice.
DALLAS Currently 10th - Will Finish 3rd
Behind the impeccable play of one Martin D.T. (Del Taco) Turco, the Stars will ride his 16 game shut-out streak to a division title. The team will trade Alex AUULLLDDD to the NHL 06 Willard-Rinna Blackhawks for Martin St. Pierre and future considerations (career 3rd liner Patty "hahaha, he actually just scored!" Sharp).
MINNESOTA Currently 11th - Will Finish 14th
Realizing that no matter how shitty the team is, fans are still going to show up they trade all their high priced talent to the KHL for tax-free magic beans. When they plant the magic beans, they realize that these beans grow magical hockey players that a good at everything. Unfortunately, they don't take into account an August morning frost advisory that kills the budding fauna.
ANAHEIM Currently 12th - Will Finish 10th
Despite the strong play of leading scorer Adam Banks and the strong leadership of captain Charley Conway and coach Gordon Sheen, I mean Esteves, I mean Bombay, the team will make a late season push for the post season, but fall just a bit shy. In the off-season, team owner stops over at Good Burger (home of the Good Burger) and lands the top notch talent this team needs to beat a roller blade team or the Brunei National Team, or something.
SAINT LOUIS Currently 13th - Will Finish 14th
Davis "House of" Payne is going to coach this team into the ground. The fans will again change their cheers from "Let's Go Blues!" to "Let's Not Lose!" Unfortunately, the jumbotron graphics controller will input "Let's Not Loose!" Everyone will keep their pants on. No one will have a good time.
COLUMBUS Currently 14th - Will Finish 1st
Luckily, I am someone who knows someone who knows someone. And fellow reader, so are you. Senior TIS writer Dacque (not to be confused with Senior TIS writer Senior) is best friends with Blue Jackets coach Ken Hitchcock. Hitchie-baby (as he likes to call him) calls and texts Dacque weekly. He's got the inside scoop on what will be a monumental turn around. He could explain it better than I ever could, so we'll let him whenever he gets around to it.
EDMONTON Currently few care. - Will Finish 5th
Khabibulin is going to make a huge comeback, while he's still on IR. How, say you? He's going to put masonry bricks in the net and spray paint an Oilers logo in the middle, no one will notice the difference since he has looked and played like a brick wall since 1867. Eventually, the Oilers will start winning in the 56th round of the shootout on goals by Liam "Bears a striking resemblance to Garth Murray" Reddox.
LA CLIPPERS Currently in the NBA - Will Finish 16th
With 2 points earned in a shootout win over the LA Kings, the Clippers will finish in last place. And as always, the worst team in the city.
Tune in very soon for the BEASTERN Con(Andrew)Ference.
Have you heard about Brian "Bears a striking resemblance to Tanner Glass" Lee?
ReplyDeletehttp://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/players/profile?playerId=3746
Yeah, Kenny and I go way back. See, those of us who know him as well I do call him Kenny. You wouldn't understand the meaning behind that nickname. I'm not even going to try and explain it.
ReplyDeleteHitchie-baby was a joke we had going a while back for a few weeks, but his real nickname is "Kenny." That's how he knows if he's getting a call from his friends or if it's a telemarketer, because he doesn't have caller ID yet. Anyone who calls and asks for "Ken" is obviously a telemarketer. What a great screening process. He's a genius.
Gordon Estevan, you mean? Maybe that's why he tried to acquire Trent Whitfield in the Giguere trade.
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