Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Since there isn't an all-star game this year...

I've decided to create my own teams. Or rather who I'd select.

-EAST-
Forwards:
Alexander Ovechkin - WSH
-League's best player. Not even slightly, remotely, close to being close.
Nicklas Backstrom - WSH
-Best female hockey player on the planet. 50 points in early January.
Zach Parise - NJD
-Numbers are WAY DOWN as predicted since Lemaire is back behind the boggy bench. Proof this guy is a chump.
Ilya Kovalchuk - ATL
-I think Ilya is abbreviated for I Love You. I'm CUCKOO FOR KOVALCHUK.
Mike Cammalleri - MTL
-Remember when you sucker punched Marty in the face in the playoffs?
Marian Gaborik - NYR
-Blew a hammy and missed the whole season like everyone predicted.
Mike Richards - PHI
-Haha Mike "the shitty Richards" Richards.
Sidney Crosby - PIT
-6th best player on his own team.
Evgeni Malkin - PIT
-Looks like an ogre. Talks like an ogre.
Steven Stamkos - TBL
-Rookie bust. Should retire and sell insurance.
Martin St. Louis - TBL
-Best player under 4 feet tall ever.
Daniel Alfredsson - OTT
Threw several Senator names in a hat. Pulled one out.

Defence:
Mike Green - WSH
-Whoops. Wrong position.
Zdeno Chara - BOS
-He's tall.
Bryan McCabe - FLA
-Became first pilon to captain a team, (sorry Rich.)
Chris Pronger - PHI
-Lady Byng candidate.
Tomas Kaberle - TOR
-Might draft him as my Fantasy Football QB next year. Also, I've never made the playoffs.
Mark Streit - NYI
-Going to take Switzerland to Gold this year. Gold, Pennsylvania!!! ha!

Goaltenders:
Ryan Miller - BUF
-Fluent in Japanese.
Martin Brodeur - NJD
-He's a winner.
Cam Ward - CAR
-You pick someone from Carolina.

First alternates:
Alexander Semin - WSH
-Plays more defense than some defensemen on his team.
Maxim Afinogenov - ATL
-WOW.
Ray Whitney - CAR
-I picked someone from Carolina.
Sergei Gonchar - PIT
-Best player on his team.
Tyler Myers - BUF
-Rookies are yucky.
Tomas Vokoun - FLA
Another Veznia winning season. How many is he up to now? 3 or 4?


WEST
Forwards:
Jarome Iginla - CAL
-Affirmative action.
Patrick Kane - CHI
-Bet .20 cents I wouldn't make a taxi cab joke....shit.
Paul Stastny - COL
- From the balls of a hall of famer
Rick Nash - CBJ
-So many all stars to choose from in Columbus.
Brad Richards - DAL
-Several Brad Richard got together and put forth a strong season.
Pavel Datsyuk - DET
-It's about marcelgocing time Detroit sucked a little. Now betting my Gretzky rookie on another Wings cup ::sadface::
Dustin Penner -EDM
-The lone bright spot for the Oilers. Could reach 40 goal mark. Could eat 40 goal mark.
Joe Thornton - SJS
-Fell apart after Cheechoo left.
Dany Heatley - SJS
-Once got in a car wreck.
Patrick Marleau - SJS
-On pace for another 90 point season.
Henrik Sedin - VAN
-Used osmosis to gain strength when Daniel broke a foot and healed in Michigan area.
Corey Perry - ANA
-Is an asshole.

Defence:
Duncan Keith - CHI
-Badunkadunk is vibrating his currency provider this season.
Drew Doughty - LAK
-Ego is getting to him.
Shea Weber - NSH
-First name rhymes with GRAY.
Dan Boyle - SJS
-At least two guys in Atlanta still think he sucks.
Erik Johnson - STL
-The Blues should be in the AHL.
Marek Zidlicky - MIN
-The Wild should be in the NHL. And they are.

Goaltenders:
Ilya Bryzgalov - PHX
-Bought property in Saskatoon, Las Vegas, Hamilton, Kansas City, San Diego, Seattle, or maybe Winnipeg.
Miikka Kiprusoff - CAL
-Like the adage goes, there're 2 I's in Miikka. Another Vezina-worthy season for the future Hall of Famer.
Roberto Luongo - VAN
-Greasy dago.

First alternates:
Anze Kopitar - LAK
-Double tint visor makes it difficult to see.
Mikko Koivu - MIN
-Does not have cancer.
Ryan Getzlaf - ANA
-Mixes paint well.
Stephane Robidas - DAL
I have nothing clever or interesting to say about Stephane Robidas.
Brian Campbell - CHI
-Mmmm. Mmmm. Bad Contract.
Craig Anderson - COL
-Likes staring at girls.

There you go. Justified everyone've 'em.

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