March 3rd is quickly approaching. As of last week, we were all likely disappointed at the amount of trades that had graced the headlines of our favorite websites (Hint: the same exact number as Sven Tremendousson's body fat percentage, give or take a few Swiss Rolls and bacon strips here and there). Over two days, though, there have been three significant trades that have turned the Calgary Flames into an entirely new club, Toronto into a three-horse town with no Oates, and the Rangers into a club that I can only dislike more and more with each passing day (my opinion of the Ducks remains untouched and unconcerned).
This leads me to wonder: what kind of deals can we expect within the next month? Who else will become (c)sellers? Who will be available? Will Sidney Crosby pass his record of 437 front-page headlines in regards to his latest tretiary assist? I'm not a doctor; I cannot inaccurately predict these type of things and expect you to pay up once they don't happen. Oh wait, yes I can! Why don't you step into my office and get your change jar ready, my good sir...
So, you want a trade-deadline consultation? You look worried, but fear not! I have all of the answers for you right here on www.TSN.ca/nhl/future (link currently disabled for maintenance, but it works. Trust me, I'm a doctor), which supplies us with a video of the upcoming 2010 trade deadline! Interested? Let's take a look...
Buffering... 3%... 9%... 24%... 82%... 58%... 6%... 74%... 45%... 96%... 3%... completed.
"Welcome folks to TSN's 2010 edition of Tradecentre! I'm Darren Dreger, here via live feed with special guest, also via live feed from Dildo, Newfoundland, HNIC color-commentator, P.J. Stock! As we approach the (insert an exaggerated time here--we can't forget about our teams in Puuwai and Mystery!) deadline, let's take a look back at the significant deals that have taken place through this afternoon. P.J.! Put down your Fruity Pebbles and do some reporting!"
"Mhphh!... sorry about that, Darren! They usually don't ask for me to report on the real stories until they're knee deep in Hennessy and the cameras are turned off! We have some great de-..... to repor... and we'll... a blockbus... ... ..."
"Sorry about that, Stocky! There's too much interference with your feed, it seems. Oh well, he might get his chance next year, folks. Now let's get to those deals!
"The first deal this morning was between the Dallas Stars and PC Performance of the Midwest and it addresses needs of both clubs in dramatic ways. The Stars give up centre Mike Ribeiro and future considerations for the services of finallyfast.com. In finallyfast.com, the Stars Finally! address the Finally! need for Fast! speed through their Finally! roster. The Stars used to be Finally! fast, but now they're only kind of fast. We can Finally! expect Brenden Morrow to Fast! make it through the neutral zone at least once per Finally! shift and Brad Richards Fast! will Finally! finally be able to think quickly enough to Finally! request a trade to a Fast! real Cup contendre. Finally! PC Performance of the Midwest acquires a sly and pesky pest of pests, the perfect Fast! replacement for their Finally! current commercial voice should any THROAT CONTUSIONS occur in the Fast! workplace. This should Fast! give the Stars some Fast! hope to regain their playoff composure as well as Finally! allowing PC Performance to Fast! challenge the Clippers for 16th in the Fast! West. Great trade, all-around! Finally! Finally Fast! Finallyfast.com!
"The next deal came shortly after the Finally! Stars-PC trade and this one really turned some heads. A blockbuster deal involving 29 players saw Tampa Bay give of the services of Martin St. Louis, Steven Stamkos, Ryan Malone, Alex Tanguay, Steve Downie, Kurtis Foster, Jeff Halpern, Victor Hedman, Mattias Ohlund, Andrej Meszaros, Nate Thompson, James Wright, Jeff Wright, Stephane Veilleux, Brandon Bochenski, David Hale, Zenon Konopka, Todd Fedoruk, Paul Szczechura, Poulet Szechuan, Paul Ranger, Ford Ranger, Matt Walker, Mike Lundin, Matt Smaby, Ryan Craig, Radek Smolenak and Blair Jones in exchange for Glen Metropolit and Montreal's 2039 5th round pick. It's obvious to see that Tampa Bay walks away from this deal as the winner, as Montreal tried their hardest to pry Vincent Lecavalier away from this club. Montreal was not willing to agree to Tampa's request of including Travis Moen and Patrice Brisebois into the return package, thus Vinny was not moved. Immediately after this trade, Bob Gainey was seen digging another number '4' into his forearm with a straight blade razor, and Jean Beliveau made the sweet trip to heaven once he heard about Gainey's actions, passing away with a smile from ear-to-Thunder Bay. Great deal for the Tampa Bay Lightning!
"The third deal we're going to highlight saw Wade Redden and Michal Rozsival head to New Jersey in exchange for Pauly D and The Situation. No one likes the Rangers, the Devils or Jersey Shore. Get over it; this trade sucks, folks.
"One team that made cannonball-quality splashes in the trade pool today was the Ottawa Senators. Not only did the Senators acquire eight players through multiple trades, they chose to sign multiple free agents that would be included in deals as trade bait. Brian Murraythhhhh is being widely criticized for his actions, seen by many as sacrificing the integrity of player contracts and general interests, but we'll see what results of these deals through the next couple of months. The deals include:
1. Ottawa trades D Filip Kuba to Carolina for D Joe Corvo.
2. Ottawa trades RW Alexei Kovalev to Detroit for RW Patrick Eaves.
3. Ottawa trades RW Shean Donovan to Edmonton for C Mike Comrie and 34-C Hilary Duff.
4. Ottawa signs Oleg Saprykin to a 1-year, $550,000 deal. Immediately after, they trade Saprykin to New Jersey for Dean McAmmond.
5. Ottawa trades Matt Carkner to Colorado?... right? for the rights to Discount Preissing.
6. Ottawa trades Chris Campoli to New Jersey for newfound Guido, Wade Redden.
7. Ottawa trades a Fathead of Vincent Lecavalier to Montreal for Andrej Meszaros.
"These deals all appear very strange from an anal-yst's perspective. We were able to contact Brian Murray via Skype from within his self-patented 'Penner-Perry-Getzlaf proof' bunker, located conspicuously behind the golden Mike Commodore statuary in the far corner of his Scotiabank Place office."
--"How can you criticithe uth for thethe (these) dealth? The 2000-and-theven playoffth are quickly approaching and we've added a thpectacular group of playerth, thome great men and woman that will puthh uth to Cup contendre thtatuth (status). We were pertheived ath that talented of a club in 2000-and-thix yet we came up thhort. Thith ith the higher level, the netht thtep (next step), and we're ready to puthh for the 2000-and-theven Thtanley Cup. Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... (Shhhh...)"
"Despite detailed reasoning from Finally! Brian Murray, we feel that all of these trades are steps in the wrong direction for what has been a consistant Senators team through this point of the season. They're going to drop to 14th place in the East, undoubtedly.
"And with those trades happening at (x-hour):59:59 PM, we have moved past the trade deadline and there are likely no more deals to repor--... hold on, folks! Stocky's feed is coming back in and he appears to be very anxious to tell us something! What'cha got for us, Stocky?"
"Darren! You're not going to believe this latest deal! Costco has offered the services of Family-Sized Kellogg's Honey Smacks cereal box to me, P.J. Stock, in exchange for $8.98. Within this deal, Kellogg's also included a conditional coupon that could be good for one to THREE boxes of Family-Sized Honey Smacks at $6.00 a piece in 2011! I definitely feel that I made out as the winner in this deal, as I can keep my bowl filled all the way through October for only half of my yearly salary! Let's break this trade down further, Darren. As a buyer in this year's market, I wa--... the best retur--... Cocoa Pebble--... ... ..."
"Aw, shoot, folks. We lost P.J. again. While I'm sure everyone is interested in our latest deadline deal, we're all out of time here at TSN. Thank you for tuning into TSN's 2010 tradecentre and be sure to log on to www.tsn.ca/nhl for all of the details, reviews and opinions on these trades as well as poorly constructed videos of fantasy news by our own bobblehead, Scott Cullen. Have a good night, folks! Fast! Finally! Finallyfast.ca!"
One inaccurate trade-deadline consultation: $8,500,000 a year for the next seven years. Would you like to pay cash or credit, Mr. Kovalchuk?...
For ROFLCOPTERs and LOLERCAUSTs I went to finallyfast.ca. It exists. Finally.
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