Sunday, January 31, 2010

Better even later than ever later than that.

Here's the Feastern half of my incredibly accurate, absolutely plausible 53/82nds season predictions.

WASHINGTON Currently 1st Will finish2nd and 4th

Officials become confused after seeing Washington play Pittsburgh for the 16th time on NBC or Vs. and start placing Washington in the Atlantic division. After realizing 8 eastern teams don't deserve to make the playoffs, Washington is awarded the Atlantic division and the 4 seed for placing 2nd in their own division (SEE: ATLANTA). Also, Nicklas Backstrom looks like a woman.

NEW JERSEY Currently 2nd Will finish11th

Martin Brodeur is the greatest goaltender of all time. His career in no way reflects the style or strength of teams past. It was all him. New Jersey will lose the rest of their games 0 to (-1) because Brodeur has never let in a goal in his NHL career he is the best of all time he's a winner he is the all time winner of all time forever.

BUFFALO! Currently 3rd Will finishSABRES!

Thanks to a BUFFALO! Hall-of-Fame 2nd half BUFFALO! from leading SABRES! scorer LaFountain and best-defenseman-BUFFALO!-in-league efforts SABRES! from Craig "The Frog" Rivit, SABRES! BUFFALO! BUFFALO! SABRES! SABRES!......SABRES!


PITTSBURGH Currently 4th Will finish10th

Incredibly loud 5 am sirens from nearby Monroeville will make Sidney Crosby's face retarded after the game. Malkin is a suckasaurus. I hope Guerin's face explodes. Now under the pressure of being a big-time-mega-awesome-playoff goaltender SABRES! Marc-Andre Fleury will fold and suck for once, twice, three times a lady.

OTTAWA Currently (some-fucking-how) 5th Will finish 14th

With a roster chock full of perennial all-star talent such as Jonathan Cheechoo, Chris Neil, Chris Kelly, Ryan Shannon, Chris Campoli, Mike Fisher, Terry Carkner, Shean Donovan, Nick Foligno, Filip Kuba, Peter Regin, and Anton Volchenkov the hockey world will be turned upside down as Ottawa somehow tumbles to the 14 seed. Despite M.SABRES!Brodeur, the best all-time goalie, Ottawa's descent will shock and surprise the hockey world. The media will blame Ray Emery.

PHILDELPHIA Currently 6th Will finish9th
Philadelphia will have a great run going up until the last week of the season, when their gentlemanly play costs them a few wins. After Dan "Frolick Through the Tulips" Carcillo and Ian "Save the Whales" Laperriere are humming a sonnet during a team timeout, they miss Peter "It's pronounced Kovalchook" Laviolette's play call, leading to a key goal in a tough loss. When Arron Asham, Chris Pronger, and Riley Cote hold hands and play ring-around-the-goal-mouth during an opposing power play, (the penalty of course was on Scott Hartnell for delay of game when he tried to free a hockey puck back into the wild) it leads to a crushing OT loss to the Rangers on the last play of the season.

FLORIDA Currently 7th Will finish 7th

During a game in April against SABRES! Boston, with a potential playoff spot on the line, defenseman Keith Ballard gets really pissed off and and starts helicoptering down the middle of the ice. As Bruins clear the way, Cory Stillman tosses a beautiful saucer pass to the front of the net that Ballard chops in for a goal. Bruins goaltender Tim Thomas gets surprisingly angered that he let in a goal and starts grabbing things and breaking them over his knee including (but not limited to): his goal stick, the goal posts, the blue line, David Booth's brains, SABRES!, and Tuukka Rask.

ATLANTA Currently 8th Will finish 1st

When I wake up tomorrow morning, Ilya Kovalchuk will've signed a multi-year deal to stay in Atlanta. Rich Peverley will continue to be amazing and Maxim Afinogenov will hang out with me and play some tennis. Bored with how much better they are than everyone else, Enstrom will start trying back hand one timers from the point on power plays and Todd White will start blindfolding himself during the shootout, just to make it a challenge.

NY RANGERS Currently 9th Will finish 12th

With Lundqvist, Gaborik and Avery posing for mens magazines, it's up to young Chad Deuxneuf to lead the team to the playoffs. His post-save celebrations will lead to several league-sanctioned fines, unsportsmanlike conducts, and delay-of-game penalties causing many short-handed situations. John Tortorella will take up swimming due to his budding business and his love of water.

MONTREAL Currently 10th Will finish 13th

Ending the 100th year anniversary of Lecavalier-to-Montreal trade rumo(u)rs, the Habs finally land him in a trade in exchange for the Russian Mob and a few scandalous party photos. With these potential distractions out of the way, it would appear clear that the door is wide open for a trip back to the post season. However, as the Habs climb into the 8th spot with a month left, fans riot in celebration of another potential trip to the postseason; something incredibly rare in Montreal's long, losing history. The riots eventually end when the Centre Bell is set on fire and implodes before the season is over.

BOSTON Currently 11th Will finish 8th
Despite the path of destruction left by Tim Thomas in an April 1st game against Florida, the team makes good ol' Irish boy and regularly sized person Zden O'Chara stand in front of the net and act as a goalie. As the season ends, the team is the 9 seed, however Satan threatens to make all the SABRES! teams from the US (or its affiliated territories such as but not limited to Puerto Rico.) move to Canada. The power of Satan compels him, and Bettman grants Boston the 8 seed.

TAMPA BAY Currently 12th Will finish 6th
With perennial #1 fantasy pick Alex Tanguay, this team can do no SABRES! wrong. The properly named Mike Goalie (he plays goalie) will be strong enough down the stretch against the absolutely stiffest competition in the league (Southeast Division). And of course, Ohlund is english for Ohlund, but Mattias is english for 0 goals this year.

NY ISLANDERS Currently 13th Will finish 15th
Upon reading the newest issue of USA Today, affluent gambler (he's great at Roulette) David Williard thinks he has won a small wager with cross-casino rival (breeds and trains electronic horses) Rjntk Rjnsky when he sees the Islanders in the 15 seed, surely that must be last in the conference, mus'n't?

CAROLINA Currently 14th Will finish 5th

Despite being in the world's toughest division, the great team that is Carolina will find a way into the playoffs again. With such a star-studded roster, it's a wonder this team ever misses. The White Sox of the NHL only miss due to piss-poor luck and terrible calls from referees. This year they might just go all the way. They've always got the talent.

TORONTO Currently 15th Will finish: not Phil Kessel
Phil Kessel always turned in his math homework incompleted. Phil Kessel can never tell you how the movie ends. Phil Kessel has never had an orgasm. Phil Kessel, when invited over for Thanksgiving dinner, unbuckled his belt, leaned back and released a long sigh with a plate half full of food. When asked which country do you wish you were from, Phil replied, "Not Finland." Phil has 11 songs half written and half recorded. The Leaves will only play 81 games this season, voiding their season and making them the SABRES! 16 seed. PAY UP, BITCH.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Better late than even later.

Here's a 53/82nds-of-the-way prediction for the other 29/82nds of the season. Previously, I had *promised* to do a halfway (p)review but instead am doing one now. Remember *promised* is english for 53/82nds-of-the-way.


SAN JOSE: Currently 1st - Will Finish 9th.
Joe Thornton, after eating his weight in squat, will purposely start to throw games. He'll use the Olympics and a lack of linemate scoring power (Xspecially compared to previous seasons) as the crutch to lean on. This way no one can say he isn't clutch in the post season. Nabokov will be in on the fix as Drew Remenda will throw on a Nabokov jersey and stand in the crease. The on-ice product will remain the same and Sharks fans who regularly tune in to home TV broadcasts will wonder why they suddenly stop hemorrahging useful hockey information.

CHICAGO: Currently 2nd - Will Finish CHICAGO A-7th CHICAGO b-8th
After trading future draft picks for Ilya Kovalchuk, Marty Turco, Dion Phaneuf, Scott Gomez, Chris Drury, Ted Drury, Daniel Cleary, Danny Cleary, Dan Cleary, Dany Cleary, and Danielle Steel, the Blackhawks become 40 million dollars over the salary cap and are forced to split into two teams, splitting the points earned thus far and placed in the Norris Division. Of course, each team will still be good enough to make the playoffs.

VANCOUVER Currently 3rd - Will Finish 2nd
With the glowing support of the Federation for the Americas Icehockey Referees (FAIR) and the constant replaying of events from 3-7 years ago by CBC leads to the belief that the Canucks enter the playoffs on a hot streak thanks to running highlight reels of goals by Markus Naslund and Harold Druken. Cleverly, the Canucks stop actually showing up for their games and are rested for the playoffs.

COLORADO Currently 4th - Will Finish 4th
Mega stud and excellent fantasy-league-with-hits-and-blocked-shots-as-a-stat-draft-selection Kyle Quincey carries the team on his broad shoulders and into the post season again. Speaking of broads, Craig Anderson stares and the ice girls and so do I.

PHOENIX Currently 5th - Will Finish in Puerto Rico
Soon after the Olympic break, Dave Tippet will peel back a mask to reveal himself as Wayne Gretzky. Immediately, the team will start sucking like it always does. Eventually, the team will move to Puerto Rico, the site of the 2011 Winter Classic, and play a handfull of games in the Yukon.

LOS ANGELES Currently 6th - Will Finish 11th
Despite the strong start, Ryan Smyth's river of tears in anticipation that the team might actually make a Cup run, will melt the Staples Center ice. Upset that they never play an actual "home" game against another LA team, the Clippers will take on the Kings and win 3-2 in a shootout, mathematically eliminating the Kings from the post-season.

NASHVILLE Currently 7th - Will Finish.
There is no doubt that Nashville will finish the season, as they will play 82 games this season.

CALGARY Currently 8th - Will Finish 6th
Thanks to the newly implemented 3-minorities-and-you-make-the-playoffs-rule, Iginla (black), Dawes (black), and Regehr (moron), the Flames are granted the division title. However, Kiprusoff starts spelling his name MiiKKKa Kkkiprusoff in protest. Despite MiiKKKa's typical .754 SV% and 9.32 GAA down the stretch, the Flames are compromised the 6 seed.

DETROIT Currently 9th - Will Finish 15th
Detroit will jump into the 8th seed in mid-February. Up a goal on Phoenix/Puerto Rico with 19:59 left in the first, fans will get up to leave the building and buy their playoff tickets. The cattle-like mob will stampede the locker room and injure every one from Abdelkader to Zombo. With Daniel Larsson in net and Larry "I think January 26th might be dollar hot dog day but I'm not sure" Murphy appointed team captain, the team will slip to 15th. Fans will show up to Game 1 surprised to see Sesame Street on Ice.

DALLAS Currently 10th - Will Finish 3rd
Behind the impeccable play of one Martin D.T. (Del Taco) Turco, the Stars will ride his 16 game shut-out streak to a division title. The team will trade Alex AUULLLDDD to the NHL 06 Willard-Rinna Blackhawks for Martin St. Pierre and future considerations (career 3rd liner Patty "hahaha, he actually just scored!" Sharp).

MINNESOTA Currently 11th - Will Finish 14th
Realizing that no matter how shitty the team is, fans are still going to show up they trade all their high priced talent to the KHL for tax-free magic beans. When they plant the magic beans, they realize that these beans grow magical hockey players that a good at everything. Unfortunately, they don't take into account an August morning frost advisory that kills the budding fauna.

ANAHEIM Currently 12th - Will Finish 10th
Despite the strong play of leading scorer Adam Banks and the strong leadership of captain Charley Conway and coach Gordon Sheen, I mean Esteves, I mean Bombay, the team will make a late season push for the post season, but fall just a bit shy. In the off-season, team owner stops over at Good Burger (home of the Good Burger) and lands the top notch talent this team needs to beat a roller blade team or the Brunei National Team, or something.

SAINT LOUIS Currently 13th - Will Finish 14th
Davis "House of" Payne is going to coach this team into the ground. The fans will again change their cheers from "Let's Go Blues!" to "Let's Not Lose!" Unfortunately, the jumbotron graphics controller will input "Let's Not Loose!" Everyone will keep their pants on. No one will have a good time.

COLUMBUS Currently 14th - Will Finish 1st
Luckily, I am someone who knows someone who knows someone. And fellow reader, so are you. Senior TIS writer Dacque (not to be confused with Senior TIS writer Senior) is best friends with Blue Jackets coach Ken Hitchcock. Hitchie-baby (as he likes to call him) calls and texts Dacque weekly. He's got the inside scoop on what will be a monumental turn around. He could explain it better than I ever could, so we'll let him whenever he gets around to it.

EDMONTON Currently few care. - Will Finish 5th
Khabibulin is going to make a huge comeback, while he's still on IR. How, say you? He's going to put masonry bricks in the net and spray paint an Oilers logo in the middle, no one will notice the difference since he has looked and played like a brick wall since 1867. Eventually, the Oilers will start winning in the 56th round of the shootout on goals by Liam "Bears a striking resemblance to Garth Murray" Reddox.

LA CLIPPERS Currently in the NBA - Will Finish 16th
With 2 points earned in a shootout win over the LA Kings, the Clippers will finish in last place. And as always, the worst team in the city.

Tune in very soon for the BEASTERN Con(Andrew)Ference.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Thank you for joining us for the 2010 talent auction!

In what has become a regular occurence for us here at this point during the NHL season, trade talk is surely starting to heat up! What does that mean?... Well, we're probably going to be disappointed since 2% of these proposed trade rumo(u)rs will actually gain some steam, and then 2% of those rumo(u)rs will actually maybe possibly kind of happen in shades of gray.

The big name on the market is Mr. I.L.oathe.Y.ou.Atlanta Kovalchuk, and there have been plenty of rumo(u)rs that have him moving to every single city throughout the world before the end of the season. Trash GM Mother Waddell is going to lose big time in this situation either way unless he finds a way to trade his superstar for a similar superstar, which is not going to happen. This is usually the story with pending-UFA superstars as is, but Atlanta knows this story all too well. In what could be our fourth installment of "Better Than" is Colby Armstrong better than Marian Hossa? Millions say no, all of Southeast Michigan says yes.

The rumour that has gained that necessary early steam is a deal that has Kovalthorpe heading to the Saddledome in exchange for Phaneuf. Surely Atlanta would probably warrant a 1st round pick and a higher-level prospect as well, but this deal does not make sense for them. While this would give ATL one of the more solid defensive units, they can't put in all their goals from the point. A more realistic option for Atlanta would be to acquire Olli Jokinen and perhaps another forward such as sniper Nigel Dawes or 2nd-line center Dustin Boyd...

Okay, I'm just gonna stop there and say that Calgary and Atlanta will not be making a deal involving Kovalchuk. While both have assets that could be beneficial to either club, trading such assets away would leave big holes in important spots on the roster. Nix this deal; next bidder!

Chicago has also been rumoured to be interested in Kovy. They definitely have the assests to give up without leaving themselves vulnerable (Barker, Versteeg, Bolland, Byfuglien, Seabrook, Ben Eager!) and placing Kovalchuk in the mix with Kane, Toews, Hossa, Sharp and Keith makes Chicago one ridiculously talented club that's more than geared up for the playoffs. Sadly though, I can't seem them making this move, either. Chicago has the arsenal for a deep playoff run as they are and adding Kovalchuk would be an unnecessary, although delicious, move to make. They spent the last decade developing this cast into a premature powerhourse and adding a rental player only hinders their chances for future success. As a long-time fan of the Hawks, I really wouldn't appreciate only a couple years of great hockey from this team when they could be Cup contenders for at least the next five years and more. Nix this deal; next bidder!

Washington... wait, what? How the fuck is that possible!? They already have two ridiculous Russian left wingers, there's no need for a third one. For the sake of the team and their future, Washington better just keep dreaming. Nix this deal; next bidder!

Hmm... The Boston Bruins. I don't have an initial argument as to why they can't acquire Kovalchuk, so let's look into it. Boston's struggling without a true goal-scorer this season, and Kovalchuk and Savard have played together at TSX before, so chemistry could easily be rekindled. Boston's trade bait could include Marco Sturm, one of David Krejci or Milan Lucic, Dennis Wideman and Matt Hunwick. Add Boston's 1st round pick into what's available (as they still have a chance to win the Taylor Hall award with Toronto's pick) and they can put together an appealing package for Atlanta.

Marco Sturm, Milan Lucic, Boston's 2010 1st round pick, Tampa Bay's 2010 2nd round pick (acquired with Mark Recchi) and an autographed picture of Sergei Samsonov holding the Calder Trophy in exchange for Ilya Kovalchuk. Let's make it happen!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

"Jersey" Personalization for Dummies:

Spelling for Dummies:

Idiot. Doesn't he know it's Pat LaFountain?

Simple Number Comparison for Dummies:

"Jan 20 Connolly extended his point streak to 13 games with a goal and assist in Tuesday's 5-4 loss to Anaheim.

Recommendation: Not only has Connolly hit a career benchmark with a 13-game point streak, Tuesday night also marked 48 games on the season for the center, tying the most he's ever played in a single season. For the first time in his NHL career Connolly is healthy, allowing fantasy owners to fully appreciate his talent."

I understand he's been a bit injury prone in his career, but I'm pretty sure I see four different numbers in the 80's in the "GP" column.

PS: This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

PPS: I hate Buffalo, and I hate Tim Connolly.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Since there isn't an appealing topic to write about, I'll do a follow-up...

I've decided to create my own teams, as well. Or rather who I'd select.



Eric Fehr - WSH
Why doesn't he see more ice time? 12:00/game is 3rd-line minutes and he's just shy of putting up first line numbers. He always finds his way onto my NHL 10 fantasy draft teams so he must be the real deal.

Tomas Fleischmann - WSH
I'm sure glad that Detroit gave this guy up five years ago. Something tells me that I wouldn't appreciate him as much if he suited up in motown regularly. I'm sure Bud Lynch wouldn't appreciate having to pronounce his name every night, either.

Rich Peverley - ATL
Something tells me that even if he put up 142 goals and 239 assists this season, people still wouldn't give him enough attention.

Michael Frolik - FLA
He'll break out eventually. I'll look a little less idiotic when he does.

Steve Downie - TB
I hate Steve Downie. I put him in here to give me a reason to stop drooling over how awesome this Eastern roster is so far.

Brian Gionta - MTL
Best player under 3 feet tall ever.

Dean McAmmond - NJ
Always one of my favorite players. Quick, grows a mean blonde beard, and has become forgetful now that he's in his 60s. I'm sure this will make it easier to put him on a line with Downie.

Niclas Bergfors - NJ
Cannon of a shot. Swapped the syllables in his last name in order to avoid confusion with former all-stars.

Mark Recchi - BOS
HAHA! Just Kidding!

Mike Fisher - OTT
Will he be able to destroy Carrie Underwood's car if she cheats on him? Hopefully not, she needs a way to make it to my house on those long weekends. ;)

David Krejci - BOS
In our second installment of "Better Than", David Krejci is better than Ales Hemsky and Tomas Kablerle, among others.

Nazem Kadri - TOR
Just in case this all-star game makes it to a shootout, they'll have someone who can make Western goalies look silly.


Dennis Wideman - BOS
I think this roster needed another shootout star.

Andy Greene - NJ
Three Devils on the all-star team? Pretty crazy, I'm sure.

Marc-Andre Bergeron - MTL
He can add the Eastern All-Stars to his list of teams. Could he challenge Mike Sillinger's record of 74 NHL teams?

Keith Ballard - FLA
They need a true homerun-hitter on the point. Is it true that T-Vo already has 20% of his hearing back?!

Stephane Auger - REF
They'll appreciate this if Burrows makes the Western squad.

Brendan Witt - NYI

Once got in a car wreck without a car.


Scott Hartnell's Hair - PHI
Good luck getting through that mess.

Ttuuuukkkkaa Rraasskk - BOS
Good luck breaking through those flying milk crates.

Jonas Gustavsson - TOR
Good luck finishing the game without an irregular heartbeat.

First Alternates:

Alexander Ovechkin - WSH
You know what to do.

Brett Jones - BoS
Once slid for three minutes straight, blocking 32 shots in the process and breaking through seven layers of knee skin.



Ryan-e Clow-e - SJS

Every cast needs a slow-moving tanker. The Tomas Holmstrom of the Pacific will fit that role juuuust fine.

Saku Koivu - ANA

Did have cancer. Still has game.

Dustin Brown - LAK

His 302 hits per game would be useful in an All-Star game, right?

Nigel Dawes - CGY

Every All-Star team needs a "sniper" like Nigel Dawes, right? Such a great shot, but it comes out less often than the Culver Moon.

Dustin Boyd - CGY

Every All-Star team needs a second line center, right? That's what he is... a second line center... I'm sure.

Alex Burrows - VAN

Dumb move, kid. Did you see who's on the third pairing for the East? Go ahead, rat me out; I'll get you back in the playoffs.

Patrick Sharp - CHI

I'm going to go ahead and say he'll be the captian of this Western squad. He'll snipe in at least three Top-Sharp-Cheddar-Cheeses over Hartnell's locks. He's just that good.

Derrick Brassard - CBJ

On pace for another 90 point season... wait, nevermind.

Mike Comrie - EDM

If this opens up the opportunity for some Duff-on-Underwood-on-Senior romance, this pick is a no-brainer.

Denise Richards - E!

One of the many Richard to come together this season. She surely accumulated the most points out of any of them, based on her extremely high ratings on channel 28 at 3:00 AM.

Andy McDonald - STL

Remember when he used to be really good? Good enough to defeat the Senators in the Cup Finals all by himself? So do I... =[

Ryan Smyth - LAK

Cried in a press conference when he found out that he would be leaving the Kings to join the Western All-Stars.


Sami Salo - VAN

In our third installment of "Better Than", Sami Salo is better than Peter Schaefer.

Brent Sopel - CHI

How does Chicago win any games with this guy on their backend? I put him on this roster with the hope that Downie throws a crushing elbow/headbutt/skate blade at him to keep him out for the season. I'm sure he's a good guy, but he belongs with St. Louis in the AHL.

Jack Johnson - LAK

Does a great job defending with that guitar and those sandals.

Mark Giordano - CGY

His family sure makes a great deep-dish pie. Best in Chicago.

Brett Lebda - DET

He sure makes a great floor mat. Best in Detroit.

Traffic Cone - SJS

Oops... I actually meant to say Rob Blake.


Marty Turco - DAL

Best goalie in the league today, and ever. I'm sure Sven will agree that the West will win this game with a shut-out because of Mr. Perfect.

Marty Turco - DAL

Did I mention how awesome this guy is? Just making sure.

David Bozynski - MFYF

Almost as good as Marty Turco.

First Alternates:

Rory Fitzpatrick - FA

He gets my 100,000 online votes.

Kevin Westgarth - Professional Hockey Pl... I mean, Manchester Monarchs

Seeing things clearly means I can see that this guy is an All-Star candidate.

Jesse Hall - Team U.S.A. '94

Team U.S.A./The Mighty Ducks gave up a major offensive cog when Hall did not follow Charlie and the gang to Eden Hall. Now projected to be around 29 years old, I'm sure that Mr. Hall still has plenty of gas left in the tank and at least one All-Star appearance left in him.

There you go. Justified everone've 'em.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Since there isn't an all-star game this year...

I've decided to create my own teams. Or rather who I'd select.

Alexander Ovechkin - WSH
-League's best player. Not even slightly, remotely, close to being close.
Nicklas Backstrom - WSH
-Best female hockey player on the planet. 50 points in early January.
Zach Parise - NJD
-Numbers are WAY DOWN as predicted since Lemaire is back behind the boggy bench. Proof this guy is a chump.
Ilya Kovalchuk - ATL
-I think Ilya is abbreviated for I Love You. I'm CUCKOO FOR KOVALCHUK.
Mike Cammalleri - MTL
-Remember when you sucker punched Marty in the face in the playoffs?
Marian Gaborik - NYR
-Blew a hammy and missed the whole season like everyone predicted.
Mike Richards - PHI
-Haha Mike "the shitty Richards" Richards.
Sidney Crosby - PIT
-6th best player on his own team.
Evgeni Malkin - PIT
-Looks like an ogre. Talks like an ogre.
Steven Stamkos - TBL
-Rookie bust. Should retire and sell insurance.
Martin St. Louis - TBL
-Best player under 4 feet tall ever.
Daniel Alfredsson - OTT
Threw several Senator names in a hat. Pulled one out.

Mike Green - WSH
-Whoops. Wrong position.
Zdeno Chara - BOS
-He's tall.
Bryan McCabe - FLA
-Became first pilon to captain a team, (sorry Rich.)
Chris Pronger - PHI
-Lady Byng candidate.
Tomas Kaberle - TOR
-Might draft him as my Fantasy Football QB next year. Also, I've never made the playoffs.
Mark Streit - NYI
-Going to take Switzerland to Gold this year. Gold, Pennsylvania!!! ha!

Ryan Miller - BUF
-Fluent in Japanese.
Martin Brodeur - NJD
-He's a winner.
Cam Ward - CAR
-You pick someone from Carolina.

First alternates:
Alexander Semin - WSH
-Plays more defense than some defensemen on his team.
Maxim Afinogenov - ATL
Ray Whitney - CAR
-I picked someone from Carolina.
Sergei Gonchar - PIT
-Best player on his team.
Tyler Myers - BUF
-Rookies are yucky.
Tomas Vokoun - FLA
Another Veznia winning season. How many is he up to now? 3 or 4?

Jarome Iginla - CAL
-Affirmative action.
Patrick Kane - CHI
-Bet .20 cents I wouldn't make a taxi cab joke....shit.
Paul Stastny - COL
- From the balls of a hall of famer
Rick Nash - CBJ
-So many all stars to choose from in Columbus.
Brad Richards - DAL
-Several Brad Richard got together and put forth a strong season.
Pavel Datsyuk - DET
-It's about marcelgocing time Detroit sucked a little. Now betting my Gretzky rookie on another Wings cup ::sadface::
Dustin Penner -EDM
-The lone bright spot for the Oilers. Could reach 40 goal mark. Could eat 40 goal mark.
Joe Thornton - SJS
-Fell apart after Cheechoo left.
Dany Heatley - SJS
-Once got in a car wreck.
Patrick Marleau - SJS
-On pace for another 90 point season.
Henrik Sedin - VAN
-Used osmosis to gain strength when Daniel broke a foot and healed in Michigan area.
Corey Perry - ANA
-Is an asshole.

Duncan Keith - CHI
-Badunkadunk is vibrating his currency provider this season.
Drew Doughty - LAK
-Ego is getting to him.
Shea Weber - NSH
-First name rhymes with GRAY.
Dan Boyle - SJS
-At least two guys in Atlanta still think he sucks.
Erik Johnson - STL
-The Blues should be in the AHL.
Marek Zidlicky - MIN
-The Wild should be in the NHL. And they are.

Ilya Bryzgalov - PHX
-Bought property in Saskatoon, Las Vegas, Hamilton, Kansas City, San Diego, Seattle, or maybe Winnipeg.
Miikka Kiprusoff - CAL
-Like the adage goes, there're 2 I's in Miikka. Another Vezina-worthy season for the future Hall of Famer.
Roberto Luongo - VAN
-Greasy dago.

First alternates:
Anze Kopitar - LAK
-Double tint visor makes it difficult to see.
Mikko Koivu - MIN
-Does not have cancer.
Ryan Getzlaf - ANA
-Mixes paint well.
Stephane Robidas - DAL
I have nothing clever or interesting to say about Stephane Robidas.
Brian Campbell - CHI
-Mmmm. Mmmm. Bad Contract.
Craig Anderson - COL
-Likes staring at girls.

There you go. Justified everyone've 'em.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

It's a shame that Brian Costello hasn't won a nobel prize for literature and pure genius.

Costello is a blog-writer for who seems to draw from an old knit hat when he wants to write about something. This week, he formulated a trade scenario (which will become a rumor-turned-speculation-turned-nonsense soon enough) for the Flames and Senators to sink their teeth into as we've entered this season's "ROSTER FREEZE!~!~!~!" (Editor's Note: I started writing this article before Christmas. While the roster freeze is over, I would likely dance in my own vomit if this deal were to actually happen...~!~!~!)

Jason Spezza for Dion Phaneuf. That' s a deal I'd make if I were either the Ottawa Senators or Calgary Flames.

I'm sure that Bryan Murraythhhh and Darryl Sutter have been calling each other so frequently about the sensationl quality of this proposed scenario that they've spent the remainder of their salary cap space on contracts with Rogers and Bell mobile. Sadly, both are too arrogant to make such a deal happen right now, so we'll obviously have to plan these parades after the new year.

First a disclaimer. I don't like to make a habit of spreading or fabricating trade rumors. This is not a trade rumor picked up from a source. It's simply something that came from the recesses of my inner duo processor when examining the weaknesses on the two Canadian NHL teams.

C'mon now, man! It's time to update to an i7 processor and work with some real numbers. What are these weaknesses? The Sens really would appreciate an Elite D-man, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're crumbling without one. This season, the Sens D-men have scored 21 goals, whereas the Flames are two behind with 19 (on a roster including Phaneuf, Bouwmeester, AND Adam Pardy!?! Ridiculous...). Their weakness isn't offensive ability from the point, it's their ability to defend from beyond the point! The Flames carry a +14 goal differential thus far, whereas the Sens are -9. From a lengthy injury to A-train Volchenkov earlier this season, to the increased playing time of prospective offensive D-men Brian Lee, Erik Karlsson and Alex Picard, to Campoli spending time as a forward and a healthy scratch, and FINALLY to Grandpa Phillips switching back to his heavier, less-mobile wooden wheelchair, the Sens could use a strong DEFENSIVE DEFENSEMAN on their backend. I guess that's why the Sens passed up my boner-prospect Magnus Pääjärvi-Svensson (do you see all those accented 'a's?!) for shut-down obelisk Jared Cowen, so hopefully his addition within the next couple of years can force Filip Kuba out of the Sens' defensive picture.

Spezza, out at least another six weeks with a knee injury, has had a horrible year in Ottawa (five goals, 19 points in 30 games) without his primary triggerman Dany Heatley. Phaneuf had a terrible 2008-09 on the Calgary blueline and is hardly burning it up this season – although his defensive game has improved somewhat now that the team has cut back his ice time.

Horrible would be 1.9 goals and five points in 30 games. He has simply underperformed along with most of the roster. It's kind of sad when Chris Kelly is one of your leading scorers, but I digress. With Fisher seeing nearly equal time alongside the likes of Michalek, Alfredsson and/or Kovalev this season, Spezza's opportunities to produce are indeed lower than last season. Replacing Heatley with Michalek on the first line is a downgrade (for now) for offensive production. Add an injury into that equation and the sum of points is much closer to his 2003-2004 season totals (22G, 33A) and even that seems to be a longshot.

In Calgary, Phaneuf may not be "burning it up" (LOL) this season, but he doesn't really need to since Bouwtie has suited up for the Red C. They will both likely finish within the 40-50 point range this season (Phaneuf likely higher) and continue to give Calgary a well-balanced attack on the Powerplay and overall. If they're worried about Cap space ($12 mil+ allocated to those two), consider moving Jokinen for a playmaking center. Maybe Mike Cammalleri? [Insert JKs and ROFLz here]

The Flames need Spezza in order to get the most out of Jarome Iginla, who at 32 is in the final few productive years of his career. Iginla and Olli Jokinen haven't worked because both are goal-scorers first and playmakers second. Iginla has been spectacular for most of his 12 seasons in Calgary, even though he has never really had a premiere No. 1 playmaking center to play with. Craig Conroy and Daymond Langkow have spent the most number of games as Iginla's center, but Spezza would take Iginla's game to another level.

Well, trading Spezza would actually take Ottawa's game to another level as well. Unfortunately, that level would likely be lower than that of the Scotiabank Place mausoleum where they keep the bodies of former Senators such as Radek Bonk, Andreas Dackell and Dennis Vial. What would their top line be--Alfredsson, Michalek and FISHER?! WHY HAVEN'T THEY MADE THIS DEAL YET?! Beyond me, really. In order for this deal to make any sense, Calgary would have to move Jokinen for a replacement defenseman or some prospects. Perhaps they could trade Cory Sarich in order to find a suitable wig for Jokinen's chrome-dome, but I guess that isn't a good idea since Mr. Costello hasn't put his duo-processor-brain to work for that one. Oh well.

The Calgary defense would be just fine without Phaneuf. Jay Bouwmeester is the main man on the blueline now and the Flames have ramped up the usage of underrated Mark Giordano, especially on the first power play pairing. Robyn Regehr and Cory Sarich provide the defensive and physical element and in addition to Adam Pardy, Aaron Johnson is an under-utilized stalwart who doesn't get enough minutes as the No. 7 man. Also, the Flames have a deep list of blueline prospects on the farm with defensive Matt Pelech and offense-minded John Negrin ready for a step up.

Trading a young stud such as Phaneuf, 24, is something the Flames never would have thought about a year ago. But his stunning regression in the defensive end – not to mention his flagging offensive numbers – opens the door for that possibility now, especially with Bouwmeester on board.

17 points in 44 games makes Bouwmeester the MAIN MAN? Does that mean that Beauchemin is going to carry the Leafs through a late-season surge? 19 points in 45 games for him tells me so. If the Flames see this deal as suitable, they might carry a bar tab twice as high as the Oilers on any given dinner outing. The guy is 24. EVERY defenseman is bound to make mistakes and Phaneuf isn't pegged to be their most reliable on their back-end, anyway. That's what Robyn Regher suits up for. I can't help but think this man has some scrambled brain-eggs for conjuring up this shitty breakfast.

The Ottawa defense has been lacking an offensive quarterback since Zdeno Chara walked as a free agent in 2006 and Wade Redden's game went south shortly thereafter. Chris Phillips and Anton Volchenkov are defensive leaders, but the Senators truly yearn for a top-shelf mobile puckmover. Top 2008 draft pick Erik Karlsson might eventually fill that role, but he's still just 19.

I'll give him that one. I don't think Muckler could have made a worse move than letting Chara go, unless he decided to let Redden walk as well. The free-agent market for offensive-defenders in 2006 was rather slim with the best options being Rob Blake, Jovocop and... Filip Kuba.

The fly in the ointment is the Senators cannot afford to lose another top line forward. With Heatley and Spezza gone and Daniel Alfredsson in the final couple innings of his career, the team would move to rebuild mode. The only thing that would solve that is solid drafting and a top free agent signing. To soothe that hurdle, perhaps the Flames could throw in burgeoning No. 2 center Dustin Boyd into the trade mix, with underperforming defenseman Chris Campoli going the other way.

The salary offsets aren't bad either. Both teams are close to the salary cap, so Spezza ($7 million) and Campoli ($633,333) won't break Calgary's bank because Phaneuf makes $6.5 million and Boyd $650,000.

I change my mind; give me some of that breakfast, Mr. Costello!

...Wait... nevermind. Boyd would just be another average-size center on a team that has plenty of those already. In my opinion, he's very similar to Senator Peter Regin: both were drafted by their current clubs in the third round of the 2004 draft with Regin being selected 87th overall and Boyd 98th. Boyd has played parts of four seasons with the Flames (71 games in 2009) whereas Regin took a while longer to develop, getting his first dose of NHL play last season with eleven games. Regin has fit in quite nicely with the club this season though, as he has put up 13 points and a +11 in 38 games, comparible to Boyd's 14 points and +5 in 43 games. While he would be a great addition to the team, the Senators would terribly need a number one center, and although Fisher definitely puts in the amount of effort expected from a number one center, the hands simply are not there for him to contribute regularly on the scoreboard as he has never scored more than 23 in a season. Plus, think about it; the Senators' centers would consist of Fisher, 2nd-liner Boyd, Regin, Kelly and rotating center-wingers Shannon and Winchester. This is anything but scary, at least not scary in the good way. I'm actually quite mortified.

Another thing that confuses me about this updated proposal is that with the addition of Campravioli, Calgary would continue to keep their "DEEP" line of defensive prospects from getting their chance at cracking the roster. Not necessary if you ask me, but what do I know; I don't write a blog for THN, just lowly Tyutin in Staals. =(

The beauty of this deal is it would give both Spezza and Phaneuf a much-needed fresh start. It would give the Flames more offensive balance going into the playoffs and provide the Senators with a building block for the future. The Flames are running out of time as Cup contenders and the Senators need the time to rebuild. I think it would be a trade that helps both teams.

I think that THN should trade Brian Costello to The Food Network in exchange for Giada De Laurentiis. At least her duo-processor could come up with a better breakfast for me to digest rather than this scrambled brain-eggs bullshit (Thanks to Sven for that great phrase; it's quite useful). I'm sure some people would enjoy his recipies, but sadly I don't think Flames and Sens fans would watch his show. This deal has no beauty. Get over it, champ.