50 Shades of Butthurt

With this shortened season (and our perpetual hockey boners) set to commence this coming weekend, the blogosphere is full of luscious new reading material to peruse and ridicule.  Within this vibrant garden of premium journalism is an ever-expanding patch of predictions, including varieties such as team standings, point leaders, and the oh-so-coveted Cup champion.  Since these written predictions are always wrong, this opens the gate for another gardener to water his or her blog until a dainty pansy of an article has blossomed.  Thanks for giving me some feed, Wysh!

Coming up, the TSN top 50 for 2013, and a few critiques …

So, this is TSN's top 50 for the 2013 season -- this particular season we're about to begin, that is.  This list appears to be providing who those at TSN believe will be the top 50 players for THIS COMING SEASON, likely based on players' current abilities (rather than career output... sorry, Hejduk), their potential for success with their respective teams, and perhaps a little bit of personal bias... GASP!

Since providing our lovely reader(s) with TSN's top 50 list was easier than anticipated (who knew copy-paste could actually work?  I'm genuinely marveled.), here it is, in all of its flawless and objective glory:

1. Sidney Crosby	26. Ryan Suter
2. Evgeni Malkin	27. Pekka Rinne
3. Claude Giroux	28. Alex Pietrangelo
4. Steven Stamkos	29. Kris Letang
5. Pavel Datsyuk	30. Martin St. Louis
6. Jonathan Toews	31. Tyler Seguin
7. Shea Weber	32. Marian Hossa
8. Daniel Sedin	33. Nicklas Backstrom
9. Henrik Sedin	34. Ryan Getzlaf
10. Anze Kopitar	35. Patrice Bergeron
11. Erik Karlsson	36. James Neal
12. Zdeno Chara	37. Jarome Iginla
13. Zach Parise	38. Patrick Kane
14. Alex Ovechkin	39. Jamie Benn
15. Henrik Lundqvist	40. Joe Thornton
16. Jonathan Quick	41. Logan Couture
17. Drew Doughty	42. Brad Richards
18. Ilya Kovalchuk	43. Dustin Brown
19. Corey Perry	44. Mike Richards
20. John Tavares	45. Marian Gaborik
21. Eric Staal	46. Jordan Staal
22. Henrik Zetterberg	47. Phil Kessel
23. Jason Spezza	48. Ryan Nugent-Hopkins
24. Rick Nash	49. Duncan Keith
25. Jordan Eberle	50. Taylor Hall

That's a respectable list!  The only significant changes I would make would be to drop Richards and Keith off of this list (not far off, though), send Kessel a little higher ("half way down, guys"), and bring Brad Doty into the early-20s.  Other than that, the movement would be minimal.  What do you think, Daddy-G?

Bobby Ryan isn't better than any of these players?

Sure, he has better hands than Dustin Brown and a better shot than Pekka Rinne, but look at the roster surrounding him in Anaheim -- it shouldn't surprise (m)any that his assist totals were down last season.  Adding Souray, Allen, and Winnik to the roster isn't a guarantee for top-gear offense as one may believe.  Ryan certainly has the pedigree to make this list, but I agree with TSN's decision to keep him off of it this season. 

Can we go back to the days when Henrik Sedin was clearly seen as the better Sedin? In 2010-11, he was ranked sixth while Daniel was No. 18. Last year, the two were ranked sequentially, and it happened again this year.

No, you idiot.  Henrik was ranked higher heading into the '10-'11 season due to Daniel's injury the previous season.  Daniel finished ten points ahead of Henrik in '10-'11, while Henrik finished 14 points ahead of Daniel last season.  A sequential ranking seems appropriate right now, although they appear to be missing their less attractive, more productive triplet in these rankings... AGAIN.

There’s probably an alternate universe in which Erik Karlsson is a more complete, accomplished and consistent player than Zdeno Chara. We imagine it’s always raining Skittles and cars drive people there, too.

There (potentially) is!  It's called 2023!  Of course Chara is the more established and well-rounded defenseman of the two, and it's silly of Wysh to even give the impression that the alternative is possible (or that anyone outside of Ottawa or my basement thinks this is possible) at this point.  Zdeno is 35 this year, which means he will regress this season.  Or, it means that he'll put up 50 points in 48 games while throwing 100+ hits.  OR, it means that he's retiring tomorrow and becoming fully invested in his nude modeling passion.  We don't know!  That's the fun part!

What we do know, however, is that Karlsson had quite a breakout last season, worthy enough to surpass Chara for the Norris Trophy.  Is it THAT much of a stretch to think that Karlsson may be able to step his game up this season?  Perhaps, but the potential is there for him to do so, where it's more likely for Chara to maintain his current output or to begin trending downward.  Regardless, they're listed sequentially within the top 15, and Wysh wouldn't have said a damn thing if their positions were swapped on this list.  It's not as if TSN posted this as, "Erik Karlsson: NUMBA ONE GO CANADA FUK YEH! Zdeno Chara: DED LAST LOL U SUKK!"  Just unbunch those loins, man.

The Phoenix Coyotes do not exist, and if they do, then Shane Doan and Keith Yandle Mike Smith and Oliver Ekman-Larsson are all products of Dave Tippett’s system and not part of the top 50.

The Coyotes do, in fact, exist, but the rest of that statement is pretty accurate.  As good of players as these four may or may not be, Dave Tippett's defensive strategy is well-executed and has provided efficient results throughout his coaching history.  In fact, between the six years he coached in Dallas and the three he has spent in Phoenix, his teams have only finished below 7th in Goals Against Average twice.  Offensive declines from Doan and Yandle probably factored into their lesser rankings, as well.  Mike Smith's fantastic numbers could have earned him a spot on this list, but you just can't fit that many players into such a tight spot (unless you're from Brazzers or RedTube).

All due respect to the run Dustin Brown had on the Kings’ most productive offensive line, but where the [expletive] is David Backes on this list?

Uh... he's clearly not on this list.  Glad I was here to clarify that for you.

Sorry Dan Girardi, but being the best defensive defenseman in hockey isn’t good enough. NEEDZ MOAR POINTZ.

Just as being the best fighter in the league isn't good enough for Alex Semin.  TSN, I know you don't usually incorporate defensive defensemen into your yearly top 50, but It Would Be Cooler If You Did.  I'd probably place Ryan McDonagh higher up than Girardi, anyway (but not above Scott Gomez).

So we can reward Jordan Staal’s potential as a player who emerged from the Sid/Geno shadow and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins' potential as a sophomore player, but Gabe Landeskog has, what, hit his ceiling?

No, but Gabe is surrounded by players who underperformed last season and despite Colorado's offseason acquisition of Parenteau, they are still flying very low under the radar.  The Oilers are laden with prized prospects and top draft picks while Carolina has added two significant top six forwards to an already competitive squad.  Forgive them (and 80% of the other teams in the league) for keeping the spotlight off of Denver.

Finally, please put Loui Eriksson on these lists. Every time you don’t, the Underrated Monster grows stronger and more ravenous …

Actually, he'll probably just put up around 16 goals and 26 assists, which is about the same per-game pace he has kept over the past three seasons.  He would replace Mike Richards on my list, while I'd replace Duncan Keith with either Patrick Sharp or Mike Smith, but it's all trivial at this point. 

The point is: FOUR DAYS! HOCKEY'S BACK!

I'm Wide Awake, It's Boring

YAWWWN

I’m awake. And I’m happier than a Sheahan in a Teletubby costume store (or more accurately, a Sheahan who can’t complain because he played great), because HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK! HOCKEY’S BACK!

To be fair, the NHL is back; “hockey” never went away. Any Canadian man or woman or beast will remind you that the minor leagues is where the “real” players are, who play with “heart” and “hustle” and “aren’t” “spoiled” “by the” greed “of” whiny “players” and “Gary ‘Butt’man.” "I’M KEEPING MY HOCKEY RELATED REVENUE IN MY RECTUM."

Ok, good for you. I’m going to fill a barrel with dead fish and then fire a rocket launcher at it by going over to Bleacher Report to see if I can find somet - found it.

It’s TITLED:

5 Bold Predictions for the San Jose Sharks

With a title like that, I am ready for some bizarre-ass shit. Tommy Wingels for Art Ross. Ryane Clowe for “Girls Choice for Brother” in the team yearbook. Douglas Murray for handsome. I’m ready, SO BRING ON THE BOLD.

1. Antti Niemi Will Shine in Net.

OW! MY EYES! TOO BOLD!

Goalie Antti Niemi has already won a Stanley Cup, back in 2010 with the Chicago Blackhawks.

San Jose has a deep and talented defense with Dan Boyle, Douglas Murray, Brent Burns, Marc-Edouard Vlasic, Brad Stuart, Jason Demers and Justin Braun all available. They provide a good mix of youth and experience and play-makers and positional players.

I know not every goalie who was “won a Stanley Cup” is awesome, but it’s not like Niemi has been BAD or is unproven as far as goaltenders go. He went .915/2.42 last year in 68 games. Sure, he’ll “shine” or play pretty decent. Plus, he's got good defensemen, but that doesn't matter. Whatever, that’s one not-really-bold-at-all statement. A bold start, Brad Kurtzberg!

Boring 1, Anquan Boldin 0.

2. Logan Couture Will Take His Game to the Next Level

Logan Couture is 23 and has already enjoyed back-to-back 30-goal seasons for the Sharks.

During the lockout, the London, Ontario, native has stayed sharp by playing in Switzerland, where he is averaging a point per game.

Very impressive. Lots of recognizable point-per-game talent in that Swiss League. This guy is someone I think I didn’t forget. This guy sure has a bright future in the NHL. Maybe he will take his game to the next level. This guy is a Jew. So that's interest and relevant. Did I cherry-pick a bit? Never, but don’t go and check to see if I’m ruining it by looking at the others.

Look for the young Couture to have another stellar season and even to take his production to the next level. He is already in game shape, has immense talent and still hasn't reached his prime.

Oh, I’ll be looking. Logan Couture is a very good player. He was also taken 9th overall in his draft. To say he might even reach another level! isn’t ground-breaking. It’s not even ground-pushing-and-shoving. It’s just ground-walking in slippers on cement.

For those of you scoring at home, that’s Boldness 0, Boredom 2. Maybe he picks up the boldness with the next one.

3. Martin Havlat Will Not Stay Healthy All Season

HOLY FUCK BRAD KURTZBERG THIS SHIT IS SO BOLD. Blogger won’t let me put the text of the prediction in a bolded font in fear of the consequences. When I put this prediction on my spare ribs, THEY TASTE AWESOME. THAT IS HOW BOLD THIS IS. I have to stop reading this. You can’t keep up the break-neck pace on these insane predictions, Brad.

“Havlat gets bad hurts and stuff.” Ugh. Can you think of any one thing you could say about the Sharks that would be LESS bold? I'll try:

Things to say about the Sharks that are not as bold as predicting Martin Havlat will get hurt:
1. Joe Thornton will choke in the playoffs.
2. Patrick Marleau will choke in the playoffs.
3. Douglas Murray is hideous and barely human.
4. the cotton gin
5.....

So I could think of four. That's not enough to write for Bleacher Report. Guess I'm stuck blogging for free in my hockey coach's basement.

Martin Havlat only played in 39 games last season for the Sharks. When he did play, he was disappointing, producing only seven goals and 27 points, well below expectations.

WELL below? He obviously played hurt, too, and his pace put him on par with Joe Pavelski and 5th on the team. Not to mention, he averaged 3 minutes fewer per game than Pavelski, Thornton and Marleau. He also had the lowest shot percentage of his career by a mile. That will improve. He’s like, the unluckiest guy in the league.

I know we are all a bunch of Marty lackeys around here, but why do writers hate him so much? Did he kick their puppies? Did he fart without saying doorknob? Did he bone their wives? Actually, yeah, he probably boned their wives.

That’s 0fer 3 on the boldness. And man, this is the opposite of bold.

4. Either Patrick Marleau or Joe Thornton Will Not Be with the Sharks Next Year

Ok, sure. This is a bold prediction. It’s also stupid. The Sharks will have to clear some cap space because the salary cap is dropping thanks to how those silly owners just can't control them crazy selves. They’ll also have over $6 million in cap space cleared without having to move Thornton or Marleau since Ryane Clowe and Michal Handzus ($2.5 mil for him?! What?!) will be UFAs.

They could see how the team is doing at the deadline in 2014 and then move their expiring contracts. They’ll still be under 35. I know this is a BOLD prediction, but why would San Jose do this?

The Sharks have a lot of money invested in two players: Patrick Marleau and Joe Thornton. They are both 33. Both of them are considered leaders on this team, but many critics both inside and outside the organization question their leadership abilities.

Joe will be sitting tub-side with a fork and knife, waiting to eat a tub-full of leadership squat.

5. Larry Robinson Will Be the Head Coach of the Sharks by Next Season

One thing about Robinson: He knows how to win. As a player with Montreal and Los Angeles, he won six Stanley Cups and never failed to reach the postseason in 20 NHL seasons.

He has also won three Stanley Cups as a coach (head or assistant) or scout.

That is some expert scouting. Larry Robinson knows how to scout a Cup.

"Do you see that? In the distance? Hiding in the plains of the Serengeti?"

No, Larry, what is it?!

"That is it."

What is it!?

"That's the Stanley Cup."

And he’s never lost anything: chess, keys, chutes and ladders, BurgerTime, a coin flip. No pennies in between Larry Robinson’s couch cushions. And when he watches LOST, he can’t.

Also, check out that Cup team he head coached. They were sure crummy before he took over for 8 games. How about those 4 amazing, winnerized seasons in LA? Nothing about those eh?

Also also, since he’s such a winning winner who wins all the winning wins, shouldn’t having him as an assistant coach be enough? Or is San Jose just that big a sack of sad sack losers?

Also also also, this isn’t that bold either. The Sharks are a team that has high expectations. If they aren’t met, they will fire the coach because you can’t fire players and then hey why not hire the guy with the Cup win and stuff. That always works.

Anyway, hopefully I’m back for a while. I missed you, lover.

Like a locked out Bruin...

I'm out of my hibernation. Expect some more from us (well, me) real, real, real soon. Hockey's back, all-right!

"We'll run you down, look motherfucker, this is our team"

The 2012-13 NHL season is set to begin on October 11, yet, here we are, nine days from what we can assume will be an official declaration of another dreadful lockout.  Oh, well! The following article discusses the Washington Capitals and which of their roster players should be considered "untouchable." 

Nicklas Backstrom
Backstrom, 24, is signed through the 2019-2020 season and is going to be Washington’s first line center for quite a long time. He has been playing in Washington since the 2007-2008 season when he immediately made an impact. Backstrom totaled 14 goals and 15 assists in his rookie season with the Capitals, including four goals and two assists in seven playoff games.

Why, yes, Nicklas Backstrom was a finalist for the Calder Trophy after finishing ninth in rookie scoring.  I don't know about you guys, but I think Aaron Voros was snubbed.

Please, please, check your statistics before posting any article highlighting said statistics. 40 points is quite the difference. By the way, do you guys think Stamkos will hit 100 goals again next season? Wait, lockout... damn it.

This past season, Backstrom battled through injuries posting a solid 44 points in only 42 games. He looks to regain his scoring touch and stay healthy in the upcoming season and will be a key figure for the Capitals in the many years to come.

Wait for it...

He is locked in with Washington for a long time and should never be moved. He still has room to improve and is one of the best two way forwards in the entire NHL. He should enter the season as the number one season(sic) alongside Alex Ovechkin and another winger, possibly Troy Brouwer.

...BOOM! NEVER be moved, ever?  There are so many factors that could make such a commitment a foolish one.  I'd like to make my ultimate point, but I'll leave it for near the end of this article. Let's continue.

Brooks Laich
Laich, 29, enters 2012-2013 campaign in his second season since signing a long term deal to stay in Washington. The Capitals’ fan favorite signed a six year, 27 million contract before the 2011-2012 season keeping him in Washington through the 2016-2017 season. He holds a limited no trade clause through the 2014-2015 season, meaning Laich can list five teams before the beginning of the season he would deny a trade to.

In other words, Columbus, Columbus, Columbus, Columbus, and Calgary.  And for fuck's sake, it should be, "...to which he would deny a trade."  This article may not be as bad content-wise in relation to some of the articles we've buried in the past, but all of these little errors are really irritating.

A trade is almost out of the question however, the Capitals lack scoring and wouldn’t want to move a player in their long term plans and most importantly one of their team leaders. Laich has achieved four straight forty point seasons while bringing solid defensive play down the middle.

This season should will be one where Laich must provide guidance to the younger players while looking to provide offense following the departure of Alexander Semin.

Like most of the team, Laich's points per game has trended significantly downward since 2010.  This season, Mike Ribeiro is expected to take over the 2nd-line center position, Marcus Johansson will be pushing for top-six minutes after finishing with a respectable 46 points last year, and Wojtek Wolski is added competition for that final top-six spot.  It appears that Laich is only going to be further cemented into his role as a defensive forward.  I'll be surprised to see him hit .5 PPG this season.

Laich provides solid fore-check play at the third line center position, also contributing to the Capitals penalty kill. He’s a core player and his contributions on and off the ice have been very valuable to the Washington Capitals and should continue for the future.

I will agree that Brooks is currently a very important player on this Capitals team, but things are beginning to look cloudy. $4.5 million per year is quite a bit of money to throw at your third line center, and the Caps are developing some very intriguing prospects who could be NHL ready by next season.  I just don't see him finishing out this contract in a Capitals uniform, whether that means he's traded after this season or three years from now.

Mike Green

Mike Green has fought through injury the past two seasons and looks to rebound in the 2012-2013 campaign. He resigned with the Capitals this offseason, inking for three years earning him around six million per season.

Think of all the prosthetics he could/should buy!

His health is a key concern heading into the regular season and he looks to be ready to go. Green has the ability to return as the top offensive defense-man in the NHL, but his numbers will be determined by Adam Oates strategy going into this season. He will likely be paired with Roman Hamrlik on the first defensive pairing and will also spend time at the point on Washington’s first power play unit.

If Oates' strategy is to pair him with Roman Hamrlik, I wouldn't expect a return to the top.  Green's numbers will rely on if his body allows him to play NHL hockey for a whole season.  His talent is still there, but after missing 83 games over the past two seasons, he's going to need quite some time to get anywhere close to his former levels of ability and consistency.  With a full, healthy season in 2012-13, I'd expect him to put up between 10-13 goals and around 40 points.

John Carlson

Carlson, 22, plays a very similar game to Green and could eventually put up numbers like Green did in his best years. Carlson was selected by the Capitals in the first round of the 2008 NHL entry draft and will be entering his third full season in Washington this fall. He will play alongside his long time defense partner, Karl Alzner on the second pairing.

You didn't screw anything up here.  I'm almost proud of you.

Carlson will also spend time on the second power play unit, looking to add to his offensive production. Like the offensive minded Green, Carlson needs to polish his defensive game. He posted great numbers in the 2011-2012 season, registering 7 goals and 30 assists along with an outstanding plus 21 under Bruce Boudreau.

Carlson put up 37 points and a plus 21 during the 22 games Boudreau was behind the Washington bench last season?  Damn, this kid is ELECTRIC!  Just like that Tigers game on Sunday -- right, Dacque?

Last season, Carlon’s(sic) numbers clearly regressed. The right handed defense-man posted 9 goals and 23 assists, but struggled defensively posting a minus 15. Dale Hunter’s system had a big impact on Carlon’s(sic) numbers, but Carlson needs to become better defensively like his partner, Karl Alzner. He is currently a restricted free agent and still is not close to a deal.

Wow, Carlon had a terrible season, and he was invisible throughout the playoffs.  They should trade him for necessary cap space and so he doesn't further degrade Carlson's defensive game. 

Seriously, man, did you even proofread your own article?  These mistakes aren't that covert.

Braden Holtby

Holtby, 22, stepped into the spotlight in Washington’s playoff run last year and posted phenomenal numbers. The confident Capitals net-minder registered seven wins in fourteen playoff games including a 1.95 goals against average along with a .935 save percentage.

Confident, indeed.

He looks to take over the starting role in goal moving forward in the nation’s capital, battling Michal Neuvirth to become the franchise goalie. The young tandem will share the starts in goal, but Holtby will likely receive the majority of the playing time between the pipes. Holtby will become a restricted free agent next off season and Washington should look to lock him up long term.

Semyon Varlamov went through this situation, and look how that ended.  This isn't to say that Holtby won't be a better goaltender than Varlamov, but it's far too early to tell.  It's easy to forget that this kid has only played 35 NHL games thus far.  Doesn't that make a long-term deal sort of a risky proposal?

If he gets on a roll at the beginning of the season, Washington should extend their fourth round pick from the 2008 NHL entry draft for at least three years, earning Holtby in the range of 3-4 million per season. He’s a player he could easily receive an offer sheet from a team looking to add young talent and Washington needs to avoid this at all costs.

They really don't need to jump the gun on this kid so quickly.  If he plays that well this season, then that could be an acceptable contract offer.  In the event that a team presents an offer sheet for him, Washington would be fine.  They have the financial flexibility to match an offer sheet, but even if they don't choose to do so, the compensatory draft picks should be an acceptable return.  After all, the first-rounder they received in the Varlamov trade got them this kid...

Filip Forsberg

Fosberg(sic), 18, was selected by Washington with the eleventh pick of this year’s NHL entry draft and could become a big piece in making the Capitals a cup favorite once again. He’s a young forward with high offensive skill and could potentially put up 30 goals per year consistently when he makes an impact in Washington. He’s a future first line forward and a potential power play specialist and will be an important member of the Capitals core moving forward.

I hope he does it all while wearing the number 21, too.  Another reason for you to get traded next year, Brooks!

Forsberg will spend the upcomingg(sic) season in Sweden before playing in North America in the 2013-2014 season. He could spend time in Hershey or Washington during the 2013-2014 campaign, but it will all depend on Capitals management and if there’s room for him in a top six forward role.

I believe it would be better for the Capitals to ease him into the North American game, but Washington is in dire need of offensive scoring threats. Although a few years away, Washington is surely keeping tabs on their future star.

This is the one section of this article with which I can fully agree, and I should also say, "no shit."  There is a ton of hype surrounding this kid and Washington should have no need to rush his arrival into the NHL.  Much like any top prospect, though, there shouldn't be much thought about trading him, as his risk/reward level is just too low/high.

Where’s Ovechkin?
You might be asking yourself, isn’t Alex Ovechkin untouchable? In my opinion, he’s not. He holds a cap hit close to ten million per season through the 2020-2021 season and isn’t getting any younger. Capitals fans have seen a decrease in Ovechkin’s scoring numbers since the 2007-2008 regular season and Ovechkin posted only 65 points last season, largely due to a slow start.

What looks like a decrease in scoring numbers between 2007-08 and 2009-10 was actually an increase in points per game each season (1.37 in '08, 1.39 in '09, and 1.51 in '10), so disregard that, please.  As we've talked about in previous rants, Washington has veered away from the run-and-gun, pass-it-to-Ovie-then-pick-up-your-jaw style of play from those years.  Ice time has also become an important factor. Last season, he averaged just over 19 minutes last season, which is down from over 21 minutes the year before, and 23 minutes two seasons before that.  If you want Ovechkin to be the one to provide all of your offense, give him more time with which to work.

His no-trade clause kicks in at the start of the 2014-2015 season and he could potentially draw interest from a smaller market team in need of reaching the cap floor and attempting to sell tickets. One team could possibly be the New York Islanders. A team like the Islanders could trade multiple first round picks and young players such as Michael Grabner and Ryan Strome.

The Islanders are certainly in a great financial situation to take on one of the biggest contracts in the league.  They'll probably just have to stop paying the custodial staff for the next nine seasons.

If Ovechkin were to ever be traded, it would likely be to a Western Conference team capable of spending toward the cap ceiling.  What about Ovechkin for Couture and Pavelski?  Or perhaps Ovechkin and a top prospect for Kane and Sharp?  Seems more plausible for a team looking to be a cup contender for as long as they so possibly can. 

While the NHL season may be in doubt, one thing is certain, none of these players should be moved by the Washington Capitals anytime soon.

Oh, so this includes Ovechkin, now? MAKE UP YOUR MIND, AND I'LL MAKE UP MINE.

The point I wanted to make in the Backstrom section is that no matter how great a player is and how much of a sure-thing they seem to be, there is always room for misfortune and the franchise should be prepared for that.  If Backstrom suffers another serious injury, how much confidence could Washington really have in building their franchise around him?  Will you be saying the same thing about Holtby if he can't keep the number one spot this season?  How many more chances does Green actually deserve? As a team that considers themselves a cup contender, there are some big question marks on this roster.  Whether it means actually keeping and extending all of the aforementioned players, or trading them for an entirely new roster, the Capitals will do what's necessary to ice a championship team.  Regardless, the idea of an "untouchable" player seems unintelligent. 

"Sometimes the news bums me out."

...It doesn't get me off the couch where I belong.

RIP Anthony Sly(1970-2012)

Dan Boyle might know what I'm talking about.
Scott Radinsky certainly knows what I'm talking about.
Team Oakley probably knows what I'm talking about too. I know what they're talking about.


Oh. This is a hockey blog. Sorry. Rick Nash got signed by the New York Rangers.

Remember us?

"Where bad hockey analysis comes to die" is the slogan.  Yet, here, one week and change removed from the culmination of the 2012 season, I find our quaint little corner of internet paradise as desolate as Lions & Tigers & Beers.  Sure, we have plenty of excuses to throw around, but I think the main reason as to why we haven't been so committed to this once-exciting project (aside from the lack of actual readership and/or practical gain) is that we've grown tired.  There is plenty of NHL journalism to pick apart and banish to the swamplands, but it has all become humdrum and almost expected.  We can only insult so many posts related to how often a team wins when their superstars score, or how highlighting a goaltender's win record tells the entire story of a team's success.  Anything else -- whether a botched statistic shown via telecast, a ridiculous opinion of an important league-related issue, or anything Don Cherry says about anything, ever -- seems miniscule and not particularly critique-worthy.  So, in order to give our slice of pie some more flavor and substance, I'm going to focus on other material for the off-season.

The 2012 NHL Draft takes place this Friday.  Unlike recent drafts, the projected talent through the first round or so is fairly well-balanced, which means we could see some high-risers (Brian Lee, anyone?), late-round steals (Rob Schremp, anyone?), and plenty more kids who fans will mistakenly covet as the answer to all of their team's shortcommings.  Here is my attempt at a mock draft for the first round, including my reasoning for why each team would want to waste their time on these kids.  Let's go!

Gary Bettman: Now... let's get things started!
Consol Energy Center Crowd: Boooooo! Fuck you, Bettman!
Bettman: Fantastic.  The first overall pick... in this year's NHL... Entry Draft... belongs... to the Edmonton Oilers!

1. Edmonton Oilers select RW Nail Yakupov, Sarnia Sting (OHL)
The Oilers desperately need help on the backend and in goal, but they won't find it here.  Yakupov has been touted as the consensus #1 pick for over a year and it would be foolish for the Oilers to use this pick on anyone else.  He was an offensive dynamo in Sarnia (he actually broke Stamkos' rookie goal-scoring record during the '10-'11 season) and performed well within a playmaker role during this year's WJC for Russia.  Recent reports state that they won't be shopping their first overall pick, so blue line and goal line help must come from elsewhere.  It might be a good time to see what sort of return they could get for Taylor Hall, as Yakupov has the potential to surpass Hall's offensive ability on what should become a prolific offensive unit in Edmonton.

2. Columbus Blue Jackets select D Ryan Murray, Everett (WHL)
With Nash likely to leave town for good in just a couple weeks, it's sensible for Columbus to draft an offensive prospect.  Yet, I feel that it is more sensible for them to draft a strong, two-way defender who will become a mogul on their blueline (and who will make up for Jack Johnson's absolutely horrible defensive game).

3. Montreal Canadiens select LW/C Alex Galchenyuk, Sarnia (OHL)
Galchenyuk suffered a severe knee injury early last season, allowing him to play only two regular season games before suiting up for the playoffs.  To still be ranked this high after missing so much time only speaks for how talented this kid really is.  The potential is there for him to become Montreal's number one center of the future.  If he doesn't, Habs fans will flip him over and set him on fire. No biggie.

4. New York Islanders select RW/C Filip Forsberg, Leksand (SEL)
While the Islanders are also in great need for a blue-chip defensive prospect, Forsberg is too good to pass up at this point. Not Foppa plays a solid two-way game and is very capable -- albeit, far from flashy -- offensively.  He should compliment Tavares very well and could become a fixture on the PK.

5. Toronto Maple Leafs select D Matt Dumba, Red Deer (WHL)
If you aren't aware of this by now, Brian Burke is a big fan of aggressive players who aren't afraid to drive to the net, throw their weight around, and shut down the other team's best players.  Dumba should be good for at least two of those criteria.  He is a talented offensive defenseman who can give big hits with the best of them.  Working alongside Phaneuf should (in theory) help him bring his game to the next level.

6. Anaheim Ducks select D Morgan Reilly, Moose Jaw (WHL)
The Ducks have a few solid offensive prospects looking to crack next season's roster.  That, and with top defensive prospect Justin Schultz expected to hit free agency this summer, the Ducks need to shore up their backend.  Reilly was injured for the majority of this season, but showed elite skill when he did suit up.  He and Fowler could form a potent powerplay duo.

7. Minnesota Wild selects D Griffin Reinhart, Edmonton (WHL)
Reinhart has continued to climb the draft rankings, so Minnesota would do well to snag him.  Capable offensively and uses his size effectively, although he's not particularly aggressive.  He was one of the best two-way defensemen in the Dub this season and should develop into a first pair defender in the NHL.  Another very safe pick.

8. Carolina Hurricanes select D Jacob Trouba, U.S. NTDP
Having added some exciting offensive performers through the previous two drafts, the Hurricanes should consider Trouba, a defensive defenseman who's capable of contributing offensively.  He is an excellent counterbalance to last year's first round pick Ryan Murphy, who continued to put up fantastic offensive numbers with Kitchener last season.

9. Winnipeg Jets select C Mikhail Grigorenko, Quebec (QMJHL)
Winnipeg is looking for size in this draft, and Grigorenko has an NHL-ready frame.  He dominated the competition in the Q this season, but had a less than impressive showing during the postseason.  Recently ranked in the top three, his postseason results caused his ranking to drop considerably (although recent reports state Grigorenko was dealing with mono during that time, perhaps affecting his output).  The Jets would be fortunate to see him fall into their hands.

10. Tampa Bay Lightning selects D Cody Ceci, Ottawa (OHL)
Tampa's blueline situation is abysmal.  Sorry, I meant downright embarrassing.  Ceci is a talented offensive defenseman, someone the Lightning have been searching for since the Dan Boyle trade.  Unlike most offensive D prospects, he already has the size (6'2'', 207).  Now he just needs some time to round out his defensive game.

11. Washington Capitals select C Radek Faksa, Kitchener (OHL)
With the pick received from Colorado in last year's Varlamov trade, the Capitals take a big kid with a well-developed game all around.  Labeled as a power forward, he will provide a great balance of grit, offensive capability, and defensive responsibility.  He was runner up for rookie of the year in the OHL this season (16-year-old Aaron Ekblad took the award... he might become a big deal one day), and would benefit greatly from another season in Kitchener.

12. Buffalo Sabres select D Derrick Pouliot, Portland (WHL)
Portland has developed some intriguing prospects over the past few seasons, which should make this a safe pick for the Sabres.  The hope is that this Pouliot doesn't underwhelm like the Pouliots drafted before him.  He will bring some needed offense to the blueline and is a suitable replacement for Marc-Andre Gragnani, who was part of the Hodgson trade last season.

13. Dallas Stars select D Hampus Lindholm, Rogle Jr. (SWE)
The Stars have been one of the most mediocre teams over the past few seasons.  This leaves them within the awful area of being too good to draft impact prospects, yet too lousy to make the playoffs.  Needless to say (but I'll say it anyway, dammit), they could use some good fortune.  Another prospect who has risen through the rankings of late, Lindholm plays a complete two-way game and will complement last year's first round pick, 6'7" defensive defenseman Jamie Oleksiak.  Now they just need to make the roster (along with Scott Glennie and Jack Campbell).

14. Calgary Flames select D Olli Maatta, London (OHL)
While Dallas actually has the mediocre draft picks to go with their mediocre output, Calgary can't even hold on to their own picks.  They need a few (dozen) great prospects in their system, and Maatta would certainly fit that bill. Another two-way defenseman who is very close to being NHL ready.

15. Ottawa Senators select LW Teuvo Teravainen, Jokerit (FIN)
The Senators would be best to take a defenseman with this pick, but Teravainen is too talented to pass up.  He was rookie of the year in the SM-Liiga this season, but would likely need another season in Finland in order to round out his game and drink some Muscle Milk.

16. Washington Capitals select D Slater Koekkoek, Peterborough (OHL)
Oh, back so soon?  Koekkoek (pronounced Kook-Kook... how awesome is that?) is an aggressive two-way defenseman who will be a nice addition on the Washington blueline within a couple of years.

Bettman: We have a trade to announce!  San Jose... trades pick number... seventeen... for a roster player... who won't meet expectations!

17. San Jose Sharks select D Matt Finn, Guelph (OHL)
This is reliant on San Jose actually keeping a first round draft pick for once, but Finn would become at least the second best defensive prospect in their system.  Reminds me a lot of Matt Carle, who San Jose has likely missed since getting rid of him.


18. Chicago Blackhawks select C Zemgus Girgensons, Dubuque (USHL)
For as much star power as you'll find on the Blackhawks roster, there is a huge absence of capable depth players.  Girgensons is a tough customer who doesn't shy away from physical play and works well in the corners.  He is a safe bet to become at least a third line center in the near future.

19. Tampa Bay Lightning selects G Andrei Vasilevski, Ufa Tolpar (RUS Jr.)
You mean Roloson isn't the answer?  Shit.  Well, this kid has huge potential (he was absolutely lights out until the very end of the WJC) and will give Tampa another (hopefully better) option in case Dustin Tokarski doesn't pan out.

20. Philadelphia Flyers select C Brendan Gaunce, Belleville (OHL)
Another team in need of some significant prospects, Gaunce is the best player available at this point.  While he may not have the potential to become an elite first line player, he has the size, skill, and work ethic to develop into a capable top-six player.

21. Buffalo Sabres select RW Henrik Samuelsson, Edmonton (WHL)
Yes, he's Ulf's son.  Sorry, but nobody cares.  Anyway, he shot up the rankings after a fantastic postseason and would bring much-needed grit (and support for those pipsqueaks, Ennis and Gerbe) to the wing.

22. Pittsburgh Penguins select D Brady Skjei, U.S. NTDP
This kid is -- you guessed it -- a reliable two-way defender who can skate well and play physically.  Based on their postseason results, Pittsburgh's blueline is set for seasons to come, so expect Skjei to crack the roster some point after DiPietro's contract expires.

23. Florida Panthers select C Tomas Hertl, Slavia Praha (CZE)
Czech players are pretty cool, and Hertl is a very entertaining player from what I've seen.  He was rookie of the year in the Extraliga this season and performed very well in the WJC this winter.  Florida can afford to take their time to make sure he develops properly.

24. Boston Bruins select G Malcom Subban, Belleville (OHL)
Baby Subban is extremely athletic and does well within breakaway situations (I believe he stopped all 12 shootout attempts he faced this season... since that has to matter, apparently).  He brings depth to perhaps the only lacking area within Boston's system.

25. St. Louis Blues select RW Sebastien Collberg, Frolunda (SWE)
Collberg possesses a dangerous wrist shot and his skating ability makes him irritating for defenders to handle.  He is another wildcard and could be a steal at this point of the first round.

26. Vancouver Canucks select LW Pontus Åberg, Djurgarden (SWE)
Åberg sees the ice very well and can make smart plays at both ends.  He has an accurate shot and controls the puck well down low.  Do you think he would fit in well with any other Swedes in Vancouver?  Nah...

27. Phoenix Coyotes select RW Tom Wilson, Plymouth (OHL)
As Shane Doan gets closer to retirement, Phoenix finds a great replacement in Wilson.  He's a big kid who plays a gritty game and isn't afraid to drive to the net for opportunities.

28. New York Rangers select C Stefan Matteau, U.S. NTDP
Blah, blah, blah, related to Stephan Matteau, yada, yada, yada.  Plays an aggressive game and can take the body as much as he can dish it out.  He will be a better Brandon Dubinsky than Brandon Dubinsky could ever be.  Speaking of which, how has he not been traded to Columbus yet?  More on that later (or not).


29. New Jersey Devils select G Oscar Dansk, Brynas (SWE)
Has a similar style to Henrik Lundqvist, although one shouldn't expect him to reach that level.  Plays a very calm and focused game and has great technical skills.  He'll be ready to go when Brodeur starts to consider retirement or relegating to backup duty (2017 or so).

30. Los Angeles Kings select RW Martin Frk, Halifax (QMJHL)
Frk is all offense, all the time.  He possesses a lethal shot and fantastic speed down the wing.  Ranked within the top ten at the beginning of the season, injuries (and subsequent trouble returning to form) have caused that rank to drop significantly.  There is a good chance he could slide until late in the second round, but LA would be wise to grab him now.

200. Detroit Red Wings select D Nicklas Lidström, Detroit (NHL)
"PLEASE COME BACK, NICK! PLEASE!  WHO DO YOU THINK WILL REPLACE YOU!? KINDL'S A BUST! BRENDAN SMITH SUCKS! IAN WHITE'S MUSTACHE CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH! KRONWALL CAN'T KRONWALL EVERYONE AND STUART'S A TRAITOR WHO WOULD RATHER BE WITH HIS FAMILY THAN WIN STANLEY CUPS! WAAAHHHHH!" Ah... music to my ears.

Picture Time Again!

This was the home page for tsn.ca/nhl at some point on Saturday. (much like my bulge, click to enlarge)

"Will Jets, Leafs or Oilers make the playoffs first?" At least we can all agree that Calgary won't be making the playoffs any time soon. I understand not including Montreal within this group, as they made the playoffs just last season (and three straight seasons before last), but the Flames haven't made the big dance since 2009. Perhaps they didn't want to make room for Mark Giordano's fat head on that corner of the homepage. 

Whew. I've been building up the motivation to write another post since February.  I'm sure there's more nonsense to this post, but I'm too tired to read it all now. Some of us work...you're driving me crazy.