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I was applying gynecomastia treatment to my abnormally large breasts and looking at about 50 photos of my friend’s balls the other day when I realized my life to this point hasn’t turned out how I expected.  In an attempt to improve short-term morale, I decided to watch YouTube videos of Sergei Fedorov, Alexander Frolov, Slava Voynov, Artem Anisimov, Valentin Zykov, Vyacheslav Kozlov, Nik Antropov, Sergei Kolosov, Anton Belov, Vladimir Denisov, Vladimir Zharkov, Denis Grebeshkov, Kirill Kabanov, Jed Ortmeyer, Leo Komarov, Nikita Kucherov, Andrei Loktionov, Maxim Goncharov, Igor Makarov, Maksim Mayorov, Dmitry Orlov, Mike Smith, Alexander Radulov, Andrei Markov, Anton Volchenkov, Sergei Zubov, Nail Yakupov, Dmitry Kulikov, Alexei Ponikarov, Brian Lashov, Sergei Bobrov, Grigor Dimitrov, Alex Dolgopolov, Alex Bogomolov, and Sara Errani. This, of course, didn’t help. At all. I don’t know why I thought it would. Those guys are all stupid. Except for Mike Smith. He’s pretty cool. But it did, for some reason or another, have me thinking about my blogging colleagues. Which is nice, I like those guys. But then I started thinking about my friend’s balls again...

FireDacque

Welcome Our Newest Contributor!

It is with lukewarm pleasure and even murkier expectations that I begrudgingly emerge from the shadows of the real world to introduce to you, fair reader, the latest, greatest, most douchebaggiest contributor in the Internets long history of meta sports criticism criticism..........MARBLES!

Please, please save your applause for when we shut the blog down.

He likes kittens (but not puppies) and Black Cherry Faygo. WELCOME ABOARD, KIDDO!

Sign him up for the Hall of Fame.

Chris Osgood is one of the best goalies in the world. The current world population is about 6.8 billion people, and he's probably a better goalie than 99% of them. He's definitely better than I am, and he's probably better than most of my friends. I'd say he's as good, maybe even better than most male goalies. That's impressive, I guess. But is he good enough for the Hall of Fame?

Osgood participated in a hockey game tonight, and his team was victorious. It was the 400th time this has happened in his NHL career. A lot of people are making a big deal out of it. They make sure to point out that he's only the 10th goalie in the history of the NHL to do such a thing. That is true, but it's not like there's a huge group of goalies stuck on 399 wins, and he finally passed them all. He's also the 10th goalie in the history of the NHL to record 399 career wins, 396 career wins and 392 career wins, so what makes 400 more special? I don't get it. Is it because 400 is a prettier looking number?

Those who are in favor of putting Osgood in the Hall tend to look at these impressive numbers:
400 wins
3 Stanley Cup Championships


Those who are in favor of using their brains look at these impressive numbers.
Ranked 11 out of 45 goalies in save% from 1994-97. Relatively impressive, he managed to squeeze into the top 25 percentile. Surely it has to get better than that though for a Hall of Fame goalie.
Ranked 21 out of 42 goalies in save% from 1998-2001. Well, that's pretty average. That's exactly right in the middle of the pack, among goalies like Tom Barrasso and Roman Turek. It must get better from there.
Ranked 37 out of 55 goalies in save% from 2002-04. That's under average! For three years, this "Hall of Fame" goalie was in the bottom half of the league in save percentage! Well, maybe his twilight years were better. Let's find out.
Ranked 51 out of 58 goalies in save% from 2006-11. ...I don't even know what to say.

Let's recap. For four years, he was decent. Not good, but decent. For four years, he was average. For nine years, he was one of the worst goalies in the league. Sounds good. Sign him up.

Nonsense is the highest form of flattery.

Back in 1992, when the internet was just invented and this blog was a just a Usenet data page (look how far we've come boys) the original intention of this blog was to hate on the haters. Take a bad article and rip 'er a new one. Over time, this has turned into a madhouse of nonsense, which is just fine by me. But let us revisit the glory days, shall we?

Exhibit A

Be not alarmed. This isn't Mike "Smith" Goalie, this is Mike "Former General Manager" Smith. I had to look him up because I have no idea if he's ever done anything. If you were too lazy or illiterate to read that article let me quote the page. There is a whole section of his wikipage dedicated to some of his "criticisms" during his tenure as a GM.

"His tenure in Chicago was considered a disaster as he failed to address many of the team's holes and drafted first round flops such as Mikhail Yakubov, Pavel Vorobiev, Adam Munro and Anton Babchuk. Another move that many hockey pundits viewed as laughable was his hiring of Alpo Suhonen as the team's head coach as Suhonen was deemed too soft as a coach, along with his refusal to discipline players and change up lines during long losing streaks. Suhonen ended up quitting before season's end. Smith was also criticized by the Chicago media for his acquisitions of ex Toronto Maple Leafs such as Korolev, Garry Valk, Todd Gill and Alexander Karpovtsev, moves which essential dubbed the team "the Chicago Maple Leafs".

Esteemed list of mega-stars, no?

With this in mind, we bring you: Good goaltending makes GMs look like geniuses.

A few weeks ago Carolina Hurricanes GM Jim Rutherford and I were talking about the importance of goaltending to a team’s success. Jim laughed and said, “people are always asking who is the smartest coach? And I always answer, ‘the one with the best goalie.’”

Oh, man. What a joker. You'd get it if you were ever a GM. I play NHL 10 GM Mode, so I am pretty much qualified for the job (quarter joking).

There is a common belief among GMs that “you can’t win with average goaltending.” What happens when a team’s goaltending is less than average? Simple. You lose.

No way. Really? Man, you GMs are smart. I always thought the winning formula was good offense, good defense, bad goaltending and terrible refereeing.

Toronto Maple Leaf fans well remember the impact Curtis Joseph had on their team. I signed Curtis as a free agent during the summer of 1998. The Leafs had Felix Potvin at the time. Curtis turned out to be a significant upgrade. The club had a great year. Nearly every writer had picked the Leafs to be out of the playoffs. We went to the East final. Curtis gave us a chance to win every night.

In 97-98, the Leafs were 4th worst in goals scored. In 98-99 they moved to the Eastern conference. Take a wild fucking guess where they ranked league-wide. It starts with Fir- and ends with I can't believe this guy is this stupid and was an NHL GM. FIRST. They were FIRST. Maybe that might've had something to do with it? Oh, wait, I see. Curtis Joseph had a 45 goal season in 98-99. That's gotta be a record for a goalie, I'll have to check. I know Chris Mason was credited with a goal once. And Andrew Raycroft has a couple this year.

Also, in 98-99, as a team the Leafs gave up 6, SIX, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX (!) fewer goals than in 97-98.

All Cujo.

The same Leaf fans will likely have to watch their former prospect, Tuukka Rask, emerge as a top goalie for Boston. Trading Rask for Andrew Raycroft may well be talked about for years.

Don Cherry is the only person I've ever heard bring this up. He continually reminds us all that the Leafs refused to draft Cogliano because he was from Toronto.

The Winnipeg Jets made such a trade once while I worked there. The late Mike Doran was running scouting for the Jets at the time. Patrick Roy had been through the previous draft. We targeted Roy to be our third round pick in the 1984 entry draft. During the season, Jets GM John Ferguson traded our third round pick to Montreal for Robert Picard. Montreal GM Serge Savard took Roy with our pick. The rest is history.

There you are, Jets fans. It's John Ferguson's fault your team is playing in Puerto Rico.

21 picks earlier the Jets took Peter Douris. I'm just saying.


A look at the performance from the goalies of the top teams in the East and the West illustrates this importance.

Here we go, finally. Evidence!

The number in parentheses is the goalie’s rank in wins.

Just go ahead and put that ball right on that tee, please. Thank you.

EAST
Washington: Jose Theodore (18)
Buffalo: Ryan Miller (5)
New Jersey: Martin Brodeur (1)
Pittsburgh: Marc-Andre Fleury (7)

WEST
San Jose: Evgeni Nabokov (4)
Chicago: Cristobal Huet (9)
Vancouver: Roberto Luongo (6)
Colorado: Craig Anderson (8)
Phoenix: Ilya Bryzgalov (4)
Los Angeles: Jonathan Quick (2)

The top 10 clubs all have goalies ranked in the top 10 except for Washington’s Theodore, who is 18th. Don’t be surprised if GM George McPhee trades for a goalie by the deadline. The Caps are definite Cup contenders. Right now they have average goaltending. An upgrade is needed if they want to win the Cup.

I refuse to believe these staggering numbers. Are you trying to tell me that ALL the goaltending leaders in wins are on WINNING TEAMS?! Is that even possible?!!? Except for Theodore of course. He has a pathetic 18-7-4 record. He also has a better save percentage than 5 other goalies who have more wins. Let's not even include that Theodore was hurt earlier this year and has only played 31 games, which is 26th in the league. Let's also ignore Varlamov's 2.21/.924 and 12-1-2 record (if you're into that kind of thing). He's been hurt, too.

Does anyone really think that Jonathan Quick and Cristobal Huet are better than Tomas Vokoun or Cam Ward?

How about the teams in the hunt for the lottery pick: Carolina’s Cam Ward is 24h, Toronto’s Jonas Gustavsson is 38th and Edmonton’s Nikolai Khabibulin is 44th and out for the season. Boston is rooting for Toronto to plummet since they have the Leafs’ first pick via the Phil Kessel trade.

Oh, THAT's why Edmonton hasn't won a game lately. Khabibulin is hurt and they didn't replace him with a goalie, I guess. That's pretty stupid. I'd fire the coach, maybe.

I can't think of any good reason that sentence about Boston fits into this article. Boston is rooting for everyone to lose, except for Boston. Maybe Mr. Smith is going to rename the article, Unrelated Sentences That Talk About Wins and Losses. I'll check back later for the edit.

I wrote a few weeks ago that the most difficult task for a GM is to hire a good coach. Getting a top goalie may be the next most difficult task. Getting a goalie may sound simple, but it is not. This position is the least predictable when evaluating young players. Goalies mature at a later age than defensemen and forwards.

I'm going to have to find that article. I bet it's just as concise, understandable, and qualifies as english just as much.

Anyway, getting a "top goalie" is difficult not because they "mature at a later age" but because they are so unpredictable from a statistical standpoint. This is the best (and as far as I'm concerned only)argument for Brodeur as being an all-time great. He's been incredibly consistent for a long time. He was pretty good at 25 and pretty good at 35. Look at Steve Mason, Andrew Raycroft. What about that Jose Theodore guy you bashed sentences ago? When he was "young and immature" he won a Hart Trophy. These days, he's a wise, savvy vet who can't get it done. Which one is it Mike?

If you want to give your team a chance to win every night, get a goalie, a real goalie. Otherwise, you will fail at GM 101. That’s OK, every GM fails at this. If you are lucky to retake GM 101, get a goalie.

Hear that league-wide General Managers?! Don't use a shooter-tutor. Those are illegal. Get a real, live, bi- or quadripedal goalie.

And, no, every GM does not fail at getting good players. Only unemployed ones who use wins as a barometer for anything and who now blog for THN.