Boiling Point

Remember Down with Detroit?  They're posting up a storm on Facebook this afternoon, most likely in relation to today's wonderful hockey match between the Detroit Red Wings and the NHL Anti-Wingerees.  Here's (the complete opposite of) my favorite one!

That's right, Thornton!  Step aside and let the WORTHY PLAYERS wear this sacred number.  Praise Jiri Tlusty!  Can I get an amen, Jim Slater!?  Glory, Blair Jones, Hallelujah!

Of course, no Wings-Sharks game is complete without humble recognition of the officiating.

(Getty Images®: Stephen Walkom re-enjoying some White Kessel Umbergers)

This still frustrates me to such a high degree, but I'm not sure why.  I always expect this volatile mix of unbridled loyalty, passion, and ignorance from Wings fans to explode in my face on a game-to-game basis.  I get it: things aren't going to change.  Even with a team that has won 23 in a row at home, currently sits atop the NHL standings, has brought home four championships since 1997 and hasn't missed the postseason since 1990, Wings fans will still find every opposing goal, powerplay, shot on goal, shot off goal, offensive rush, successful line change, and safe team plane landing at Metro Airport to be the work of Jafar-esque officials, Gary Bettman's witchcraft, voodoo carnival magic, or just a statistical impossibility.  

JUST GIVE IT A REST, PEOPLE.

I recognize and respect that the Wings are one of the most successful franchises in all of pro sports, and it is easy for someone to become a fan of a team that consistently plays at an elite level.  This loyalty makes people do and say stupid things, though.  From Flyers fans jumping a military veteran in a Rangers jersey, to the joyous riots in Montreal, and to the ridiculous riot in Vancouver, I can't begin to imagine what this sort of pride feels like.  While Red Wings fandom hasn't become physically cantankerous just yet, I wouldn't be surprised to see the Ren Cen topple into the river if "our boys" ever lose at home again.  Brace yourselves, kids.

Sign him up for the Hall of Fame.

Chris Osgood is one of the best goalies in the world. The current world population is about 6.8 billion people, and he's probably a better goalie than 99% of them. He's definitely better than I am, and he's probably better than most of my friends. I'd say he's as good, maybe even better than most male goalies. That's impressive, I guess. But is he good enough for the Hall of Fame?

Osgood participated in a hockey game tonight, and his team was victorious. It was the 400th time this has happened in his NHL career. A lot of people are making a big deal out of it. They make sure to point out that he's only the 10th goalie in the history of the NHL to do such a thing. That is true, but it's not like there's a huge group of goalies stuck on 399 wins, and he finally passed them all. He's also the 10th goalie in the history of the NHL to record 399 career wins, 396 career wins and 392 career wins, so what makes 400 more special? I don't get it. Is it because 400 is a prettier looking number?

Those who are in favor of putting Osgood in the Hall tend to look at these impressive numbers:
400 wins
3 Stanley Cup Championships


Those who are in favor of using their brains look at these impressive numbers.
Ranked 11 out of 45 goalies in save% from 1994-97. Relatively impressive, he managed to squeeze into the top 25 percentile. Surely it has to get better than that though for a Hall of Fame goalie.
Ranked 21 out of 42 goalies in save% from 1998-2001. Well, that's pretty average. That's exactly right in the middle of the pack, among goalies like Tom Barrasso and Roman Turek. It must get better from there.
Ranked 37 out of 55 goalies in save% from 2002-04. That's under average! For three years, this "Hall of Fame" goalie was in the bottom half of the league in save percentage! Well, maybe his twilight years were better. Let's find out.
Ranked 51 out of 58 goalies in save% from 2006-11. ...I don't even know what to say.

Let's recap. For four years, he was decent. Not good, but decent. For four years, he was average. For nine years, he was one of the worst goalies in the league. Sounds good. Sign him up.

Why do people insist on posting these stats?

Flyers/Flames game today...Flyers were up 2-1 after 2. The following graphic appears:

THRIVE ON PLAYING FROM IN FRONT

When scoring first:
10-2-1

Leading after 1st period:
9-1-0

Leading after 2nd period:
13-0-0


They're undefeated when leading after the 2nd period so far this year. That's impressive. Impressive to the tune of being tied with 11 other teams that are also undefeated after 2 periods. Included in this list of teams are Carolina, Ottawa, Minnesota, and Dallas, four teams that aren't in the top 8 of their respective conferences right now.

The fact that Philadelphia lost today is pure coincidence: I was going to comment on this anyway. But now that they're 13-1, they're in a group of 11 more teams with one loss when leading after the 2nd period. They have more wins than the rest, and therefore more games that fit the criteria, but still the point remains: even bad teams win most of the time when they're leading after 2/3 of a game that sees an average of 5.68 goals. Last season, there were 24 teams that won at least 80% of games when leading after two periods. Not included in this list of 24 teams was Boston, the second best team in the league in goals against for the season(some would argue that this stat is proof that the team is solid defensively, allowing them to more easily protect a lead).

At the bottom of the graphic today was this bit:

Outscored opponents 58-36 in first 2 periods.

You know what this tells me? This tells me they're good. If you outscore your opponents by 22 goals in a month and a half's worth of games, you're a good team. What do good teams do? They win a lot of games. Ottawa's goal differential is at -17, and they're undefeated when leading after two periods.

Pointless.

Quickie

Bill Lindsay, during tonight's Penguins/Panthers game:

"The Panthers have veteran guys, NHL guys on pretty much every line."

Thanks.

Under Halak and Key...

Bad puns aside. Sometimes, I read things online and they’re kinda dumb and I find myself mildly amused. And then I keep reading and the amusement turns to annoyance. And then I keep reading and the annoyance turns to anger. And then I copy-and-paste it and spend my work day writing about it. So, in a way, I’m getting paid to do this. I’ve finally completed my dream to be a professional blogger. I win the internet.

That the St. Louis Blues are in contention in the Western Conference isn't a surprise; five of the six so-called experts in the Puck Daddy staff prognostications had them as a playoff team.

St. Louis clinched? It’s only 12 games in. That's gotta be close the record. You'd figure there'd be some coverage about that. You don’t call yourselves “so-called experts” for nothing.

That the St. Louis Blues are on top of the Western Conference (tied with Los Angeles in points, with a game in-hand) on Nov. 8 is a surprise.

Way to undermine yourself. Good start.

That the Blues have 20 points in 12 games and one regulation defeat has us testing our water supply for hallucinogens, especially now that they're topping power-ranking polls around North America.

Let’s hear it for small sample sizes! That guy comes around pretty often, no? Remember in 03 when Anaheim swept Detroit and then almost won the cup? Or 06 when Edmonton beat Detroit and then almost won the cup? Or 2010 when Montreal went to the conference finals? Should I continue? OK! The 96 Panthers! The 82 Canucks! The 99 Knicks! The Saints ever! Or how about Toronto like 6 days ago when they were awesome? Suddenly, they aren’t?! HOW?!!? Man, anything can happen in this crazy world of professional athletics!

Our disbelief shouldn't be read as a slight to the Blues, even if that's going to inevitably feel like for many St. Louis fans. Like the predictions said: This ain't Cinderella, and not just because David Backes will smash your glass slipper and then feed the shards to Cam Janssen.

Maybe…for…the slipper….he got….$10 off….gift certificate. Fight club.

Also, they aren’t Cinderella and anyone who isn’t a dummy knows this. There were the 9 seed last year and the 6 seed in 09. My guess is that by year’s end, they’ll be in that vicinity again. But who knows?! Cam Janssen eats glass!

But again: One regulation loss in 12 games. For a team that's seventh from the bottom in offense (2.43 goals-for average) and 24th in the league on the power play (11.9 percent).

Then you’re getting really lucky!

Last season, Boston was the 6 seed in the East. 29th in goals for. Think about that. Calgary was tied with St. Louis for the 9-seed in the West. 30th in goals for.

Let’s put it this way:
2009-10 Season:
Teams who were below league average (233 goals) in Goals For: 7 playoff teams
Teams who were below league average in Goals Against: 2 playoff teams (and they were both just worse than league average).

Granted, when your goalies have combined for a 1.38 GAA and a four shutouts ...

Well, right. They play 5-guys-in-the-zone, this-is-the-reason-no-one-watches-hockey hockey. This is the reason they are winning. Yeah, their goalies are playing well, but that’s because St. Louis plays a very defensive style. Look at the shot chart for this game and then compare it to the Edmonton/Chicago game the same night. Absolutely nothing in the middle makes it pretty easy for any goaltender.

My guess is that eventually, teams will find ways to get to the middle on St. Louis and then look out.

Anyway, this next part this really get out of hand.

Here are five reasons the St. Louis Blues are atop the Western Conference this season and keeping even the most caustic Blues fans bowing in humility to the Hockey Gods.

Good system that fits the players and a good amount of luck?

1. Their Ticket Sales Department Is The Ultimate Motivator
As the Blues stake their claim to the conference lead, please recall the team's ticket sales staff put their second-half earnings at stake before the season.

From the Post-Dispatch:
Using a new and unique ticket promotion, the Blues are allowing fans who purchase season tickets for select seats to pay half of the bill now and the other half when the Blues make the 2010-11 playoffs.
What if the Blues don't make the playoffs? You don't pay the other half.
At this rate, the Blues can start passing around the hat by New Year's.

We list this item light-heartedly, but know this: NHL players are usually aware when their teams make a bold marketing statement. No one's saying it's a primary motivator, but it's a good kick in the hockey pants to start a season.

Really?! That’s why? Because of some dumb team promotion? So the reason Matt D’Agostini is already halfway to his career high in goals is because if the team makes the playoffs, the fans who bought very specific season tickets will have to now suddenly pay full price. CRACK THAT WHIP!

2. Jaroslav Halak Is as Good as Allan Walsh Told You He Was

Halak's been every bit the goalie he was in the playoffs last year for the Montreal Canadiens, dispelling any notion that he couldn't replicate that performance in the regular season. In 10 appearances with the Blues this season, The Client has posted an 8-1-1 record with a 1.46 goals-against average, .944 save percentage and three shutouts. He's facing 26.6 shots per game. Ty Conklin(notes), meanwhile, has a 0.96 GAA in two starts and a shutout (over the New York Rangers last night). Much to love between the pipes for the Blues, and much for Walsh to crow about on Twitter.

Sure, Halak’s been great. But the fact that Conklin has also been lights out doesn’t make me think, “Wow, 2 great goalies! What a coinky dink!” it makes me think S.Y.S.T.E.M. because I am a robot programmed to take the human element out of everything.

3. An AHL Coach In His Second Year After an Interim-ship Means Good Things
Davis Payne was retained by the St. Louis Blues after an impressive run as an interim coach last season. Now it appears he's found the right message and system for his team ... much like Bruce Boudreau did in a 108-point season for the Washington Capitals in Year 2, a franchise best. Or Dan Bylsma with the Pittsburgh Penguins, leading them the Cup and then a 101-point season. Or Cory Clouston, who followed his 19-11 interim season with a 94-point campaign the following year with the Ottawa Senators.

Just like Glen Hanlon, Gerard Gallant, and Mike Kitchen who have all tied for the Jack Adams trophy each year since the lockout.

All three of these coaches took over good teams. Pittsburgh was 6 months removed from a trip to the Cup finals, Ottawa less than 2 years, and Hanlon had 6 of his 21 games in 07-08 with Alex Semin on his roster where he posted 1 goal, while Boudreau had him for 57 of 61 (and 25 goals). That team was ready to explode and Boudreau was the benefactor.

Bottom line, as assistant coach Brad Shaw told Chris Botta of FanHouse, is that he's the right kind of Payne for the Blues:
"Davis is preaching a skating style, and it's a system ideally suited to our players' talents," said Shaw, who coaches the defensemen and the Blues' penalty killing units that gave the Rangers next to nothing during a five-minute power play in the third period on Sunday. "Davis is not asking our guys to play a lot one-on-one. We always have support when we're on our game."

So, once, St. Louis killed a penalty against a team who is 15th in the league in PP%. Davis Payne or Toe Blake, WHO KNOWS?!

I will agree that Davis seems to be implementing a system that fits the team’s talents. They don’t have a lot of offensive skill, so they’re playing good defense.

4. The Personnel Fits for Gut-Check Hockey

Oh, no.

While the Blues don't score many goals, they're still scoring enough to win. They have six different players with game-winning goals.

Allow me to parse just how stupid this statement is. After the games on 11/9, of the 19 teams who have at least 6 non-shootout wins, 11 of them have 6 players with a game-winning goal. This is not rarified air. This is what happens when you win games.

When they do score, their defense has made them unbeatable: They're 6-0-1 when leading after two periods, and their goals are evenly distributed: 10 in the first, 8 in the second, 10 in the third thus far this season.

If someone knew a site where I could easily access the ever-important-in-proving-your-point-on-gut-check-hockey-stat Goals Per Period, please introduce us so I can prove with numbers, how dumb it is to use Goals Per Period as any type of indication of anything.

Pizzo and I mixed it up about this team on the radio today, with Pizzo expecting the Blues to come back down to earth and yours truly expecting that offensive players who have yet to get going (like Andy McDonald) will get going.

Sure, Andy McDonald will get going. And then Matt D’Agostini and Carlo Colaiacovo will play hop scotch or kick a puppy or something.

While plus/minus isn't the end-all for stats, there's no denying what it tells you something about the Blues: David Perron and Alex Steen are both a plus-7 up front. Matt D'Agostini is a plus-6. The Blues have two regular players with minus ratings: Brad Winchester and B.J. Crombeen, both just a minus-1. Meanwhile, Jay McClement, of the burgeoning Selke campaign, has been aces:

While your own poop doesn’t taste very good, there’s no denying that eating your own poop will help you determine how good poop tastes.

Winning teams are going to have good numbers in the plus/minus department, especially ones who are 24th in the league in power play percentage. Remember when you mentioned that like 10 lines up?

Their special teams are having a struggle, but their 5-on-5 play has been aces.

A bit of overkill with the “has been aces” term.

Other “has-been aces”:
-Alex Kovalev
-Marty Turco
-Arran Duncan
-the cotton gin
-Dominik Hasek in my pack of NHL Playing Cards from Bicycle (Spades, I think)

From ESPN.com and EJ Hradek (sub. required):

Good teams also have a healthy shot differential. The Blues have that going for them, too. In the first 12 games, they're averaging 33.1 shots per game, while allowing 26.5 shots against. That's nearly seven shots more than their opponents per game. That tells you that they're holding a territorial advantage.
The defense has been remarkable, without anyone needing to play a gargantuan amount of minutes. Erik Johnson (22:25) and Eric Brewer (21:22) are the top pairing, though Johnson's seen time with Barret Jackman (20:07); Jackman's also played with and Alex Pietrangelo (19:35, and a plus-7).

Bottom line: This combination of goaltending, defense, timely scoring and overall grittiness is Brian Burke's wet dream.

Oh, so EJ Hradek did a way better job of explaining why the Blues are winning, but hey the Blues are a cool story, so you farted out this very verbose entry about St. Louis ticket plans and mega-ultra-super-spectacularly-resplendently clutch goal scoring.

5. Finally: It's the Reverse Kovalchuk Curse.

The St. Louis Blues were sniffing around Ilya Kovalchuk at the trade deadline last year but didn't make the aggressive move the New Jersey Devils did. They then refused to meet Kovalchuk's price as a free agent, which is also a claim the Los Angeles Kings can make.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t recall St. Louis EVER being in the talks for potentially signing Kovalchuk over the summer. In fact, quite the opposite. So we’re giving St. Louis credit for something they didn’t even do. Ya know why Obama is the president? Because I didn’t run! You’re welcome, Obama.

The Blues and Kings are atop the Western Conference. Kovalchuk and the New Jersey Devils are in the basement in the East.

It's as simple as that!

(For the record, we don't really believe in a Kovalchuk curse or a reverse Kovalchuk curse. Although it should be noted that the Atlanta Thrashers were willing to pay him before trading him and moving on, and hence are in the middle of the pack with a smidgen of bad juju. You know, in theory.)

I don’t get the “smidgen of bad juju” part. Are you saying that if Atlanta hadn’t TRIED to re-sign Kovalchuk, they’d win the President’s Trophy? Unlikely.

But seriously, the Kovalchuk thing speaks to a greater point: The Blues, like the Kings, didn't make the big-ticket splash that others assumed they'd make in the last few seasons. They've been patient, built from within and did what was necessary to retain their assets until it was time to make a move. (In the Blues' case, for Halak; in the Kings' case ... well, we're still waiting.)

The Kings are doing just fine. They are 0 pts behind and 1 game ahead of St. Louis. They didn’t need to ‘make a big-ticket splash’ because they’ve got a great team already.

This Blues' group has played together as young NHLers and, for some, in the AHL; now that the Tkachuks and Kariyas have moved on, it's their time. That can't be overstated.

What can’t be overstated? That they’ve played together for a while? That old players with declining skill sets are gone and younger, better players are now playing? Yeah, sure, I’ll agree with that. Better players are better than worse players.

The Blues may not still be atop the conference next week. They might be the third best team in their division come the All-Star break. But this start tells us that there's something there for St. Louis, something worth paying attention to now and in the postseason.

Cool, good post. What about all those playoff prognostications? What about 5 reasons they are “bowing in humility to the Hockey Gods”? There are plenty of teams worthy of your attention. If you like close games where the scoring is low and scoring opportunities are scarce, making each goal monumentally important, that’s cool. Personally, I find St. Louis to be insufferably boring to watch and their roster largely uninteresting. (What? No, flashy Euros?)

Because while they may not remain in first place, they aren't going away, either.

Well, they won’t, like, move to Moose Jaw especially because Bob in O’Fallon is tuning in. And they won’t remain in first. Detroit will. Detroit is always in first.

Slaves to the Grind.

As a kid growing up in SOUTH DETROIT, hearing about the “Grind Line” made me say, “Eh.”

As an adult living in sweet caroline BAMP BAMP BAMP, hearing about the “Grind Line” makes me say, “GLORBPEJAAAGH!!~!!@!~~~!”

I know checking lines are important, but man do I hate the word “grind.” Let’s give it up shall we?

And,yes, I know Cotsonika used to write for the Free Press so there is some bias here, getting the word out about one of the leagues ‘unseen heroes’ guys that go ‘beyond the box score.’ Whatever.

Write an article glorifying Kirk Maltby and I’m going to criticize it.

I do some skipping around because this is pretty tedious.

If one moment can sum up a 16-season NHL career, for Kirk Maltby, this is it: Game 5, Western Conference semifinals, 2002. The Detroit Red Wings were trying to eliminate the St. Louis Blues. Maltby was killing a penalty.

Wow, sounds important. I’m guessing he deflected a pass that led to a short-handed breakaway and took a shot into the goalie’s logo.

Blues defenseman Al MacInnis, who had one of the most fearsome slap shots in hockey, broke Maltby’s stick with a blast from the point. But Maltby didn’t give up. He positioned himself like a goalie, crouched, hands out. He blocked another shot. And another. Joe Louis Arena roared, the fans chanting his name as if he were a superstar scorer: “MALT-BY! MALT-BY!”

Way to do your job, Kirk. Maybe if you weren’t so bad at hockey, you could’ve like, scored more goals or something. But instead, you got to lay your mug out in front of cannonades Laperriere-style. This is what happens when you aren’t good.

“I think I was on the ice with him, and I was chanting his name, too,” recalled Wings center Kris Draper. “He’d do anything to help the team win. That’s why you miss a guy like that.”

“Doing anything to help the team win” a trait shared by about, give or take 1%, 99% of the NHL.

Maltby retired on Tuesday, and the game lost more than just another grinder. It lost another member of the Grind Line, Detroit’s beloved blue-collar checking unit, and it lost a type of guy that was already rare and is becoming even rarer in the salary cap era: a role player who spends a long time with one team.

It’s rare because these guys aren’t good. If I’m kinda crappy, but will take less money to continually play on a winning team, I’d take it, too. These guys don’t stick around because no one wants them.

“I’d just like to think I was a guy who came, worked hard – whether practice or the game – and come game-time all I wanted to do was win and did what I had to do to help my team,” Maltby said in a farewell news conference.

What a North American hero. During Mats Sundin’s retirement press conference, if memory serves, he said, “All I wanted to do was lose and make my teammates hate me. You know why Toronto never won a cup? Because I made sure it didn’t happen. I started betting against us and now I’m super rich and fuck you.”

The Wings won that Game 5 against the Blues, 4-0. Maltby shrugged off the fans’ chants much the way he handled his retirement. (“I was just out there trying to do my job,” he said then. “The equipment is pretty good these days.”) But the Wings went on to win the Stanley Cup, and it’s no coincidence.

What a key moment. Maltby blocked a couple of point shots in game 5 of a series the Wings won 4 games to 1 and a game that Detroit won handily. And then Wings fans flipped their dicks over it. Actually, yeah, that sums up Maltby pretty well.

Consider this: Only five players had their names engraved on the Cup each of the last four times the Wings won it – 1997, 1998, 2002 and 2008. That group does not include legendary captain Steve Yzerman. It does not include superstars like Sergei Fedorov and Brendan Shanahan. Its only regal member is Nicklas Lidstrom, a six-time winner of the Norris Trophy as the NHL’s best defenseman. The other four are role players: Tomas Holmstrom, whose specialty is screening goalies on the power play, and the Grind Line guys – Maltby, Draper and Darren McCarty. (And Holmstrom almost shouldn’t count. He appeared in only one playoff game in 1997.)

Consider it considered. And I’ve been telling this to everyone I know everywhere I’ve ever been ever. Maltby was better than Yzerman, Fedorov, and Shanahan. The point of the game is to win, and NO ONE this side of Henri Richard did it more than Kirk. The NHL All-Star team, the Canadian Olympic team, Daniel Alfredsson, they never figured that out. The Hall already has your spot saved, pal. WHY WON’T ANYONE GIVE MALTBY ANY CREDIT?!!!!?

The Grind Line had a special place in the heart of Detroit and the game of hockey. Anyone who had worked at an auto plant or hustled in a cold rink could appreciate the job done by Maltby, Draper and McCarty – work that was especially important at the most important time.

I’ll never forget that tweet I read where Henry Ford berates at a young Maltby, Draper and McCarty for trying to yell over the noise of the conveyor belt. “You’re at work, dad blast it!” he’d yell. “Get back to popping the rivets onto that Model B. It needs to be out before I die!”

Maltby literally got his hands dirty. It seemed he would wear the same nasty, discolored gloves all season, which would make his face washes all the more effective.

It seemed? In the Bronze Age, it seemed Earth was flat.

But don’t be fooled. Just because Maltby accepted and excelled in his role didn’t mean he couldn’t play the actual game. He could hit, skate and score. He had 50 goals and 91 points his last year in junior, and even though he never had more than 14 goals or 37 points in an NHL season, he chipped in key goals at playoff time.

First, anyone who isn’t a complete thug and played in the NHL was a scorer as a youngster. Donald Brashear scored 38 goals in the AHL. Jordan Tootoo had 35 goals and 71 points in the WHL. The point is, scoring in the minors or juniors doesn’t always translate.

Second, literally anyone who spends 14 seasons playing the playoffs is going to “chip in key goals.” Garry Valk has a playoff OT winner for Chrissakes.

Holland valued the contributions of the Grind Line. He allowed McCarty to earn a second chance in 2007-08 and ’08-09, even though McCarty had gone through personal and professional problems after leaving the Wings after the ’03-04 season. He has kept Draper as a depth player and mentor, even though Draper is 39 and far from the form that won him the Selke Trophy as the NHL’s best defensive forward in 2004, knowing Draper took less money to stay in Detroit when he was his most marketable. He gave Maltby one last chance at the NHL this season at age 37, signing him to a two-way contract, and when Maltby decided not to accept a demotion to the minors to wait for a call-up, he gave him a job in the organization as a scout.

Fans liked these guys. That’s why they were brought back or kept. It was a way to rejuvenate fan spirit without increasing the team’s salary. They already were packed with stars. Maybe it was about ‘valued contributions’, but not of the on-ice variety.

How often will we see this in the future? Teams might sign an Alex Ovechkin, an Ilya Kovalchuk or even a Marc Savard to a long-term contract. But a Kirk Maltby? That’s the type of guy most easily replaced by a younger, cheaper player. It’s the natural cycle of life – and it happened here, too – but now it will be only accelerated.

That’s the problem with this stupid CBA. Players like Maltby can sign 17-year contracts and then never see them through to the end. I’ll never forget that press conference from Edmonton in 1994, “I plan on playing until I’m 40.” Bullshit. Someone needs to put an end to this.

Justin Abdelkader and Darren Helm, two 23-year-olds, are Detroit’s next generation of grinders. They should be only so lucky to be like Maltby, to hear their names chanted after a gutsy play at the Joe, to finish with four Stanley Cup rings.

Agreed. Luck would most definitely have to involved there.

“He’s a gamer,” Draper said. “He’s a guy that when you’re in the playoffs and the game’s on the line, you want him on your bench, on your side.”

Kris Draper that is the truest thing anyone has ever said. When the game is on the line, Kirk Maltby should absolutely, 100%, without a doubt be sitting his ass on the bench.

Look, Maltby forged a nice career for himself and that’s great. Good for him. But how many times do we need to hear it from fans or the media or writers that, “OMG PPL! THESE GUYS ARE UNDERRATED!” when there are articles out there that put Martin Havlat on the all Overrated team.
4 Cups, Broh. Oh. Now, I get it.

My paycheque has suddenly become more significant!

What's that, boss? WOW! A paycheque of $252.71!? Just think of all of the things I can buy now! Maybe I could treat all of my friends to a meal at Denny's! Maybe I could eat four meals worth of Denny's all by myself! Or, perhaps I could buy thirty-four IDS Pro-Shot pucks and lose them all at tonight's game! Oh my goodness, I know what I'll do! I'll buy some star hockey players at super-low prices from ESPN-Mart! Always low prices! Always!

Unfortunately, I realized that I had to buy a few things (USA Hockey InLine Registration, Authentic Joe Thornton Bruins Jersey, Membership Fee for the Yves Racine Fan Club) so I'm left with only $180.00 to spend on my favorite players. Since I want a full team (twenty-two players), I have to find the players with the best value. Based on their pricing scale, let's come up with the best team possible based on my extensive knowledge of fantasy hockey!

Editor's Note: To keep things fair, I have kept this in a fantasy league format. Each pick represents a round and, obviously, I am only allowed to pick one player in each round. Following the flawless format of my colleagues, this is an assumed twelve-team format, which means I will be picking one of every twelve players on average. I have also reduced my budget to $180.00 as a result of the more spaced out selections. Does that make sense? No? Get over it. It's August and I'm delusional.
Team: Hamilton Dingos

1. Steven Stamkos, 4th ranked forward, $26; remaining budget - $154: While I really would have loved to have Ovechkin, I didn't feel like paying $6 more for the same amount of production in a far less attractive package. With Stamkos, not only do I get explosive offense, but I get a baby face to go with it! What a steal!

2. Marian Gaborik, 18th(!?) ranked forward, $18; remaining budget - $136: I tried buying Kovalchuk instead, but his barcode was all scratched up so I had to put him back in the FA aisle. They offered me a discount on Gaborik as a result of the inconvenience.

3. Patrick Marleau, 22nd ranked forward, $18; remaining budget - $118: This sale irritated me. I kept getting pestered with the "for one dollar less, you can walk away with the 5th ranked goaltender, Jimmy Howard!"offer. Much like this previous season, I'll try my luck with having solid offense and mediocre (if not, unproven) goaltending.

4. Bobby Ryan, 32nd ranked forward, $16; remaining budget - $102: I was a bit disappointed with this pick. I was expecting Joe Thornton to still be available once I saw Ryan's name at this price range. Can you believe that Thornton is ranked twelve forward spots ahead of him!? Quite the bunch of nimrods they have on that ESPN fantasy staff.

5. John Tavares, 39th ranked forward, $14; remaining budget - $88: Without a witty or insulting comment to compliment my pick with besides, "How the FUCK is Christian Ehrhoff the 10th highest-rated defenseman in fantasy hockey~!~@>!~?" I feel that Tavares could have a sophomore year similar to Stamkos' in 2009-10. He appears to be the player with the most potential at this point in the draft. That being said, if Ehrhoff is the 10th ranked defenseman, who do I have to look forward to as my first defensive pick? Derek Meech?

6. Tuukka Rask, 8th ranked goalie, $12; remaining budget - $76: With more than half of my budget allocated to six players, I should change my team name to the Chicago Blackhawks (or the New York Rangers if I feel that winning is overrated). Rask may still be trying to prove himself as a number one goaltender, but the potential is there for him to have a strong season in Boston; whether it be from a high number of wins based on the Bruins' offensive gains during the offseason, or perhaps from a higher save percentage based on the Bruins' absence of a legitimate second and third pair of NHL defensemen. It could go either way, but he has too much talent to have a horrible season.

7. Ales Hemsky, 54th ranked forward, $10; remaining budget - $66: It seems that every year, people forget that Ales Hemsky is a talented hockey player. I mean, 36-point-man Derrick Brassard is ranked higher than Hemsky this season (as well as Spezza, Briere, Lecavalier, Vanek, and everyone else that is better than him beyond his ranking, which is every single player available). His health is always an issue, but based on the five forwards I have already, it's not as if I would lose all of my production if he finds the IR again.

8. Kimmo Timonen, 17th ranked defenseman, $9; remaining budget - $57: While he didn't live up to my expectations as a fifth round pick last season, Timonen is a very consistant defenseman. He provides a decent amount of offense and a sufficient amount of hits and blocked shots to go with it. He's a below average first d-man for fantasy's sake, but every fantasy team has their shortcommings (unless you're Sven, in which case you'd place in first every year even if Derrick Brassard is on your roster).

9. Wojtek Wolski, 76th ranked forward, $8;remaining budget - $49: I waited far too long to draft a left-winger. Fortunately, Wolski has the potential to break out in Phoenix and become a star performer. Again, nothing witty or insulting here; just a solid pick at this point in the draft.

10. Shea Weber, 21st(!?!?!?!?) ranked defenseman, $8; remaining budget - $41: It's idiotic to assume that Weber would fall this low. If such was the case, I would take him in a heartbeat. Realistically, I would likely take Claude Giroux, ranked two spaces below Weber.

11. Taylor Hall, 90th ranked forward, $6; remaining budget - $35: Drafting the 2010 1st overall pick could go one of two ways. Either he could perform like recent 1st overall picks (50-60 points), or find a way to perform at a higher level. IRREGARDLESS, Hall is a low-risk, decent-reward option this season.

12. Marc-Andre Fleury, 17th ranked goalie, $5; remaining budget - $30: Another surprisingly low pick, the additions of Martin and Michalek on Pittsburgh's back-end give the Pens the sort of shutdown capabilities that they haven't had since... oh, 2008 or so. There's a solid chance that Fleury and the Penguins will benefit from those additions.

13. Tyler Ennis, 98th ranked skater, $5; remaining budget - $25: An actual high-rish, high-reward situation, Ennis showed flashes of offensive brilliance in his short showing with Buffalo last season. If he can carry any of that over into this season, he has the potential to finish above fifty points, perhaps even higher. It also gives me a reason to say "See! I don't hate Buffalo, you moron! Why would I have a Sabre on my team if that were true!?".

14. Antoine Vermette, 109th ranked skater, $4; remaining budget - $21: It was a toss up between Vermette and 'Nucks left-winger Mason Raymond, but I chose Vermette based on his role with the Blue Jackets. Vermette could be seen as a top-three forward in Columbus, whereas Raymond holds it down on the second line. Even a five point difference is enough of a reason for me to choose Vermette at this point.

15. Ville Leino, 113th ranked skater, $3; remaining budget - $18: Leino was over a point-per-game in the 2010 playoffs. I can't expect him to come close to that this season, but 55 points is definitely possible. Here's hoping he doesn't disappear like he did in Detroit.

16. Marek Zidlicky, 46th ranked defenseman, $2; remaining budget - $16: Cheap and European; just how I like my hookers. Zid is a likely candidate for ten goals and forty points this season. Sounds like a fun time for only two bills. He could teach those skanks on William R. a thing or two on how to treat their owners.

17. David Perron, 129th ranked skater, $1; remaining budget - $14: St. Louis can't be lousy forever. I'm hoping this is the year they do more than get swept in the first round of the playoffs. Perron is a great break-out candidate, for he would be an important part of the Blues resurgance.

18. Bryan Little, 136th ranked skater, $0; remaining budget - still $14: With Atlanta looking for a new offensive leader, look to either Little or Bergfors to step up. Little has the edge in this situation and I wouldn't put it past him to repeat the 31-goal performance he had in 2008-09.

19. Rob Schremp, 143rd ranked skater, $0; same budget: Sven will probably draft him in round nine. I have no chance.

20. Erik Karlsson - 69th ranked defenseman, same figures: I finally get a homer pick! Karlsson finished the season strongly after the Olympics and finished at a point per game in the playoffs. He might benefit from playing the powerplay point with Gonchar this season and could finish above forty points.

21. Michael Frolik - 156th ranked skater, shut up: I drafted him last year in hopes that he would explode. I think I'll do the same thing this year. Don't judge me.

22. Anton Babchuk - 85th ranked defenseman: After ducking out of the LNH for a year, Babchuk finally agreed to a contract that is less than what he is worth. He was explosive towards the end of the 2008-09 season and could become a reliable source of offense for the Hurricanes yet again.

Welp, there you have it, friends! I had a whopping $14 remaining in my budget, which I used to split a case of Mtn Dew and family sized Tostitos chips and dip with Brian up at Young Patriots Park. If you'd like to play the same fun-fun-fun game and draft a dynasty, just respond with your selections in the comments section! Remember to follow the rules above and to honor the $180.00 budget, or else I'll slice your labias clean off.

Edmonton will miss the playoffs this year on the technicality of having less points.

During the Capitals/Bruins game today, Mike Emrick explains how the playoff seedings work.

There is quite a game that is going to take place later this afternoon...

Oh, right...the Rangers/Flyers game is today. You know, the one where the winner of the game makes the playoffs, and the loser doesn't. Yeah, I'd say that would be quite a game.

...In Chicago.

Oh. Nevermind.

If the Blackhawks win it, they will win the west on the technicality of having more wins.

"How the west was won" by Doc Emrick. No, I understand, the Hawks/Wings game will be important for playoff positioning, I was just expecting something different. In my opinion, when there are two teams fighting for the final playoff spot and they happen to be playing against each other on the last day of the regular season, that game would be the most important game of the day.

If Chicago wins it in overtime or in a shootout, Detroit would seal up 5th, on the technicality of more points.

So THAT'S how it works! More points! What a concept. So let me get this straight...Detroit will finish ahead of Nashville because they'll have...more points than Nashville! Now I know! Thanks, Doc!