My paycheque has suddenly become more significant!

What's that, boss? WOW! A paycheque of $252.71!? Just think of all of the things I can buy now! Maybe I could treat all of my friends to a meal at Denny's! Maybe I could eat four meals worth of Denny's all by myself! Or, perhaps I could buy thirty-four IDS Pro-Shot pucks and lose them all at tonight's game! Oh my goodness, I know what I'll do! I'll buy some star hockey players at super-low prices from ESPN-Mart! Always low prices! Always!

Unfortunately, I realized that I had to buy a few things (USA Hockey InLine Registration, Authentic Joe Thornton Bruins Jersey, Membership Fee for the Yves Racine Fan Club) so I'm left with only $180.00 to spend on my favorite players. Since I want a full team (twenty-two players), I have to find the players with the best value. Based on their pricing scale, let's come up with the best team possible based on my extensive knowledge of fantasy hockey!

Editor's Note: To keep things fair, I have kept this in a fantasy league format. Each pick represents a round and, obviously, I am only allowed to pick one player in each round. Following the flawless format of my colleagues, this is an assumed twelve-team format, which means I will be picking one of every twelve players on average. I have also reduced my budget to $180.00 as a result of the more spaced out selections. Does that make sense? No? Get over it. It's August and I'm delusional.
Team: Hamilton Dingos

1. Steven Stamkos, 4th ranked forward, $26; remaining budget - $154: While I really would have loved to have Ovechkin, I didn't feel like paying $6 more for the same amount of production in a far less attractive package. With Stamkos, not only do I get explosive offense, but I get a baby face to go with it! What a steal!

2. Marian Gaborik, 18th(!?) ranked forward, $18; remaining budget - $136: I tried buying Kovalchuk instead, but his barcode was all scratched up so I had to put him back in the FA aisle. They offered me a discount on Gaborik as a result of the inconvenience.

3. Patrick Marleau, 22nd ranked forward, $18; remaining budget - $118: This sale irritated me. I kept getting pestered with the "for one dollar less, you can walk away with the 5th ranked goaltender, Jimmy Howard!"offer. Much like this previous season, I'll try my luck with having solid offense and mediocre (if not, unproven) goaltending.

4. Bobby Ryan, 32nd ranked forward, $16; remaining budget - $102: I was a bit disappointed with this pick. I was expecting Joe Thornton to still be available once I saw Ryan's name at this price range. Can you believe that Thornton is ranked twelve forward spots ahead of him!? Quite the bunch of nimrods they have on that ESPN fantasy staff.

5. John Tavares, 39th ranked forward, $14; remaining budget - $88: Without a witty or insulting comment to compliment my pick with besides, "How the FUCK is Christian Ehrhoff the 10th highest-rated defenseman in fantasy hockey~!~@>!~?" I feel that Tavares could have a sophomore year similar to Stamkos' in 2009-10. He appears to be the player with the most potential at this point in the draft. That being said, if Ehrhoff is the 10th ranked defenseman, who do I have to look forward to as my first defensive pick? Derek Meech?

6. Tuukka Rask, 8th ranked goalie, $12; remaining budget - $76: With more than half of my budget allocated to six players, I should change my team name to the Chicago Blackhawks (or the New York Rangers if I feel that winning is overrated). Rask may still be trying to prove himself as a number one goaltender, but the potential is there for him to have a strong season in Boston; whether it be from a high number of wins based on the Bruins' offensive gains during the offseason, or perhaps from a higher save percentage based on the Bruins' absence of a legitimate second and third pair of NHL defensemen. It could go either way, but he has too much talent to have a horrible season.

7. Ales Hemsky, 54th ranked forward, $10; remaining budget - $66: It seems that every year, people forget that Ales Hemsky is a talented hockey player. I mean, 36-point-man Derrick Brassard is ranked higher than Hemsky this season (as well as Spezza, Briere, Lecavalier, Vanek, and everyone else that is better than him beyond his ranking, which is every single player available). His health is always an issue, but based on the five forwards I have already, it's not as if I would lose all of my production if he finds the IR again.

8. Kimmo Timonen, 17th ranked defenseman, $9; remaining budget - $57: While he didn't live up to my expectations as a fifth round pick last season, Timonen is a very consistant defenseman. He provides a decent amount of offense and a sufficient amount of hits and blocked shots to go with it. He's a below average first d-man for fantasy's sake, but every fantasy team has their shortcommings (unless you're Sven, in which case you'd place in first every year even if Derrick Brassard is on your roster).

9. Wojtek Wolski, 76th ranked forward, $8;remaining budget - $49: I waited far too long to draft a left-winger. Fortunately, Wolski has the potential to break out in Phoenix and become a star performer. Again, nothing witty or insulting here; just a solid pick at this point in the draft.

10. Shea Weber, 21st(!?!?!?!?) ranked defenseman, $8; remaining budget - $41: It's idiotic to assume that Weber would fall this low. If such was the case, I would take him in a heartbeat. Realistically, I would likely take Claude Giroux, ranked two spaces below Weber.

11. Taylor Hall, 90th ranked forward, $6; remaining budget - $35: Drafting the 2010 1st overall pick could go one of two ways. Either he could perform like recent 1st overall picks (50-60 points), or find a way to perform at a higher level. IRREGARDLESS, Hall is a low-risk, decent-reward option this season.

12. Marc-Andre Fleury, 17th ranked goalie, $5; remaining budget - $30: Another surprisingly low pick, the additions of Martin and Michalek on Pittsburgh's back-end give the Pens the sort of shutdown capabilities that they haven't had since... oh, 2008 or so. There's a solid chance that Fleury and the Penguins will benefit from those additions.

13. Tyler Ennis, 98th ranked skater, $5; remaining budget - $25: An actual high-rish, high-reward situation, Ennis showed flashes of offensive brilliance in his short showing with Buffalo last season. If he can carry any of that over into this season, he has the potential to finish above fifty points, perhaps even higher. It also gives me a reason to say "See! I don't hate Buffalo, you moron! Why would I have a Sabre on my team if that were true!?".

14. Antoine Vermette, 109th ranked skater, $4; remaining budget - $21: It was a toss up between Vermette and 'Nucks left-winger Mason Raymond, but I chose Vermette based on his role with the Blue Jackets. Vermette could be seen as a top-three forward in Columbus, whereas Raymond holds it down on the second line. Even a five point difference is enough of a reason for me to choose Vermette at this point.

15. Ville Leino, 113th ranked skater, $3; remaining budget - $18: Leino was over a point-per-game in the 2010 playoffs. I can't expect him to come close to that this season, but 55 points is definitely possible. Here's hoping he doesn't disappear like he did in Detroit.

16. Marek Zidlicky, 46th ranked defenseman, $2; remaining budget - $16: Cheap and European; just how I like my hookers. Zid is a likely candidate for ten goals and forty points this season. Sounds like a fun time for only two bills. He could teach those skanks on William R. a thing or two on how to treat their owners.

17. David Perron, 129th ranked skater, $1; remaining budget - $14: St. Louis can't be lousy forever. I'm hoping this is the year they do more than get swept in the first round of the playoffs. Perron is a great break-out candidate, for he would be an important part of the Blues resurgance.

18. Bryan Little, 136th ranked skater, $0; remaining budget - still $14: With Atlanta looking for a new offensive leader, look to either Little or Bergfors to step up. Little has the edge in this situation and I wouldn't put it past him to repeat the 31-goal performance he had in 2008-09.

19. Rob Schremp, 143rd ranked skater, $0; same budget: Sven will probably draft him in round nine. I have no chance.

20. Erik Karlsson - 69th ranked defenseman, same figures: I finally get a homer pick! Karlsson finished the season strongly after the Olympics and finished at a point per game in the playoffs. He might benefit from playing the powerplay point with Gonchar this season and could finish above forty points.

21. Michael Frolik - 156th ranked skater, shut up: I drafted him last year in hopes that he would explode. I think I'll do the same thing this year. Don't judge me.

22. Anton Babchuk - 85th ranked defenseman: After ducking out of the LNH for a year, Babchuk finally agreed to a contract that is less than what he is worth. He was explosive towards the end of the 2008-09 season and could become a reliable source of offense for the Hurricanes yet again.

Welp, there you have it, friends! I had a whopping $14 remaining in my budget, which I used to split a case of Mtn Dew and family sized Tostitos chips and dip with Brian up at Young Patriots Park. If you'd like to play the same fun-fun-fun game and draft a dynasty, just respond with your selections in the comments section! Remember to follow the rules above and to honor the $180.00 budget, or else I'll slice your labias clean off.

The bar has been set...

During the first period of tonight's Rangers/Devils game, they showed a graphic for Henrik Lundqvist's stats for his last seven starts. The topic brought on this exchange between the two commentators. These aren't exact quotes. I'm just trying to type what I heard, but it's close enough. Also, I don't know the names of the commentators, so we'll use some completely generic names.

Pilot Inspektor: "Is there a save percentage level that really defines the good goalies from the so-so goalies?"

Paradorn: ".920 is really the minimum save percentage to have to really say you're giving your teammates a chance to win. A really good save percentage level is around .940."

Ok. So three goalies in the league so far this year are posting "really good" save percentages. Are you ready? They are Anton Khudobin, Mike Brodeur, and Justin Peters. This trio has a combined 8 starts this year. I believe it might be worthwhile to eliminate Mr. Tremendousson's brother from another mother, small sample size. Let's try that.

Using a 20 game minimum as a requirement(which is still pretty conservative, since that's less than 1/3 of the club's games thus far), there are zero goalies that have a "really good" save percentage. In fact, Ryan Miller's league-leading .932% isn't even close to being "really good." Scoring must be up this year, because these lousy goalies just don't stack up. Vokoun? .930%? Don't make me laugh. Ha ha ha...too late!

Here is a list of the top save percentages in the NHL since save percentage became a stat, with a minimum of 30 games. Hasek's .937% in 1998-99 tops the list. Apparently we have yet to see a "really good" goalie. Can't wait! I know this guy Shane, and he's looking really promising. I don't know his last name, but I'm just saying, if there's a Shane in the NHL in a few years posting .940+ sv%, you read it here first. Also, there's this one kinda small guy who always wears a blue jersey...he's a beast when it comes to ball hockey. Speaking of small guys, there's another one who doesn't like to pay league fees. I heard he was interested in Matt's DVD player though.

Now, let's take a look at how many goalies are posting a .920+ save percentage, using the 20 game minimum as a guideline. Here's the list.

Ryan Miller, Tomas Vokoun, Evgeni Nabokov, Tuukka Rask, Jaroslav Halak, Jimmy Howard, Miikka Kiprusoff, Craig Anderson, Henrik Lundqvist, and Ilya Bryzgalov. Ten goalies are doing the "minimum to really say they're giving their teammates a chance to win," and two of them(Rask and Halak) aren't even leading their team in games played. How do teams even win with these lousy goalies? Bring back the trap! We need to get some decent goalies out there!

To be honest, I'm actually kinda surprised there are ten on this list. I expected it to be closer to five or six.

Could we stop talking about the Habs' birthday already?!

I'm aware that 100 years of hockey is quite the mark. I'm also aware that some of the greatest players to play the game have suited up for the bleu, blanc, et rouge. Twenty-four cups, 132 points/eight losses in one season, Jacques Plante's goalie mask, blah to the third power. I'm so impressed with you folks! It's been quite the 100 years!

Bullshit. I can assure you that whatever type of media they put out about this birthday will almost completely ignore the last fifteen years. If we are to remember the Canadiens for all their accomplishments over this last century, shouldn't it somehow include all of last century? TSN continues to peddle stories about the greatest Canadiens of all time. "Who is the best Habs player of all time?", "Who would you vote onto the all-time best Habs team?", "1994 through 2009? I must have been asleep for that, I couldn't tell you a thing about it!"

Tell me one good thing that Montreal has done since 1993... no, really, take your time! I'm gonna start preparing my Thanksgiving dinner while you're thinking about it...

... ... ...

(some time later)

Oh! You thought of something?... No? It's been three days man! All of our T-day leftovers have been shat out already and you can't think of one memorable moment during the last fifteen seasons? Well, I can't blame you for that. It has been a real shit-fest in La Belle Provence lately, and celebrators of this birthday have done a fantastic job at neglecting this.

During this fifteen year collection of mediocre hockey, Montreal has missed the playoffs six times (seven if you include last year... I'm not sure who those fellers were that wore Canadiens jerseys against Boston in the Quarterfinals), but of their nine playoff appearances they were eliminated in the first round six times. They haven't made it through the semi-finals since 1993 and look to continue their sub-par play through this season as well, currently holding an 11-11-1 record and want to continue trading away mildly consistant players for potential draft busts. In fact, things have gotten s'ordinary around town that rumours are as hopeful and ridiculous as ever.

With the 2009 Montreal Canadiens battling through injuries upon injuries (What, you didn't think that there would be some boo-boos to go around on a team with an average player build of around 5'2'' and 143 pounds? Shame on you!), it looks like we can continue to focus on all of the success that this team used to have, and the great players that used to grace their sheet of cold water. I'm sure that this will keep Bob Gainey from losing his job and random sedans from getting torched. You people are really desperate for something to cheer about, aren't you? Well, just be appreciative that you don't live in Buffalo.

Who would be on my Habs all-time team? Let's see if I can put one together from the last fifteen years instead.

C - Vincent Damphousse
W - Mark Recchi
W - Alex Koval...zzzzzz
D - Sheldon Souray
D - Andrei Markov
G - Olivier Michaud

Make sure you remember to pick up your jaws from off of the floor before you leave. I know you're impressed.

Now if you'll excuse me, I feel like ordering some Hockeytown tapes and eating gelato until I keel over from depression. My poor Detroit Red Wings! They could miss the playoffs! My life is over!....... /dead