Tyutin in Staals: Where bad hockey writers come to die.

Ever see that one Values.com commercial featuring Stu Grimson? Ya know, the one where he's in the dressing room with his team during intermission getting bitched at by his coach about how he needs to be more physical? Then he gets a phone call from his useless wife because she can't get their brat daughter to go to fucking sleep, so he has to sing The Itsy Bitsy Spider to her? Yeah. That one. I'm sure you have, it's like ten years old. Have you ever actually taken a look at how bad it is? 

I mean, I understand there's a stereotype that hockey players are tough, and they lose their teeth because of fighting and hockey sticks and pucks and manliness. But they couldn't just hire some dude with no front teeth to laugh for a couple seconds while a camera pans past him? Or just...not...do that? After all, Stu has all of his teeth, and he's Exhibit A for toughness and hockeyness and manness. I'm sure the writers were pretty proud of themselves when they came up with the idea to have a dude with no teeth, but was that really the selling point? The "must have" portion of the commercial that they couldn't do without regardless of how horrible it looks?

Look at these guys...enforcers...tough guys...fighters...manmen.

Tahir Domi

David Koci

Brian ShevDRAMACLUBrovich

Darren McCarty

Ben Willard

Notice anything about these guys? With the exception of one, they all have their teeth.

Now, a note for our loyal fans, for our dedicated followers. I'm sorry. We've reached a new low. We critique commercials now. We quote letters serial killers leave for their attorneys. It's been a long, slow, painful fall from the standard we used to keep for ourselves. Remember the glory days? Remember how current and relevant we used to be? Remember "What Have We, Vanna?" and "Twas the night before Playoffs."? Remember "Hi" and "Soggy Depends® Sports News of the Hoary Type"? What happened to us? I think we need some more veteran leadership. Someone to lead by example. 

Vince Vaughn Shoots Brent Sopel

Now, let's get this over with. Under great pressure from our courageous editor and chef, I've been forced to retract my previous comments. PATRICK KANE IS NOT ADDICTED TO PORN. Something about tremendous amounts of libel and slander, whatever. As the 1966 hits song from the Easybeats goes, "sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry."

Jimmer Fredette has announced that once he clears waivers he will be signing with the Chicago Bulls. Also, Ryan Miller in his debut start for the Blues, wept. The sight of someone not named Tyler Myers in front of him brought the man to tears. Any goaltender would rejoice, and trust me, Miller needed the pick me up, he was seen hours earlier in a park. 

He also went 23 of 25 and shot 92% from behind the arch in a win against Phoenix.

In other news, Corey Crawford's mask was stolen, prime suspect, no one cares, he probably deserved it.

Stay patient readers, I have requested a slight make-over to the blog. Renovations to include, a new background, or just, a background. 

Oh! Let me save some of you the trouble, "This is a hockey blog!" "You write weird." "Stop calling my mom." "Turn the heat down, it makes the house smell." "Shevrovich, u mad bruh?" "Jessica Simpson, pick a shape and stay there."

"Sailor Venus' Past, Minako's Tragic Love" - Sailor Moon, 1993

Hey there, Skateboard checking in with some newsworthy news shit. The people in this blogging community deserve answers. I get hounded all day long from our compassionate readers with questions like, "Yo, Marbles, when is Byfuglien having his middle toe cut off due to diabetes?" or "9-iron, I could really use some help on my Roth IRA from Fidelity, should I sell my shares of Noodles and Co?" or my favorite, I get this one all the time, "What's the correct pronunciation of bukkake, my friends give me shit for saying "boo-cake?"

I have news folks, I'm not intelligent. I don't know things. I'm not qualified to answer such delicate questions. However, last night, last night something magical happened. Call it premonition, call it a hunch, call it one of my friends fell ass first into Lake Superior. Just like I'm positive that I made out with and proposed to a girl named Minnesota in a coney island, I am positive that PATRICK KANE IS ADDICTED TO PORN. This will subsequently lead him to being traded or signed by his hometown team of Buffalo. Don't believe me? Follow me down this rabbit hole for a minute. 

Last night, while eating taquitos and listening to Conway Twitty, I had a vision of Patrick Kane in a Sabres jersey. I thought to myself, this can't be. I had to reassure myself that this will never happen, but then I saw the numbers. After the 2014-15 season, Toews and Kane are slated to become free agents. It is very possible that, with the growth in their respective cap hits, the Hawks may not be able to keep both of them. With Toews having more compete and greater clutchness, Kane is the obvious choice to go. 

But why Buffalo? Obvious reasons include, "they suck" and "he's from there." This reasoning just doesn't do it for me, so I did some exploring. Given Kane's history of partying, "bro" behavior, and being a dude, one can assume he delves into some smut filmography. To prove this theory I visited Buffalo's own, XXXPlay Place, an adult film entertainment and novelty store. Thanks to an anonymous employee I found 948 rentals signed out under the names, Kaner, PaddyKane and 1 under the name Jamal David Mayers. As if 948 porn rentals wasn't enough to prove an addiction, they were all the same film! That film you ask? "Bimbo Bowlers from Buffalo!"

Okay, so the guy likes some late 80's smut, what's the correlation to him playing in Buffalo? Calm down baby birds, mama's gonna feed ya. As I was leaving XXXPlay Place with an oddly shaped lollipop and and weird itch, I ran into none other than Randy West, a New York native and star of such films as 1994's "The Butt Sisters Do Detroit", "Once Upon an Anal" and yes, "Bimbo Bowlers from Buffalo." I had a chance to talk to Mr. West over a Jamba Juice and he had some insider information. At an autograph signing in late 2013 Kane was a visitor of Mr. West's table. The two had a chance to chat, other than Kane showing his appreciation for Mr. West as an actor, he assured him that when his contract expires the only team he will sign with is the Buffalo Sabres. Kane went on to explain that he wanted to be closer to the adult film industry that he loved so much and that in order to get full use of his Play Place MVP card he needed to be closer to the establishment.

There it is, it comes full circle. Whether you believe in the outcome or not is up to you, but when Randy West puts his name to something, I believe it.

Marbles.

Updated Standings: Fantasy Sochi Olympics

Check out how far behind me you all are right here:

The race for 2nd place

Got'em right where we want'em!

I was listening to the Canucks/Sharks game on my way home from work tonight, and during second intermission, the guys from "The Team 1040am" caught up with James Sheppard for a quick interview. It went like this, slightly paraphrased:

Down 4-2 after two, seems like unfamiliar territory for you guys, huh?

Yeah, I think for the most part we have been ahead, but we need to be able to thrive in all situations, so the more we find ourselves in this situation the better off we'll be.

Um. I disagree.

Hi. These are our posts for the 2013-14 season.  Couple of good ones! See ya next year!

Remember that one time, when Todd Bertuzzi...wait, I must be confused.

Is it a game of inches? I guess so, you gotta live right to find the back of the net sometimes and Bertuzzi is doing well. –Mickey Redmond

Todd Bertuzzi. Living right. I hear that's the best revenge.

Brian ShevDRAMACLUBrovich is having a nice season!

Tough game against Blades of Steel though. No surprise there.