Thank You, Jebus.

If the playoffs were to start today, cool things would happen. Also, not cool things would happen. Cool things like Dallas, Columbus, Minnesota & Tampa all making it to the big dance.  Not cool things like Philadelphia and Detroit also making it to the no-pants party. One not cool thing in particular would happen however, Vancouver wouldn't make it. 

Now, lets talk about all the reason why Vancouver wouldn't make it. Or just list them, either way.

• Zac Dalpe has only 7 points in 54 games, c'mon Zac!
• Yanin Sauve only has 0 points in his three games, as some bands road manager said once when lead singer John Willard Monak quipped about the inauspicious-ness of Occam's Razor, "Get your shit together Yanin!"
• Goalie, Joacim Eriksson has a 10.00 GAA in 36 minutes of playing time. Spent some time at Puckgozynski's Goalie Camp this summer did we?
• Benn Ferriero doesn't have any short handed points in two appearances this season. The FUCK man!

And that's it. No other reason for them potentially not making it aside from these bums.

In other news, Toews is sitting for the rest of the season with, from what I've been told John, an upper penile injury. Now, my source didn't say whether or not by upper they meant closer to the base or tip so, mystery unsolved.

Also, Jake McCabe will forgo his senior season at Wisconsin after signing a deal with the Sabres. He's coming off a career best 25 point season, eight of those being goals! Move over Tyler Myers, this guy is ready to NEVER PLAY IN THE NHL, is what we would be saying if he was on any other team but Buffalo, HA!

Matt Duchene is out for 4 weeks after his face was stuck from chugging mega cock.

Till next time, stop sending me boob pics.

-Marbles

Beer. NHL Draft. Boston Wrong. Accurate Predictions.

I must say, fellas, we put out some solid material this season! The six blog posts that span from the end of the lockout until the moment I decided to see if our site had been shut down from inactivity congeal into a beautiful tale of everything this compact season had to offer.  Did anyone else see that Ovechkin surpassed his offensive projection for this season? INSANE!

Today, as we recover from the delirium of last night's spectacle (I always vomit whenever Bryan Bickell scores a goal), I've already grown impatient waiting for next season to start. In order to satisfy that empty feeling, I have some jerk chicken in the oven.  Until that's ready, I guess I'll make some predictions about this Sunday's NHL Draft... yes, it'll be this Sunday.  I AM THE PROPHET.

Since I haven't signed up for Twitter to find out the latest trade buzz regarding this year's draft picks (specifically to discover which GM will be savvy enough to grab all three of Calgary's first round picks in exchange for a Shop Vac, heavy duty sponges, and Jaroslav Mo-Dry), my predictions will follow the constraint that no picks will be moved. Without further ado, and with my dinner starting to brown, let's hurry this shit along.

1. Colorado Avalanche select C Nathan MacKinnon, Halifax (QMJHL)
While this pick doesn't make much sense with regard to organizational depth, enough articles have been posted suggesting that the Avalanche will make this offensive wunderkind their first selection.  MacKinnon has been exceptionally productive through his past two seasons in the Q and took his game to an elite level by potting a hat trick to help secure the Memorial Cup for his Mooseheads back in May.  A fantastic set of hands complement his dynamic skating ability, and is seen by many--particularly some retired NHL stars in Denver--as the can't-miss prospect in this draft.

2. Florida Panthers select D Seth Jones, Portland (WHL)
I actually had the (dis)pleasure of seeing this kid play while I visited Portland in December.  Portland spotted a respectable 57-12-1-2 record this past season, and I experienced one of those elusive regulation loses from the front row of the Rose Garden.  Knowing this big, mobile, offensive blueliner was all the rage leading up to this draft, I kept my eyes on him.  Whether from the weight of my eyeballs or his Beats by Dre headphones, Jones' performance was unimpressive.  This, alone, is why he will fall to the #2 pick in this draft.

3. Tampa Bay Lightning select LW Jonathan Drouin, Halifax (QMJHL)
Martin St. Louis likely only has eight or ten season left under his belt.  When the day finally comes that he retires due to lack of interest and competition, Drouin could make a great replacement.  His vision and playmaking abilities are exemplary, which means great things for Tampa's snipers.  Expect five (career) goals from Radko Gudas if this kid can stay with the Bolts all season.

4. Nashville Predators select C Aleksander Barkov, Tappara (Fin.)
After somehow managing to finish the season with an entire ECHL roster, now is the time for Nashville to find their first NHL-caliber forward since 2007.  Barkov has the ability to dictate the tempo from game to game and provides a strong net presence, often leading to offense on his behalf.  He was a top performer in SM-liiga as a 17-year-old and will likely be Nashville's top performer as an 18-year-old.

5. Carolina Hurricanes select LW Valeri Nichushkin, Chelyabinsk (KHL)
Extremely skilled Russian.  Russians are scary and hate the NHL.  Alex Semin can speak Russian.  Problem Solved. 

6. Calgary Flames select C Sean Monahan, Ottawa (OHL)
After shipping out (Ha! Get it?! SHIPPING OUT... because of the flood... ... ...jerks) their most-recent face of the franchise (so unfortunate that Bouwmeester couldn't make it to the semi-finals), Calgary is in need of a player around whom they can rebuild their decrepit roster.  Monahan probably won't be that player, but he has been a consistent 2-way forward in the OHL for three seasons and shows a lot of upside.  He also possesses a reliable scoring touch and provides great leaderSHIP (this pick seems like more of a guarantee by the minute).

7. Edmonton Oilers sele...

Shit, my chicken is ready.

"A PALTRY OFFENSIVE SHOWING BY ALEX OVECHKIN!"

Having already doubled his projected goal total for the '13 season, expect a staggering influx of endorsement dollars for Alex Ovechkin from the likes of Nike, Adidas, and K-Y Yours & Mine lubricant.

Like a locked out Bruin...

I'm out of my hibernation. Expect some more from us (well, me) real, real, real soon. Hockey's back, all-right!

Moves Like Malkin, part 4?

I don't think I saw Cikiradi in the league's realignment plans for next season. It's a shame, really, since Edler won't be able to rack up those easy points against 'em.

This is our post for 2011.

Hi.

During today's Rangers/Senators game, the commentators were talking about how lucky the Rangers have been to be .500 considering how bad their offense has been. They noted how rare it is for a team to be in that position when they're 29th in the league offensively. There are two problems with that.

First of all, they're not .500. They're 3-3-2. That's .375. If a team went ".500" throughout the year they'd finish with 82 points and miss the playoffs. Minnesota went 4 games over ".500" last year and finished 12th in the western conference.

Second, it's not a terrible thing for a team to be bad offensively. Some teams are built to focus on defense. I compiled a list of teams who have struggled offensively the past few years and finished with a ".500" record.

Season, Team, Goals/Gm, Rank, Record, Made Playoffs?

2009-10, Boston, 2.39, 30th, 39-30-13, Yes
2009-10, Calgary, 2.45, 29th, 40-32-10, No
2008-09, NY Rangers, 2.44, 28th, 43-30-9, Yes
2007-08, Anaheim, 2.40, 28th, 47-27-8, Yes
2007-08, New Jersey, 2.42, 27th, 46-29-7, Yes
2007-08, NY Rangers, 2.50, 25th, 42-27-13, Yes
2007-08, Boston, 2.51, 24th, 41-29-12, Yes
2006-07, New Jersey, 2.51, 27th, 49-24-9, Yes
2005-06, Calgary, 2.63, 27th, 46-25-11, Yes

You'll notice some repeat offenders on this list(Calgary, New Jersey, Boston, NEW YORK RANGERS). This is clearly an indication that a defensively minded team can succeed in the league.

Cheer up, the Rangers will be fine.

Better even later than ever later than that.

Here's the Feastern half of my incredibly accurate, absolutely plausible 53/82nds season predictions.

WASHINGTON Currently 1st Will finish2nd and 4th

Officials become confused after seeing Washington play Pittsburgh for the 16th time on NBC or Vs. and start placing Washington in the Atlantic division. After realizing 8 eastern teams don't deserve to make the playoffs, Washington is awarded the Atlantic division and the 4 seed for placing 2nd in their own division (SEE: ATLANTA). Also, Nicklas Backstrom looks like a woman.

NEW JERSEY Currently 2nd Will finish11th

Martin Brodeur is the greatest goaltender of all time. His career in no way reflects the style or strength of teams past. It was all him. New Jersey will lose the rest of their games 0 to (-1) because Brodeur has never let in a goal in his NHL career he is the best of all time he's a winner he is the all time winner of all time forever.

BUFFALO! Currently 3rd Will finishSABRES!

Thanks to a BUFFALO! Hall-of-Fame 2nd half BUFFALO! from leading SABRES! scorer LaFountain and best-defenseman-BUFFALO!-in-league efforts SABRES! from Craig "The Frog" Rivit, SABRES! BUFFALO! BUFFALO! SABRES! SABRES!......SABRES!

SABRES!

PITTSBURGH Currently 4th Will finish10th

Incredibly loud 5 am sirens from nearby Monroeville will make Sidney Crosby's face retarded after the game. Malkin is a suckasaurus. I hope Guerin's face explodes. Now under the pressure of being a big-time-mega-awesome-playoff goaltender SABRES! Marc-Andre Fleury will fold and suck for once, twice, three times a lady.

OTTAWA Currently (some-fucking-how) 5th Will finish 14th

With a roster chock full of perennial all-star talent such as Jonathan Cheechoo, Chris Neil, Chris Kelly, Ryan Shannon, Chris Campoli, Mike Fisher, Terry Carkner, Shean Donovan, Nick Foligno, Filip Kuba, Peter Regin, and Anton Volchenkov the hockey world will be turned upside down as Ottawa somehow tumbles to the 14 seed. Despite M.SABRES!Brodeur, the best all-time goalie, Ottawa's descent will shock and surprise the hockey world. The media will blame Ray Emery.

PHILDELPHIA Currently 6th Will finish9th
Philadelphia will have a great run going up until the last week of the season, when their gentlemanly play costs them a few wins. After Dan "Frolick Through the Tulips" Carcillo and Ian "Save the Whales" Laperriere are humming a sonnet during a team timeout, they miss Peter "It's pronounced Kovalchook" Laviolette's play call, leading to a key goal in a tough loss. When Arron Asham, Chris Pronger, and Riley Cote hold hands and play ring-around-the-goal-mouth during an opposing power play, (the penalty of course was on Scott Hartnell for delay of game when he tried to free a hockey puck back into the wild) it leads to a crushing OT loss to the Rangers on the last play of the season.

FLORIDA Currently 7th Will finish 7th

During a game in April against SABRES! Boston, with a potential playoff spot on the line, defenseman Keith Ballard gets really pissed off and and starts helicoptering down the middle of the ice. As Bruins clear the way, Cory Stillman tosses a beautiful saucer pass to the front of the net that Ballard chops in for a goal. Bruins goaltender Tim Thomas gets surprisingly angered that he let in a goal and starts grabbing things and breaking them over his knee including (but not limited to): his goal stick, the goal posts, the blue line, David Booth's brains, SABRES!, and Tuukka Rask.

ATLANTA Currently 8th Will finish 1st

When I wake up tomorrow morning, Ilya Kovalchuk will've signed a multi-year deal to stay in Atlanta. Rich Peverley will continue to be amazing and Maxim Afinogenov will hang out with me and play some tennis. Bored with how much better they are than everyone else, Enstrom will start trying back hand one timers from the point on power plays and Todd White will start blindfolding himself during the shootout, just to make it a challenge.

NY RANGERS Currently 9th Will finish 12th

With Lundqvist, Gaborik and Avery posing for mens magazines, it's up to young Chad Deuxneuf to lead the team to the playoffs. His post-save celebrations will lead to several league-sanctioned fines, unsportsmanlike conducts, and delay-of-game penalties causing many short-handed situations. John Tortorella will take up swimming due to his budding business and his love of water.

MONTREAL Currently 10th Will finish 13th

Ending the 100th year anniversary of Lecavalier-to-Montreal trade rumo(u)rs, the Habs finally land him in a trade in exchange for the Russian Mob and a few scandalous party photos. With these potential distractions out of the way, it would appear clear that the door is wide open for a trip back to the post season. However, as the Habs climb into the 8th spot with a month left, fans riot in celebration of another potential trip to the postseason; something incredibly rare in Montreal's long, losing history. The riots eventually end when the Centre Bell is set on fire and implodes before the season is over.

BOSTON Currently 11th Will finish 8th
Despite the path of destruction left by Tim Thomas in an April 1st game against Florida, the team makes good ol' Irish boy and regularly sized person Zden O'Chara stand in front of the net and act as a goalie. As the season ends, the team is the 9 seed, however Satan threatens to make all the SABRES! teams from the US (or its affiliated territories such as but not limited to Puerto Rico.) move to Canada. The power of Satan compels him, and Bettman grants Boston the 8 seed.

TAMPA BAY Currently 12th Will finish 6th
With perennial #1 fantasy pick Alex Tanguay, this team can do no SABRES! wrong. The properly named Mike Goalie (he plays goalie) will be strong enough down the stretch against the absolutely stiffest competition in the league (Southeast Division). And of course, Ohlund is english for Ohlund, but Mattias is english for 0 goals this year.

NY ISLANDERS Currently 13th Will finish 15th
Upon reading the newest issue of USA Today, affluent gambler (he's great at Roulette) David Williard thinks he has won a small wager with cross-casino rival (breeds and trains electronic horses) Rjntk Rjnsky when he sees the Islanders in the 15 seed, surely that must be last in the conference, mus'n't?

CAROLINA Currently 14th Will finish 5th

Despite being in the world's toughest division, the great team that is Carolina will find a way into the playoffs again. With such a star-studded roster, it's a wonder this team ever misses. The White Sox of the NHL only miss due to piss-poor luck and terrible calls from referees. This year they might just go all the way. They've always got the talent.

TORONTO Currently 15th Will finish: not Phil Kessel
Phil Kessel always turned in his math homework incompleted. Phil Kessel can never tell you how the movie ends. Phil Kessel has never had an orgasm. Phil Kessel, when invited over for Thanksgiving dinner, unbuckled his belt, leaned back and released a long sigh with a plate half full of food. When asked which country do you wish you were from, Phil replied, "Not Finland." Phil has 11 songs half written and half recorded. The Leaves will only play 81 games this season, voiding their season and making them the SABRES! 16 seed. PAY UP, BITCH.