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I was applying gynecomastia treatment to my abnormally large breasts and looking at about 50 photos of my friend’s balls the other day when I realized my life to this point hasn’t turned out how I expected.  In an attempt to improve short-term morale, I decided to watch YouTube videos of Sergei Fedorov, Alexander Frolov, Slava Voynov, Artem Anisimov, Valentin Zykov, Vyacheslav Kozlov, Nik Antropov, Sergei Kolosov, Anton Belov, Vladimir Denisov, Vladimir Zharkov, Denis Grebeshkov, Kirill Kabanov, Jed Ortmeyer, Leo Komarov, Nikita Kucherov, Andrei Loktionov, Maxim Goncharov, Igor Makarov, Maksim Mayorov, Dmitry Orlov, Mike Smith, Alexander Radulov, Andrei Markov, Anton Volchenkov, Sergei Zubov, Nail Yakupov, Dmitry Kulikov, Alexei Ponikarov, Brian Lashov, Sergei Bobrov, Grigor Dimitrov, Alex Dolgopolov, Alex Bogomolov, and Sara Errani. This, of course, didn’t help. At all. I don’t know why I thought it would. Those guys are all stupid. Except for Mike Smith. He’s pretty cool. But it did, for some reason or another, have me thinking about my blogging colleagues. Which is nice, I like those guys. But then I started thinking about my friend’s balls again...

FireDacque

Lend Me Your Ears

As I sit here and watch a commercial about gynecomastia, the growth of abnormally large breast in men, I can't help but think of my blogging colleagues. Dacque was right, we do need some leadership in this outfit. These rag-tag shenanigans must come to an end. So I, Marbles, will step up to the microphone and Karen Newman these sorry sons of bitches back to glory! Prepare to hockey and only hockey.

The New York Rangers confirmed on Wednesday that Chris Kreider’s hand injury, suffered three games ago against the Columbus Blue Jackets, is going to keep him shelved for at least the team’s next five games. J.T. Miller has been recalled from Hartford in the AHL.Steve Zipay of Newsday says "team doctors are still deciding whether..."

It's been just over a week since Pittsburgh Penguins defenseman Kris Letang rejoined his teammates at practice after suffering a stroke on Jan. 29. After finishing a blood-thinner treatment and being further evaluated by doctors, he's been cleared to play again; but the decision on when he returns to the lineup is now solely with him.

From the Tribune-Review:“It's going to be my call,” he said. “It's all about when I feel ready.”Letang, 26, said he will “still have to meet with the doctors” — as a precautionary checkup — before entering game action but said he will....

Being a Toronto Maple Leafs fan must be one of the life’s most confounding situations.

There you go, no fuss no muss no coconuts. No more fun, hell, not even my words, I copied these from Puck Daddy because Dacque wants to kill the very essence of what makes us the writers we are. You don't like reading about P-Kane's porno problem? You don't like reading notes I leave for you detailing how I want to murder you but were actually written by an early 1900's serial killer? Maybe you should choose a different blog to contribute to, because here, in this world, porno isn't only for pyros, it's for Patrick Kane...and pyros.

Tyutin in Staals: Where bad hockey writers come to die.

Ever see that one Values.com commercial featuring Stu Grimson? Ya know, the one where he's in the dressing room with his team during intermission getting bitched at by his coach about how he needs to be more physical? Then he gets a phone call from his useless wife because she can't get their brat daughter to go to fucking sleep, so he has to sing The Itsy Bitsy Spider to her? Yeah. That one. I'm sure you have, it's like ten years old. Have you ever actually taken a look at how bad it is? 

I mean, I understand there's a stereotype that hockey players are tough, and they lose their teeth because of fighting and hockey sticks and pucks and manliness. But they couldn't just hire some dude with no front teeth to laugh for a couple seconds while a camera pans past him? Or just...not...do that? After all, Stu has all of his teeth, and he's Exhibit A for toughness and hockeyness and manness. I'm sure the writers were pretty proud of themselves when they came up with the idea to have a dude with no teeth, but was that really the selling point? The "must have" portion of the commercial that they couldn't do without regardless of how horrible it looks?

Look at these guys...enforcers...tough guys...fighters...manmen.

Tahir Domi

David Koci

Brian ShevDRAMACLUBrovich

Darren McCarty

Ben Willard

Notice anything about these guys? With the exception of one, they all have their teeth.

Now, a note for our loyal fans, for our dedicated followers. I'm sorry. We've reached a new low. We critique commercials now. We quote letters serial killers leave for their attorneys. It's been a long, slow, painful fall from the standard we used to keep for ourselves. Remember the glory days? Remember how current and relevant we used to be? Remember "What Have We, Vanna?" and "Twas the night before Playoffs."? Remember "Hi" and "Soggy Depends® Sports News of the Hoary Type"? What happened to us? I think we need some more veteran leadership. Someone to lead by example. 

Vince Vaughn Shoots Brent Sopel

Now, let's get this over with. Under great pressure from our courageous editor and chef, I've been forced to retract my previous comments. PATRICK KANE IS NOT ADDICTED TO PORN. Something about tremendous amounts of libel and slander, whatever. As the 1966 hits song from the Easybeats goes, "sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry."

Jimmer Fredette has announced that once he clears waivers he will be signing with the Chicago Bulls. Also, Ryan Miller in his debut start for the Blues, wept. The sight of someone not named Tyler Myers in front of him brought the man to tears. Any goaltender would rejoice, and trust me, Miller needed the pick me up, he was seen hours earlier in a park. 

He also went 23 of 25 and shot 92% from behind the arch in a win against Phoenix.

In other news, Corey Crawford's mask was stolen, prime suspect, no one cares, he probably deserved it.

Stay patient readers, I have requested a slight make-over to the blog. Renovations to include, a new background, or just, a background. 

Oh! Let me save some of you the trouble, "This is a hockey blog!" "You write weird." "Stop calling my mom." "Turn the heat down, it makes the house smell." "Shevrovich, u mad bruh?" "Jessica Simpson, pick a shape and stay there."