Quickie.

I was watching the Colorado feed of the Flames/Avalanche game tonight, and Iginla had just scored his second goal of the game, putting the Flames ahead 8-1. The announcer, who I think was Mike Haynes, had this to say about the situation:

"If they can stay healthy, keep playing like this...they'll be in the hunt for a playoff spot."

Oh really Mikey? All they have to do is keep scoring 8 goals per game? And they'll be "in the hunt" for a playoff spot? How about this...even if they lose half of their team to injury and they don't score a goal for 13 consecutive games, they'll still be "in the hunt" for a playoff spot. Why? Because every team is in the hunt for a playoff spot. That's kind of the whole point of the regular season, to make the playoffs. So until you clinch a playoff spot, you're still "in the hunt" for one. But yeah, I'd say if they keep scoring 8 goals per game(the final was actually 9-1), their chances of making the playoffs are pretty good. Thanks a lot for unleashing such a bold prediction.

Idiots, and the people who listen to them

It only took four days for the new TV contract between the NHL and Lifetime to spark the drama that this season had lacked for so long. Not only does Nick Kypreos hit the nail on the head, but he's an idiot, a moron, and outspoken and I hate him and he's a guy and he did not hit the nail on the head, shut up. This is garbage.


Oh, right.


Hi.


Happy February.


Back to business. Yay!

Nick Kypreos is a Stanley Cup champion and Hockeycentral analyst

For the record, I believe that the requirements to have your name etched on the Stanley Cup (at least during the 90s) called for at least forty regular season games played or one Cup-Final game played. Kypreos played fifty-six games that season, tallying an unheard of three goals and eight points between the Whalers and Rangers. He also suited up for game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals in '94, as well as two other playoff games that year. It can be inferred that New York reached the summit of greatness that year only as a result of the electric, graceful, no-shots-on-goal-with-zeroes-across-the-board effort from Kypreos in that game seven. Credit well deserved. Now I see why Alfredsson, Iginla, Richards, Havlat, and Ryan Smyth haven't reached that level. Just sit back, do nothing, and you're a winner. Thanks, Nick!

Sorry for getting carried away. The show must go on.

The interest in this year's NHL all-star weekend was for all the wrong reasons. Drafts are supposed to be about who is picked first -- not last, yet that was the focus Friday night in the televised proceedings ahead of Sunday's game. I give the league and the players credit for trying something different, but not at the expense of someone's pride and reputation.

"Welcome to the 2011 NHL Fantasy-fuck-everyone-else-and-let's-make-fun-of-who-gets-picked-last-Draft, provided by Versus! I'm Mike Emrick, and I hate Phil Kessel! For the next hour, as well as the next three days, we will be providing exclusive and unprecedented coverage of Mr. Irrelevant, Phil Kessel! To follow the theme of this new All-Star Game format, we won't just focus on how terrible Phil Kessel is as a hockey player and how awful his team has been this season, but we will also address how terrible MLSE management has been, how unprofessional it is that Phil Kessel isn't wearing a tie, how stupid his hair looks, how feminine he is after losing that testicle, how he--like every girlfriend (boyfriend) he's ever had--never finishes (OHHH BURNZ!), and how appropriately girly his new Honda will be! I hate Phil Kessel!"

Make no mistake about it, Phil Kessel and the Toronto Maple Leafs organization took a very big one for the league Friday night. I really felt for Kessel and the rest of the guys who sat there in the final few chairs, squirming to avoid being last. The $20,000 charity donation is always a great thing, but giving him a car is like giving a prize for most honest score at a golf scramble event.

Based on his contract, Phil Kessel earns $14,794.52 a day, everyday (offseason included), until June 30, 2014. I make just over half of that in an entire year. AN ENTIRE YEAR. To think that sitting in a chair for an extended period of time is too much to bear for a guy with that sort of income is just ridiculous. Income aside, it was anticipated that he would be picked last before the damn thing even started! Every Leaf fan this side of Venus is making their claim of which players they would have looked over in order to select Kessel. Short list includes Paul Stastny, Loui Eriksson, David Backes, Matt Duchene, Patrick Elias, Anze Kopitar, Corey Perry, Martin Havlat, Erik Karlsson, Brent Burns, Claude Giroux, Keith Yandle, Kris Letang, Brad Richards, Jeff Skinner, Dan Boyle, Jonathan Toews, Patrick Sharp, Dustin Byfuglien, Marc Staal, Danny Briere, Rick Nash, Zdeno Chara, Shea Weber, Henrik and Daniel Sedin, Duncan Keith, Steven Stamkos, and Alex Ovechkin.

It is obvious that this new format was invented with the sole intent of embarrassing Phil Kessel and the Toronto Maple Leafs. And to be honest, I'm sure he was quite humbled at winning a car/charity donation for being selected last. Almost $15,000 in daily salary would keep me from getting upset, alone. Throw in a donation toward "the battle" against testicular cancer and a car, and I'm sure he was quite pleased with his weekend. He can confirm this for me:

"I get to go out there and play, just go out there and play the game," Kessel said. "Honestly, (being picked last) doesn't matter. ... We're just happy to be here. It means you're doing pretty well, I guess."

Such is the case. I would assume that this is a better situation for the Maple Leafs rather than having no representative at all. If the Toronto Maple Leafs are that concerned with their presence in the All-Star Weekend, give Nazem Kadri a call up in December; he'd have a strong chance of cracking the rookie squad. There were a few players that deserved the last spot over Kessel (Backstrom, Mike Richards, Mike Ribeiro... ouch, Teemu Selanne, Mikko Koivu, and perhaps a couple others). It's my belief that most of those players would not get picked last in that situation, though. So what does this tell me? Phil Kessel is not an All-Star.

Back to the original article, unfortunately.

I don't think any player should have to go through that again. The label of "last player picked" is now something he will have to carry through his career. And when it comes to Kessel and the continuing debate about the trade that brought him to Toronto, the Leafs' organization needed that like a hole in the head. As if the Leafs' year wasn't bad enough, add this cherry on top of the sundae.

Hahaha, his whole career~!? Amazing. This isn't an amputated leg, diabetes, or herpes. He was the last selection of the 2011 National Hockey League All-Star Game. Such a distinction can only fuck you over for the rest of your life. Perhaps the Kessel trade wasn't the best move that Burke has made, but it definitely isn't the worst. Kessel goes from playing alonside Marc Savard and Milan Lucic 2008-09, to being lined up with either Tyler Bozak and Nikolai Kulemin or Matt Stajan and Alexei Ponikarovsky in 2009-10. Now he's most frequently lined up with Tyler Bozak and JOEY CRABB. I'm sorry if he isn't putting up the numbers you expect from a guy with his salary. That he even has 19 goals and 34 points this season is an accomplishment in itself. Bring in a true number one center, and the 70-point range is a strong possibility. From there, it would be possible that he and the aforementioned number one center are selected for the 2012 All-Star Game, and both are unlikely to be selected last. Problem solved. If the title of "Mr. Irrelevant" in the 2011 All-Star Game is too much for the organization, the pundits, and the fans to bear, then take the proper steps in order to avoid that situation the following season. The Maple Leafs all but set themselves up for this scenario.

I know some say no big deal, and to that I say you're right if the last player was Jeff Skinner from the Carolina Hurricanes or Paul Stastny from the Colorado Avalanche, but because it was a Leaf I say you're wrong.

Selecting Skinner for the All-Star Game may have been a bit of a reach, but playing this well as an eighteen year-old should not be looked over. Also, with Eric Staal as a team captain, and Raleigh playing the role of host to this year's festivities, Skinner was a lock to be an earlier selection. Unless Cam Ward is actually the best goalie in the league this year...

And, to be frank, Paul Stastny is a better hockey player than Phil Kessel. I'll go as far as to say that Stastny is one of the more underrated players in the league at this point, and a complete player in my eyes. I'm sorry that the better player was picked in this situation.

Toronto's market can ill afford to take any more hits. Leaf fans already know where they stand on the scale of respectability, and a Leaf being picked last is another shot at a once-storied franchise. Watching Alex Ovechkin taking a cell phone picture as Patrick Kane announced "with the last pick," you start to wonder how many around the league quietly enjoyed Kessel's humiliation.

While I can't be 100% certain in this regard, but if Kessel is picked before Stastny, I bet Ovechkin still whips out his Blackberry camera with the same childish delight. Phil Kessel isn't the fat kid in overalls getting kicked at recess, nor is he Smalls in the beginning of The Sandlot. He was simply the least-successful player of this year's All-Star bunch. Technically, this makes him the 36th best skater in the NHL this season. In a league with over 900 players, that's quite the accomplishment. Any respectability that Toronto possesses will not be lost as a result of the events that took place last weekend. It's how the Toronto players, staff, and media respond to these events that could and likely will have negative results. Keep on keepin' on, Nick!

All may not be lost though. If the league's motivation was for guys to actually push harder during the game, no one will have more to prove than No. 81 from the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Zero points and three shots in over fifteen minutes of ice time. Keith Yandle was the only other player not to register a point for Team Lidstrom. Atta boy, Phil!

Nick Kypreos, all you did was make this situation worse by providing your grudge-holding, teenage-minded opinion on this matter to the open world. Save it for your diary next time.

Hi

Happy New Year.

Sign him up for the Hall of Fame.

Chris Osgood is one of the best goalies in the world. The current world population is about 6.8 billion people, and he's probably a better goalie than 99% of them. He's definitely better than I am, and he's probably better than most of my friends. I'd say he's as good, maybe even better than most male goalies. That's impressive, I guess. But is he good enough for the Hall of Fame?

Osgood participated in a hockey game tonight, and his team was victorious. It was the 400th time this has happened in his NHL career. A lot of people are making a big deal out of it. They make sure to point out that he's only the 10th goalie in the history of the NHL to do such a thing. That is true, but it's not like there's a huge group of goalies stuck on 399 wins, and he finally passed them all. He's also the 10th goalie in the history of the NHL to record 399 career wins, 396 career wins and 392 career wins, so what makes 400 more special? I don't get it. Is it because 400 is a prettier looking number?

Those who are in favor of putting Osgood in the Hall tend to look at these impressive numbers:
400 wins
3 Stanley Cup Championships


Those who are in favor of using their brains look at these impressive numbers.
Ranked 11 out of 45 goalies in save% from 1994-97. Relatively impressive, he managed to squeeze into the top 25 percentile. Surely it has to get better than that though for a Hall of Fame goalie.
Ranked 21 out of 42 goalies in save% from 1998-2001. Well, that's pretty average. That's exactly right in the middle of the pack, among goalies like Tom Barrasso and Roman Turek. It must get better from there.
Ranked 37 out of 55 goalies in save% from 2002-04. That's under average! For three years, this "Hall of Fame" goalie was in the bottom half of the league in save percentage! Well, maybe his twilight years were better. Let's find out.
Ranked 51 out of 58 goalies in save% from 2006-11. ...I don't even know what to say.

Let's recap. For four years, he was decent. Not good, but decent. For four years, he was average. For nine years, he was one of the worst goalies in the league. Sounds good. Sign him up.

Hi

Merry Christmas.

Sometimes when I go to the bank

I fill out my deposit slip by hand. Occasionally, I'll carry a 1 instead of a 2 and I'll have the wrong number. Here's what Rotowire.com said about Martin Havlat after Monday night's 2-point game:

Havlat's scored with the man advantage early in the third and counted as the game winner. This was the first power-play goal at home for the Wild in over a month. Havlat is on pace to be somewhere around the 60-point mark at the end of the year.

He has 30 points in 32 games. Now, to be sure, I'm using a calculator as to decrease the chance of error. 30/32*82=somewhere around the 76.875 mark or much better than 60 points. Maybe they are assuming some injury. I don't know.

This is the kind of article that makes the front page of Sportsnet...

I would love to begin with a catchy introduction that relates to something funny, such as a Scotiabank commercial or farting, but my mind has been reduced to the consistency of cottage cheese after reading today's front page story from Sportsnet. Jim Kelley is a REGULAR writer for Sportsnet, and after piecing together a lovely piece of art such as this article, he is in line for a promotion... perhaps to hockeybuzz or the News Herald blotter. Anyway, let's talk about the Leafs!

It was two years ago Monday that general manager Brian Brurke (sp) introduced himself to hordes of Toronto Maple Leaf fans and almost as many members of the media by stating that the Leafs, as a team, require "proper levels of pugnacity, testosterone, truculence and belligerence. That's how our teams play," he said then.

And that's how they play now. Generally, they hit, they rub you out along the boards, they don't usually back down from a glove in the face and, overall, they are a far cry from the Leafs of recent vintage or at least the years before coach Ron Wilson and, later, Brian Burke arrived.

I might have to disagree with ya there, champ. If you consider playing physically a "far cry" from their style of 2008 and afore, then sure, they have made some great progress. I feel like we're forgetting a few things though... oh! Offense, defense and goaltending? We won't be needing any of that with all the rubbing out we'll be doing! We might have lost another game, but we have three more teeth to add to our Mats Sundin bench doll!

But here's the real rub: Going into Tuesday, the Leafs have played 22 games this season, their supposed go-forward season and have won eight and lost 11.They've banked another three "wins" in overtime.

Progress! I'm sure by "wins", you mean "losses", since they're 8-11-3 thus far. It's okay, we all make that mistake from time to time. Perhaps this is why the Islanders are so "great" (or maybe "terrible" is the word I'm looking for; I get those mixed up, too)~!

If you check the financial pages, I'm sure you'll find a few more wins created under a scam by Enron and monitored by the Bank of MLSE as well as a few goals credited to Phil Kessel left over from a bank for players like Washington's Alex Ovechkin via the likes of Bernie Madoff (150 years in federal prison) and Allen Stanford (indicted in a $ 7-billion Ponzi scheme centered on fraudulent certificates of deposit issued by his offshore bank in the Caribbean). What, you don't have your own bank in Antigua? Check Ovechkin's deposit slip from Sunday night.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Run-on_sentence

What is this article supposed to be about again? These rash assumptions are really plucking my feathers. I may have my own bank, but it only holds all of my Nesquik savings bonds from losing in the first round of Legends of the Hidden Temple every week. We all can't be so fortunate. Can we start talking about hockey now?

By contrast, the Capitals, not off to the greatest start in the history of the NHL, do lead the league in the standings with 25 games played (tied with several and one behind Chicago (26) for most games played going into Monday's schedule, they have 17 wins, six losses (a deserved five more than the Caps) and two overtime losses, one more than the Caps and 19 points, a goodly amount fewer than Washington.

I have (officially (due to this awkward format (displayed above (cited from sportsnet (a Canadian website))))) gone crazy.

Well, we're in the right direction now, but isn't this supposed to be an article discussing the progress (or whatever the hell you may call it) that Brian Burke has made in two years as General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs? So far, we have touched on off-shore banks, rubbing one out, and the Washington Capitals and Chicago Blackhawks. Quit being distracted!

But I did not come here to dazzle you with the incomprehensible NHL standings;

I came to point out that I was around when the then expansion Caps regularly took losses like 14-2, (Dec. 21, 1975 in Buffalo). I believe I was at that game, but it was nearly 35 years ago and if I'm wrong, I'm certain the Caps excellent PR staff will remind me and the rest of the electronic world with a world-wide flashing red tweet.

Oh, right. I forgot about the 1975-76 Washington Capitals that allowed 12,123! goals over 70 games. Give Kolzig a break, man. Rookie goaltenders had it tough in the pre-defense NHL. They actually did let in 394 goals over 80 games that year, though. While I was far off, that is still pretty terrible. I take back any bad things I have written about Jim Kelley and his crooked, half-assed, smut-peddling writing style.

The Caps know losing. They put together losing streaks of 37 games including one that stretched from Oct. 9, 1974 to March 26, 1975 and earned them the title "hapless". There was a run, 13 losses (1981) in late December and most of January and then 12 losses (you can look it up in their media guide if necessary) and home losing streaks of 13 games (once in the spring of 1975) and three winless streaks of seven games (one in the fall of 2007, another in the fall of 1981 and yet another in the Christmas period of 1975-76).

What if Jim Kelley never knew of the Washington Capitals' media guide? History Will Be Made (if necessary).

This is not to rag on the early days of the Caps whose turnaround has been majestic or what truly is a rebuild of the Maple Leaf from the ground up, but while the Leafs keep talking about a grander, quicker plan here, there is a similarity at work. True the Capitals started out with a blank sheet of paper but the Leafs are doing something akin to the same. The two goaltenders seeing action on a regular basis are Burke's goaltenders of recent acquisition, Jonas Gustavsson, the one he turned up in Sweden as a free agent and the one he recently won a Stanley Cup with while in Anaheim, J.S. Gigure.

This article is flowing as smoothly as my last period. Washington walked into the league with a selection of hand-me-downs from Value World dressed in hockey equipment and somehow won eight games in their first year. Toronto has had the tools to become a playoff team every year since the lockout, but have fallen short each year. In 05-06 and 06-07, Toronto missed the 8th seed by no more than three points. They wouldn't finish as close in the 2008 and 2009 seasons, but remained in the playoff race well into March. Last year was the anomaly, as their terrible start kept them from the playoff picture all season. Yet, much like the previous few seasons, they played well towards the end. The ability on their roster is not, nor has it been, the issue. However, they have easily been one of the most inconsistent teams since the lockout.

In your comparison to starting with nothing, I would say Giguere and Gustavsson are a little more stable of a tandem than Ron Low and Michel Belhumeur. Throw Toskala into the argument and I might give your claim some warrant.

On defence, it's virtually all of Burke's recent acquisitions with Keith Aulie, a former fourth-round pick of the Calgary Flames who came over before ever playing an NHL game. Francois Beauchemin, who also came from Anaheim; Carl Gunnerson (sp), a 2007 seventh-round draft pick from Orebro, Sweden, originally drafted by the Leafs; Korbinian Holzer, a Leafs pick in the fourth round of the 2006 draft; holdover Tomas Kaberle, a 1996 draftee; Mike Komisarek, a former first-round pick of the Montreal Canadiens and the seventh pick in 2001 draft whom the Leafs signed as a free agent as well as Brett Lebda, a 28-year-old native of Buffalo Grove, Ill. and a healthy scratch several times this season as he tries to break into the lineup on a regular basis.

Of the seven defensemen that are listed, four of them were acquisitions by Brian Burke. 57.1% = "virtually all"? I learned something new!

Why even mention Korbinian Holzer? He has played two games this season and has been SUCH a stud, hasn't he? Aulie has played six games. Beauchemin could rip a hole through the net with his shot if he ever took off his blindfold. Kaberle is still there, being moderately effective on the powerplay. And of course, All-Star Mike Komisarek. Did the 74-75 Capitals have an All-Star on their team? (I expected the answer to be a resounding "FUCK NO!", but Denis Dupere made the cut. Dupere enjoyed a 20 goal, 35 point season and finished -41, almost identical to Komisarek's stats in 2008-09. My argument has been countered.)

Of course the big acquisition, currently injured, is veteran defenceman Dion Phaneuf, who is expected to anchor the power play and the defence, captain the overall squad and steady the kids, especially the highly-regarded Luke Schenn who was the Leafs’ first-round pick and the fifth player taken overall in the 2008 draft.

If that's not a major rebuild, please explain what is.

How about a defensive squad made up of "Teddy Peckman", Jason Strudwick, Ladislav Smid, Jim Vandermeer, Kurtis Foster, Tom Gilbert and Ryan Whitney? Or how about Mike Mottau, Radek Martinek, Milan Jurcina, Bruno Gervais, Jack Hillen and James Wisniewski? Toronto's situation could be much worse. And don't forget to include Phaneuf and Schenn into Burke's acquisitions (since Burke stole the show by drafting him fifth overall in 2008). Updated representation of "virtually all": 55.5%

Burke tends to build his team from the goal and defence out and having what he thinks are the proper pieces in place for netminding and defence he's starting to work now from the front to the back.

People complain about the speed -- or lack of same -- in the process, but there is a top scoring right winger Phil Kessel (acquired in a controversial trade with Boston) in place. There are some gritty two-way forwards in Colby Armstrong, Kris Versteeg and Clarke MacArthur (all acquired in trades), some tough guys in Colton Orr and Mike Brown and, to a limited degree that should flesh out over time, some offence up front as the kids get more accustomed to their roles and the new talent works its way through the top two, perhaps three, lines.

I forgot about the MacArthur trade: "TOR trades Cap Space to abyss for Clarke MacArthur (FA)". Abyss totally robbed them blind on that one!

Colby Armstrong was a free-agent signing, as well, and an expensive one, at that. I'm sure that there were plenty of teams that were pushing $2.9 million at Armstrong on July 1, but Toronto added that extra spoonful of sugar to the deal. I'm also positive that Colton Orr and Mike Brown will be foundation blocks to this championship tower until they retire with ten cup rings each. They only need Todd Fedoruk and Derek Boogaard and they will be all set!

There's also a decent teaching coach in house in Ron Wilson and though media might not like his approach, he has a history of making his players better. He also has what could develop into a productive, if not exciting, young player in 2010 -- first-round draft pick Nazem Kadri.

Will it take time? Of course it will, especially on the offensive side, but the plan -- if you look at it as a four- or five-year plan (something all teams are loathe to openly commit to) -- it can be done. Look at teams like Ottawa (a just-missed kind of club that two years ago or so had its shot), both an early addition and the current edition of the Capitals and even last season's edition of the Chicago Blackhawks as well as a few others. That's the new normal in a salary-capped world. Still, if the Leafs keep hiding their aversion to the cap, build with as few mistakes as possible, build a scouting system and hockey department extraordinaire (like Detroit) and sell the dream to the current players that they need to keep dreaming the dream and working hard to win and it could, over time, work.

Sure. If they build a team that includes Mike Komisarek and Jeff Finger, trade for overpaid players such as J.S. Giguere and Dion Phaneuf, trade away one or two lottery draft picks, and sign a bunch of players that sing Susan Boyle songs while putting up seven goals a season, it could, over time, work.

There are lots of reasons that a plan like that doesn't work in Toronto, impatience being a primary reason, but it can happen.

It happens almost regularly in Detroit where it could happen again this spring. It happened a year ago in Pittsburgh and it could happen there again this spring. It happened last spring for Chicago and if the Caps right themselves in the post-season it will have a number of GMs rushing for copies of the George McPhee "How I Did It" book which likely would might even include Brian Burke (the NHL being a copycat league and all).

An excerpt from George McPhee's "How I Did It":

Reflecting on the 2010-2011 season and the success it has brought the Washington Capitals, I can attribute the majority of our success to these five main points:

1. Breakout playoff performances from former playoff underachievers such as Mike Green, Alexander Semin, and Tomas Fleischmann.

2. Semyon Varlamov's return to his 2009 Eastern Conference Quarterfinals form.

3. I am not Brian Burke.

4. I am NOT Brian Burke.

5. My organization does not employ the likes of characters such as Mike Brown, Mike Komisarek, Jeff Finger, and Brett Lebda.

None of this has to be a bad thing.

Unless your record winds up at 8-61-3 at season's end. That might be bad. Don't worry though, I'm sure Boston would gladly trade away the first overall pick back to Toronto in sympathy. No team wants to do well as regularly as Detroit, Pittsburgh or Washington, and that includes Detroit, Pittsburgh and Washington! Fuck success!

It will take time, however, a tremendous amount of hard work and a lot of patience. All of which are often in short supply in the Big Smoke, but that doesn't make it impossible, just that much harder.

We'll be able to rub it out if it gets that hard, though. Semin will be everywhere.

If Brian Burke has learned anything in his two years there, it's exactly that.

Happy anniversary big guy.

I feel as though I know nothing more of Brian Burke's rule in Toronto then I did before I read this. Aside from gushing about the incredible Captials of the seventies, he goes on to make a bunch of false statements about Burke's acquisitions. And this gets to be front page material on a (major) Canadian sports news network? We'll never make it to the big time, guys.