Thursday, February 27, 2014

"Sailor Venus' Past, Minako's Tragic Love" - Sailor Moon, 1993

Hey there, Skateboard checking in with some newsworthy news shit. The people in this blogging community deserve answers. I get hounded all day long from our compassionate readers with questions like, "Yo, Marbles, when is Byfuglien having his middle toe cut off due to diabetes?" or "9-iron, I could really use some help on my Roth IRA from Fidelity, should I sell my shares of Noodles and Co?" or my favorite, I get this one all the time, "What's the correct pronunciation of bukkake, my friends give me shit for saying "boo-cake?"

I have news folks, I'm not intelligent. I don't know things. I'm not qualified to answer such delicate questions. However, last night, last night something magical happened. Call it premonition, call it a hunch, call it one of my friends fell ass first into Lake Superior. Just like I'm positive that I made out with and proposed to a girl named Minnesota in a coney island, I am positive that PATRICK KANE IS ADDICTED TO PORN. This will subsequently lead him to being traded or signed by his hometown team of Buffalo. Don't believe me? Follow me down this rabbit hole for a minute. 

Last night, while eating taquitos and listening to Conway Twitty, I had a vision of Patrick Kane in a Sabres jersey. I thought to myself, this can't be. I had to reassure myself that this will never happen, but then I saw the numbers. After the 2014-15 season, Toews and Kane are slated to become free agents. It is very possible that, with the growth in their respective cap hits, the Hawks may not be able to keep both of them. With Toews having more compete and greater clutchness, Kane is the obvious choice to go. 

But why Buffalo? Obvious reasons include, "they suck" and "he's from there." This reasoning just doesn't do it for me, so I did some exploring. Given Kane's history of partying, "bro" behavior, and being a dude, one can assume he delves into some smut filmography. To prove this theory I visited Buffalo's own, XXXPlay Place, an adult film entertainment and novelty store. Thanks to an anonymous employee I found 948 rentals signed out under the names, Kaner, PaddyKane and 1 under the name Jamal David Mayers. As if 948 porn rentals wasn't enough to prove an addiction, they were all the same film! That film you ask? "Bimbo Bowlers from Buffalo!"

Okay, so the guy likes some late 80's smut, what's the correlation to him playing in Buffalo? Calm down baby birds, mama's gonna feed ya. As I was leaving XXXPlay Place with an oddly shaped lollipop and and weird itch, I ran into none other than Randy West, a New York native and star of such films as 1994's "The Butt Sisters Do Detroit", "Once Upon an Anal" and yes, "Bimbo Bowlers from Buffalo." I had a chance to talk to Mr. West over a Jamba Juice and he had some insider information. At an autograph signing in late 2013 Kane was a visitor of Mr. West's table. The two had a chance to chat, other than Kane showing his appreciation for Mr. West as an actor, he assured him that when his contract expires the only team he will sign with is the Buffalo Sabres. Kane went on to explain that he wanted to be closer to the adult film industry that he loved so much and that in order to get full use of his Play Place MVP card he needed to be closer to the establishment.

There it is, it comes full circle. Whether you believe in the outcome or not is up to you, but when Randy West puts his name to something, I believe it.

Marbles.