Thursday, February 25, 2010

I'd love to see his Olympic Break journal.

The last time I uploaded photos, the article really didn't hit it off so well. I thought this was pretty cute. Maybe he'll have some funny retorts for if Kesler wins some gold.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Dr. Ed Olczyk, MB BS.

During Wednesday night's Canada/Russia game as the first period is ending:

"That weak goal by Morrow to give them the 3-goal lead back, it's like Canada just rips your heart out of your stomach."

Eat your heart out, Russia. Literally.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

What Have We, Vanna?

Let's play a game! It's called Wheel of Fortune!


Dacque: My turn!

Travis: Wanna buy a vowel?

Dacque: No thanks Travis, I'm a greedy mother fucker, and I'm gonna spin!

*Dacque spins the weeel...it goes around, and around, and around once more. Dacque drinks muscle milk, so his arms have become longer. Having longer arms helps in this game because it adds more torque to the spinning process, causing the wheel to spin for a ridiculous amount of time(see: Jim Sears and joe jelinski). Finally, after twenty-two minutes and fourteen seconds, it starts to slow down. Eleven minutes and pi seconds later, it finally stops its slowing process and lands on "miss turn." Bad luck Dacque!

Dacque: Aww, shucks! I can't believe my bad luck! Good thing I have this "free spin" token I obtained earlier in the show! I'll use it!

Travis: Wanna buy a vowel?

Dacque: No, Mr. Zajac, shut the hell up already, I already bought a vowel! I made this bed, now I got nowhere to lay-dies and gentlemen, try and understand! I'm spinning this bitch!

*Dacque spins the wheel once again. After two cigarettes, four commercial breaks, and some alone time with Vanna White(they have similar political views), he finally watches the wheel land. $600!

Dacque: Give me an H Vanna! Show me what time it is!

*Of course, a screen lights up and Dacque is awarded $600 of potential earnings.

Travis: Wanna buy a vowel?

Dacque: Hell no! I'm gonna solve this puzzle! The answer is...."Go Tuck Yourself In!"

*Bad luck, Dacque! That is incorrect!

Dacque: Aww, shucks! I can't believe my bad luck! I used to have a "free spin" token I obtained earlier in the show! I've already used it!

stuffwithattitude: WELCOME TO STUFF WITH ATTITUDE, HOME OF THE FUNNIEST AND MOST ORIGINAL DESIGNS ON THE INTERNET. UP FOR SALE IS AN AUCTION ENTITLED CANUCKS BOO HATE HOCKEY FAN VANCOUVER TEE SHIRT jersey.

Travis: Wanna buy a vowel?

stuffwithattitude: WHY PAY BIG BUCKS FOR A THROWBACK JERSEY WHEN YOU CAN GET THIS UNIQUE TEE FOR AN AWESOME PRICE! BECAUSE APPARENTLY THIS UNIQUE TEE SERVES AS AN ADEQUATE SUBSTITUTION FOR A THROWBACK JERSEY! WE CAN CUSTOMIZE THIS DESIGN FOR ANY TEAM NICKNAMES IN ANY SPORT, INCLUDING FOOTBALL, BASEBALL, BASKETBALL, HOCKEY, SOCCER, RUGBY, LACROSSE, VOLLEYBALSABRES!!!L, ETC. SO IF YOU HAVE A SPECIAL REQUEST JUST EMAIL ME AND I WILL MAKE SURE IT IS LISTED. I'LL SOLVE! THE ANSWER IS..."FUCK THE SCREWY TUSKERS"

*
Ding ding ding! stuffwithattitude has solved the puzzle! stuffwithattitude has won the game! Any final comments, stuffwithattitude?

stuffwithattitude: PLEASE LEAVE US POSITIVE FEEDBACK IF YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR PURCHASE. IF THERE IS ANY PROBLEM WITH YOUR ORDER WHATSOEVER WE WILL WORK DILLIGENTLY(SIC) TO FIX IT. ANY ERROR OR PROBLEM OR BLUNDER OR GLITCH OR MISCUE OR OMISSION OR DILEMMA OR DISAGREEMENT OR OBSTACLE OR WORRIMENT ON OUR PART WILL BE RESOLVED 100%, AND YOU WILL NEVER BE CHARGED FOR RETURN POSTAGE ON OUR MISTAKE. THE ONLY WAY YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY RETURN POSTAGE IS IF YOU CHOOSE THE WRONG SIZE. THAT IS WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO CHOOSE THE CORRECT SIZE. PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE NEUTRAL OR NEGATIVE FEEDBACK, ALLOW US THE OPPORTUNITY TO RESOLVE ANY ISSUE! REMEMBER TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT SIZE. IF YOU CHOOSE THE WRONG SIZE WE WILL NOT RESOLVE YOUR PROBLEM 100%, AND YOU WILL BE CHARGED FOR RETURN POSTAGE ON YOUR MISTAKE. PLEASE LEAVE POSITIVE FEEDBACK! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE NEGATIVE OR NEUTRAL FEEDBACK! PLEASE MAKE SURE TO LEAVE US FEEDBACK THAT IS POSITIVE! PLEASE LEAVE AFFIRMATIVE FEEDBACK! PLEASE LEAVE FAVORABLE FEEDBACK! PLEASE LEAVE APPROVING FEEDBACK! PLEASE LEAVE AMICABLE FEEDBACK! PLEASE MAKE SURE TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT SIZE, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, YOU CANNOT EXPECT US TO WAIVE THE RETURN POSTAGE FEE, BECAUSE IT IS YOUR FAULT 100%! WE EXPECT PAYMENT IN A TIMELY MANNER, AND IF YOU HAVE ZERO FEEDBACK PLEASE REMEMBER TO PAY QUICKLY AS THIS IS HOW TO ESTABLISH A GOOD RATING ON EBAY. WE'LL RATE YOU HOW WE PLEASE, AND WE WILL NOT ALLOW YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO RESOLVE ANY ISSUE, BUT PLEASE LEAVE US POSITIVE FEEDBACK! IF THERE IS ANY PROBLEM WITH YOUR PAYMENT WHATSOEVER YOU HAD BETTER WORK DILLIGENTLY(SIC) TO FIX IT, AND EVEN THEN WE WILL LIKELY GIVE YOU NEUTRAL OR NEGATIVE FEEDBACK!

*
The following answer is under review! A few minutes pass by, and the final verdict is determined.

*After reviewing the play, the answer has been determined to be a good correct answer! What a nerves rattling ending to this game!

Dacque: Aww, shucks! I can't believe my bad luck!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Nonsense is the highest form of flattery.

Back in 1992, when the internet was just invented and this blog was a just a Usenet data page (look how far we've come boys) the original intention of this blog was to hate on the haters. Take a bad article and rip 'er a new one. Over time, this has turned into a madhouse of nonsense, which is just fine by me. But let us revisit the glory days, shall we?

Exhibit A

Be not alarmed. This isn't Mike "Smith" Goalie, this is Mike "Former General Manager" Smith. I had to look him up because I have no idea if he's ever done anything. If you were too lazy or illiterate to read that article let me quote the page. There is a whole section of his wikipage dedicated to some of his "criticisms" during his tenure as a GM.

"His tenure in Chicago was considered a disaster as he failed to address many of the team's holes and drafted first round flops such as Mikhail Yakubov, Pavel Vorobiev, Adam Munro and Anton Babchuk. Another move that many hockey pundits viewed as laughable was his hiring of Alpo Suhonen as the team's head coach as Suhonen was deemed too soft as a coach, along with his refusal to discipline players and change up lines during long losing streaks. Suhonen ended up quitting before season's end. Smith was also criticized by the Chicago media for his acquisitions of ex Toronto Maple Leafs such as Korolev, Garry Valk, Todd Gill and Alexander Karpovtsev, moves which essential dubbed the team "the Chicago Maple Leafs".

Esteemed list of mega-stars, no?

With this in mind, we bring you: Good goaltending makes GMs look like geniuses.

A few weeks ago Carolina Hurricanes GM Jim Rutherford and I were talking about the importance of goaltending to a team’s success. Jim laughed and said, “people are always asking who is the smartest coach? And I always answer, ‘the one with the best goalie.’”

Oh, man. What a joker. You'd get it if you were ever a GM. I play NHL 10 GM Mode, so I am pretty much qualified for the job (quarter joking).

There is a common belief among GMs that “you can’t win with average goaltending.” What happens when a team’s goaltending is less than average? Simple. You lose.

No way. Really? Man, you GMs are smart. I always thought the winning formula was good offense, good defense, bad goaltending and terrible refereeing.

Toronto Maple Leaf fans well remember the impact Curtis Joseph had on their team. I signed Curtis as a free agent during the summer of 1998. The Leafs had Felix Potvin at the time. Curtis turned out to be a significant upgrade. The club had a great year. Nearly every writer had picked the Leafs to be out of the playoffs. We went to the East final. Curtis gave us a chance to win every night.

In 97-98, the Leafs were 4th worst in goals scored. In 98-99 they moved to the Eastern conference. Take a wild fucking guess where they ranked league-wide. It starts with Fir- and ends with I can't believe this guy is this stupid and was an NHL GM. FIRST. They were FIRST. Maybe that might've had something to do with it? Oh, wait, I see. Curtis Joseph had a 45 goal season in 98-99. That's gotta be a record for a goalie, I'll have to check. I know Chris Mason was credited with a goal once. And Andrew Raycroft has a couple this year.

Also, in 98-99, as a team the Leafs gave up 6, SIX, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX (!) fewer goals than in 97-98.

All Cujo.

The same Leaf fans will likely have to watch their former prospect, Tuukka Rask, emerge as a top goalie for Boston. Trading Rask for Andrew Raycroft may well be talked about for years.

Don Cherry is the only person I've ever heard bring this up. He continually reminds us all that the Leafs refused to draft Cogliano because he was from Toronto.

The Winnipeg Jets made such a trade once while I worked there. The late Mike Doran was running scouting for the Jets at the time. Patrick Roy had been through the previous draft. We targeted Roy to be our third round pick in the 1984 entry draft. During the season, Jets GM John Ferguson traded our third round pick to Montreal for Robert Picard. Montreal GM Serge Savard took Roy with our pick. The rest is history.

There you are, Jets fans. It's John Ferguson's fault your team is playing in Puerto Rico.

21 picks earlier the Jets took Peter Douris. I'm just saying.


A look at the performance from the goalies of the top teams in the East and the West illustrates this importance.


Here we go, finally. Evidence!

The number in parentheses is the goalie’s rank in wins.

Just go ahead and put that ball right on that tee, please. Thank you.

EAST
Washington: Jose Theodore (18)
Buffalo: Ryan Miller (5)
New Jersey: Martin Brodeur (1)
Pittsburgh: Marc-Andre Fleury (7)

WEST
San Jose: Evgeni Nabokov (4)
Chicago: Cristobal Huet (9)
Vancouver: Roberto Luongo (6)
Colorado: Craig Anderson (8)
Phoenix: Ilya Bryzgalov (4)
Los Angeles: Jonathan Quick (2)


The top 10 clubs all have goalies ranked in the top 10 except for Washington’s Theodore, who is 18th. Don’t be surprised if GM George McPhee trades for a goalie by the deadline. The Caps are definite Cup contenders. Right now they have average goaltending. An upgrade is needed if they want to win the Cup.

I refuse to believe these staggering numbers. Are you trying to tell me that ALL the goaltending leaders in wins are on WINNING TEAMS?! Is that even possible?!!? Except for Theodore of course. He has a pathetic 18-7-4 record. He also has a better save percentage than 5 other goalies who have more wins. Let's not even include that Theodore was hurt earlier this year and has only played 31 games, which is 26th in the league. Let's also ignore Varlamov's 2.21/.924 and 12-1-2 record (if you're into that kind of thing). He's been hurt, too.

Does anyone really think that Jonathan Quick and Cristobal Huet are better than Tomas Vokoun or Cam Ward?

How about the teams in the hunt for the lottery pick: Carolina’s Cam Ward is 24h, Toronto’s Jonas Gustavsson is 38th and Edmonton’s Nikolai Khabibulin is 44th and out for the season. Boston is rooting for Toronto to plummet since they have the Leafs’ first pick via the Phil Kessel trade.

Oh, THAT's why Edmonton hasn't won a game lately. Khabibulin is hurt and they didn't replace him with a goalie, I guess. That's pretty stupid. I'd fire the coach, maybe.

I can't think of any good reason that sentence about Boston fits into this article. Boston is rooting for everyone to lose, except for Boston. Maybe Mr. Smith is going to rename the article, Unrelated Sentences That Talk About Wins and Losses. I'll check back later for the edit.

I wrote a few weeks ago that the most difficult task for a GM is to hire a good coach. Getting a top goalie may be the next most difficult task. Getting a goalie may sound simple, but it is not. This position is the least predictable when evaluating young players. Goalies mature at a later age than defensemen and forwards.

I'm going to have to find that article. I bet it's just as concise, understandable, and qualifies as english just as much.

Anyway, getting a "top goalie" is difficult not because they "mature at a later age" but because they are so unpredictable from a statistical standpoint. This is the best (and as far as I'm concerned only)argument for Brodeur as being an all-time great. He's been incredibly consistent for a long time. He was pretty good at 25 and pretty good at 35. Look at Steve Mason, Andrew Raycroft. What about that Jose Theodore guy you bashed sentences ago? When he was "young and immature" he won a Hart Trophy. These days, he's a wise, savvy vet who can't get it done. Which one is it Mike?

If you want to give your team a chance to win every night, get a goalie, a real goalie. Otherwise, you will fail at GM 101. That’s OK, every GM fails at this. If you are lucky to retake GM 101, get a goalie.

Hear that league-wide General Managers?! Don't use a shooter-tutor. Those are illegal. Get a real, live, bi- or quadripedal goalie.

And, no, every GM does not fail at getting good players. Only unemployed ones who use wins as a barometer for anything and who now blog for THN.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The New Albertorkheim Maple Fluckers sure know how to kick off trade season!

March 3rd is quickly approaching. As of last week, we were all likely disappointed at the amount of trades that had graced the headlines of our favorite websites (Hint: the same exact number as Sven Tremendousson's body fat percentage, give or take a few Swiss Rolls and bacon strips here and there). Over two days, though, there have been three significant trades that have turned the Calgary Flames into an entirely new club, Toronto into a three-horse town with no Oates, and the Rangers into a club that I can only dislike more and more with each passing day (my opinion of the Ducks remains untouched and unconcerned).


This leads me to wonder: what kind of deals can we expect within the next month? Who else will become (c)sellers? Who will be available? Will Sidney Crosby pass his record of 437 front-page headlines in regards to his latest tretiary assist? I'm not a doctor; I cannot inaccurately predict these type of things and expect you to pay up once they don't happen. Oh wait, yes I can! Why don't you step into my office and get your change jar ready, my good sir...


So, you want a trade-deadline consultation? You look worried, but fear not! I have all of the answers for you right here on www.TSN.ca/nhl/future (link currently disabled for maintenance, but it works. Trust me, I'm a doctor), which supplies us with a video of the upcoming 2010 trade deadline! Interested? Let's take a look...



Buffering... 3%... 9%... 24%... 82%... 58%... 6%... 74%... 45%... 96%... 3%... completed.



"Welcome folks to TSN's 2010 edition of Tradecentre! I'm Darren Dreger, here via live feed with special guest, also via live feed from Dildo, Newfoundland, HNIC color-commentator, P.J. Stock! As we approach the (insert an exaggerated time here--we can't forget about our teams in Puuwai and Mystery!) deadline, let's take a look back at the significant deals that have taken place through this afternoon. P.J.! Put down your Fruity Pebbles and do some reporting!"


"Mhphh!... sorry about that, Darren! They usually don't ask for me to report on the real stories until they're knee deep in Hennessy and the cameras are turned off! We have some great de-..... to repor... and we'll... a blockbus... ... ..."


"Sorry about that, Stocky! There's too much interference with your feed, it seems. Oh well, he might get his chance next year, folks. Now let's get to those deals!


"The first deal this morning was between the Dallas Stars and PC Performance of the Midwest and it addresses needs of both clubs in dramatic ways. The Stars give up centre Mike Ribeiro and future considerations for the services of finallyfast.com. In finallyfast.com, the Stars Finally! address the Finally! need for Fast! speed through their Finally! roster. The Stars used to be Finally! fast, but now they're only kind of fast. We can Finally! expect Brenden Morrow to Fast! make it through the neutral zone at least once per Finally! shift and Brad Richards Fast! will Finally! finally be able to think quickly enough to Finally! request a trade to a Fast! real Cup contendre. Finally! PC Performance of the Midwest acquires a sly and pesky pest of pests, the perfect Fast! replacement for their Finally! current commercial voice should any THROAT CONTUSIONS occur in the Fast! workplace. This should Fast! give the Stars some Fast! hope to regain their playoff composure as well as Finally! allowing PC Performance to Fast! challenge the Clippers for 16th in the Fast! West. Great trade, all-around! Finally! Finally Fast! Finallyfast.com!


"The next deal came shortly after the Finally! Stars-PC trade and this one really turned some heads. A blockbuster deal involving 29 players saw Tampa Bay give of the services of Martin St. Louis, Steven Stamkos, Ryan Malone, Alex Tanguay, Steve Downie, Kurtis Foster, Jeff Halpern, Victor Hedman, Mattias Ohlund, Andrej Meszaros, Nate Thompson, James Wright, Jeff Wright, Stephane Veilleux, Brandon Bochenski, David Hale, Zenon Konopka, Todd Fedoruk, Paul Szczechura, Poulet Szechuan, Paul Ranger, Ford Ranger, Matt Walker, Mike Lundin, Matt Smaby, Ryan Craig, Radek Smolenak and Blair Jones in exchange for Glen Metropolit and Montreal's 2039 5th round pick. It's obvious to see that Tampa Bay walks away from this deal as the winner, as Montreal tried their hardest to pry Vincent Lecavalier away from this club. Montreal was not willing to agree to Tampa's request of including Travis Moen and Patrice Brisebois into the return package, thus Vinny was not moved. Immediately after this trade, Bob Gainey was seen digging another number '4' into his forearm with a straight blade razor, and Jean Beliveau made the sweet trip to heaven once he heard about Gainey's actions, passing away with a smile from ear-to-Thunder Bay. Great deal for the Tampa Bay Lightning!


"The third deal we're going to highlight saw Wade Redden and Michal Rozsival head to New Jersey in exchange for Pauly D and The Situation. No one likes the Rangers, the Devils or Jersey Shore. Get over it; this trade sucks, folks.


"One team that made cannonball-quality splashes in the trade pool today was the Ottawa Senators. Not only did the Senators acquire eight players through multiple trades, they chose to sign multiple free agents that would be included in deals as trade bait. Brian Murraythhhhh is being widely criticized for his actions, seen by many as sacrificing the integrity of player contracts and general interests, but we'll see what results of these deals through the next couple of months. The deals include:


1. Ottawa trades D Filip Kuba to Carolina for D Joe Corvo.

2. Ottawa trades RW Alexei Kovalev to Detroit for RW Patrick Eaves.

3. Ottawa trades RW Shean Donovan to Edmonton for C Mike Comrie and 34-C Hilary Duff.

4. Ottawa signs Oleg Saprykin to a 1-year, $550,000 deal. Immediately after, they trade Saprykin to New Jersey for Dean McAmmond.

5. Ottawa trades Matt Carkner to Colorado?... right? for the rights to Discount Preissing.

6. Ottawa trades Chris Campoli to New Jersey for newfound Guido, Wade Redden.

7. Ottawa trades a Fathead of Vincent Lecavalier to Montreal for Andrej Meszaros.

"These deals all appear very strange from an anal-yst's perspective. We were able to contact Brian Murray via Skype from within his self-patented 'Penner-Perry-Getzlaf proof' bunker, located conspicuously behind the golden Mike Commodore statuary in the far corner of his Scotiabank Place office."


--"How can you criticithe uth for thethe (these) dealth? The 2000-and-theven playoffth are quickly approaching and we've added a thpectacular group of playerth, thome great men and woman that will puthh uth to Cup contendre thtatuth (status). We were pertheived ath that talented of a club in 2000-and-thix yet we came up thhort. Thith ith the higher level, the netht thtep (next step), and we're ready to puthh for the 2000-and-theven Thtanley Cup. Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... (Shhhh...)"


"Despite detailed reasoning from Finally! Brian Murray, we feel that all of these trades are steps in the wrong direction for what has been a consistant Senators team through this point of the season. They're going to drop to 14th place in the East, undoubtedly.


"And with those trades happening at (x-hour):59:59 PM, we have moved past the trade deadline and there are likely no more deals to repor--... hold on, folks! Stocky's feed is coming back in and he appears to be very anxious to tell us something! What'cha got for us, Stocky?"


"Darren! You're not going to believe this latest deal! Costco has offered the services of Family-Sized Kellogg's Honey Smacks cereal box to me, P.J. Stock, in exchange for $8.98. Within this deal, Kellogg's also included a conditional coupon that could be good for one to THREE boxes of Family-Sized Honey Smacks at $6.00 a piece in 2011! I definitely feel that I made out as the winner in this deal, as I can keep my bowl filled all the way through October for only half of my yearly salary! Let's break this trade down further, Darren. As a buyer in this year's market, I wa--... the best retur--... Cocoa Pebble--... ... ..."


"Aw, shoot, folks. We lost P.J. again. While I'm sure everyone is interested in our latest deadline deal, we're all out of time here at TSN. Thank you for tuning into TSN's 2010 tradecentre and be sure to log on to www.tsn.ca/nhl for all of the details, reviews and opinions on these trades as well as poorly constructed videos of fantasy news by our own bobblehead, Scott Cullen. Have a good night, folks! Fast! Finally! Finallyfast.ca!"



One inaccurate trade-deadline consultation: $8,500,000 a year for the next seven years. Would you like to pay cash or credit, Mr. Kovalchuk?...